South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut Page #7

Who sent you?

Gregory! He said

you could sneak us in.

Are you telling me you intend

to break into the USO show...

...filled with thousands of soldiers

and break out Terrance and Phillip?

I thought it was a stupid idea too.

We're La Rsistance. We wanna save

Terrance and Phillip and stop the war.

I can't help you.

I'm grounded for the next three days.

So are we. Our parents think

we're home right now.

- Why are you grounded?

- Why?

Because God hates me.

He has made my life miserable.

So I call Him a cocksucking a**hole,

and I get grounded.

- So will you help us?

- Very well.

Meet me in the backyard

in five minutes. Viva La Rsistance.

We'll show God that we won't f***ing...

What? Christophe, get in here!

Coming, mother.

I must be strong. I must be strong.

Saddam, I need to talk to you.

Get packing, b*tch. We have to go!

We're running out of time!

Saddam, sometimes you can love

a person very much...

...but still know

they aren't right for you.

What are you talking about?

You treat me like sh*t!

I'm leaving you!

I'm going up to Earth to rule alone.

No! No, you can't do that!

I'm sorry, but I have to be strong.

Give me another chance!

I have to go to Earth!

You don't have respect for me!

Sure I do, guy.

Please just hear me out.

SINGING:

Some people say that I'm a bad guy

They may be right

They may be right

But it's not as if I don 't try

I just f*** up, try as I might

But I can change, I can change

I can learn to keep my promises

I swear it

I'll open up my heart

And I will share it

Any minute now, I will be born again

Yes I can change, I can change

I know I've been

A dirty little bastard

I like to kill, I like to maim

I'm insane, but it's okay

'Cause I can change

It's not my fault that I'm so evil

It's society, society

You see my parents

Were sometimes abusive

And it made a prick of me

But I can change, I can change

What if you remain

A sandy little butthole

Don 't be such a twit

Mother Teresa won 't have sh*t on me

Just watch me change

Here I go, I'm changing!

You see, I've really matured.

All right.

Come on, we have to hurry.

SADDAM:

I love you.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen

of the American Army...

...welcome to the USO show.

Get ready for loads of entertainment

and fabulous celebrities...

...followed immediately by

the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

This is where those military b*tches

intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.

Oh, my God!

God? He is the biggest b*tch

of them all.

Hurry. We rendezvous

with the other kids at 10.

You realize we could be grounded

for two, even three weeks.

- We're willing to take that risk.

- Let's go.

ANNOUNCER:
And now,

here are your hosts for the evening...

...Sheila Broflovski

and Big Gay Al.

(CHEERING)

Al, tonight is a very special night.

Do you know why?

They're having a sale at Merv's?

No. Because we're going

to abolish Canadian smut.

That's right, Sheila.

Bring out the condemned.

SHEILA:

Today is a great day for democracy!

This is worse than when you put your

dick in my mouth and took a picture.

I know, Terrance. I know.

While you're getting set up over there,

let's bring out our first act:

Yippie, the back-flipping dog!

Be careful not to touch this wire.

Motherfuck...

F***.

The show has started.

We're running out of time.

Do you see Terrance and Phillip?

Yes, but they are heavily guarded.

Dig from here,

so as not to be seen.

Come on, b*tches.

Mole, do you know where

the clitoris is?

- The what?

- The clitoris.

I have to find it,

so I can get Wendy to like me.

Stop thinking with your dick!

Be on your toes, because I won't

be grounded again!

Not for you! Not for anybody!

Men, when you're out there

in the battlefield...

...and you're looking into

the beady eyes of a Canadian...

...as he charges you with

his hockey stick or whatever he has...

...and people are dying all around you,

just remember what the MPAA says:

"Deplorable violence is okay as long as

people don't say any naughty words."

That is what this war is all about.

(CHEERING)

What?

Sh*t!

Move, move.

We will split up here.

Let's synchronize watches.

- We don't have watches.

- You don't?

- You didn't say anything about watches.

- What do you think this is?

TV kiddie hour where we sit around

and lick Barney the Dinosaur's p*ssy?

This is real life, with consequences

you take to the grave.

- We don't have watches.

- Sh*t!

- Did you bring the mirror?

- Got it.

- And the rope?

- Check.

- And the buttfor?

- What's a "buttfor"?

For pooping, silly.

I'll dig under the stage, and with

that bedrock, I'll need more time.

Stan and Kyle, stall the show

anyway you can.

Keep that show going

until I get the prisoners.

MOLE:
Cartman, over there is

the electrical box.

Shut it off before I return

with Terrance and Phillip...

...or the alarm will sound

and I'll be attacked by dogs.

- Got it?

- Okay.

You must shut off the alarms.

I f***ing hate guard dogs!

I heard you,

you British piece of sh*t.

If anything goes wrong, make a sound

like a dying giraffe.

What's a dying giraffe sound like?

(MAKES ANIMAL NOISES)

Okay.

- Let's go.

- Be careful, dude.

Was my mother careful when she

stabbed me in the heart...

...with a clothes hanger,

while I was still in the womb?

Damn, that kid is f***ed up.

AL:

How are those chairs coming?

Al, we're minutes away.

Super. Here is pint-sized pixie

and darling of the indie movie scene...

...Winona Ryder!

Hi, guys.

I'm super-psyched to be here today.

What you're doing for our country

is so cool.

I mean war, man. Wow, war.

You know? Wow.

Okay, and now for your enjoyment,

here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick.

Oh, my!

"Shut off the power, Cartman.

This is very important, Cartman."

SOLDIER:
Did you hear

what Winona Ryder's doing?

There. I didn't miss one.

That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!

That's all the acts we have

for tonight...

...so let's just get on with

the execution!

- No, we have to stall him.

- More! More!

Yeah! More!

You big sillies.

You want to see more of me?

Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!

Well, I do have a little song I wrote

about the war.

But we haven't rehearsed.

Sing it!

I can't.

KYLE:

Sing the f***ing song!

All right. If you insist,

I'll sing my song.

I believe it goes

a little bit like this.

SINGING:

Bombs are flying

People are dying

Children are crying

Politicians are lying too

Cancer is killing

Texaco 's spilling

The whole world's gone to hell

But how are you?

I'm super

Thanks for asking

I couldn 't be better

I must say

I'm feeling super

No, nothing bugs me

Everything is super when you're...

Don 't you think I look cute

In this hat

I'm so sorry Mr. Cripple

But I just can 't feel too bad

For you right now

Because I'm feeling

So insanely super

That even the fact that you can 't walk

Can 't bring me down

He's super

Thanks for asking

All things considered

He couldn 't be better he must say

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