Spaceman Page #5

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I'm not naming any names but I'm

telling you this is a reliable source.

People tell you funny things when

you're pouring their gin and tonics.

Montreal's

a non-starter?

It's not just here,

it's all of baseball, man.

Owners talk to each other.

He's 86'd.

He's blackballed.

Call it whatever

the f*** you want.

He's done.

Bullshit!

Bullshit. I mean... Bill's a...

he's a, he's a veteran left-hander.

He's got four or five years

left in his arm.

You got to be kidding me.

I love bill, you know that.

He's one of my best customers.

But you know what,

he's not getting any younger.

He's walked off teams

in two countries,

and he's publicly said

he smokes dope.

Come on. Admit it,

the guy's a real liability.

Whatever bill does off the

field is bill's business.

Nobody else's.

He said in print that the

commissioner would be a rich man

if he fined everyone in

baseball who smoked grass.

You can't say things like that

without suffering consequences.

Well, it's the truth.

Besides, he meant it in jest.

You know bill, he's a joker.

It's like... He's shecky

Greene with a curveball.

Oh, really? Guess what. Yeah.

Owners don't want jokers, they don't

want jokes, they want profits.

Well, he puts asses

in the seats, fans love him.

If you are his friend,

you better tell him

he's got to stop

spinning his wheels.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why not?

It'd break his heart.

Bill Lee was born

to play baseball.

It's what he was meant to do.

It's his identity.

Help him find

a whole new identity.

And soon.

If he hears this from anybody,

he hears it from me. You got it?

Fine. He's all yours.

Just do it, all right?

Stop making those phone calls.

Come in.

Come in!

Oh, Dickie Dennis.

What's up?

Oh, you're in training, I see.

Can I get you something to drink?

You want coffee?

I don't want no coffee.

Something a little stronger?

Well, if you're

gonna have one, sure.

All right.

So what's up?

Ah, just... How's the letter

writing campaign going?

Well, it's going. It's going.

Yeah?

The lack of common courtesy

these days. I swear to god.

Hey, you know the best

thing about being single?

What's that?

You get to...

whenever you want.

Thanks for sharing, man.

Now, I, uh...

You know,

I've been thinking that

we need to start looking

at whole new avenues.

I mean, a fresh start.

I agree.

You do?

Absolutely.

Really?

Yep.

I think it's damn well time we

reach out to the American league.

Oh, that's not

what I had in mind, bill.

Hey, check this out.

So...

The grip I got for my new

slider, you see that?

Yeah?

I want you to keep

this between us,

but I would even consider

a minor league assignment.

Minor leagues? Oh, come on.

Temporarily...

Work my way back up to the show.

No.

I would do whatever it takes.

The spaceman is a big leaguer.

Big leaguers do not play

in the minor leagues.

You don't want to be known as

the guy who doesn't know when

it's time to leave the party.

Yeah, well, I threw nine innings the

other day and it felt pretty good.

For who?

It was, uh...

Senior team over in Longueuil.

Oh, f***, bill!

Are you serious?

Oh, what's the big deal?

What if the press

finds out about this, huh?

What? So, so what? It's

f***ing embarrassing!

What? Maybe not to you.

But it's embarrassing.

It reeks of desperation.

And there's no deodorant in the world

that will hide the smell for desperation.

I don't give a sh*t about

any of that stuff.

That is for the writers and

historians to worry about, not me.

I just wanna play ball.

Well, this is what I want.

I want to get you in a room

with a tape recorder

and a jigger of vodka and we're

gonna get your stories down.

We're gonna record them.

All of them.

And then I'll write it. You know.

Yeah. Of course, you will.

Well, I'm a writer, god damn it.

It has every element, every

element of a best seller.

We're gonna call it

the wrong stuff.

The wrong stuff?

You see, it's a... It's a takeoff on

that book about the astronauts...

No, no, no. I get it,

the tom Wolfe book.

Okay, listen to this,

I ain't ready to write

my memoirs yet, dick.

I'm ready to pitch.

To keep pitching

because that's what I do

and I do it damn well.

And I'm not desperate. I just want

to share my gift with the world.

Okay?

Now I'm gonna go shower, and

then we're gonna go get a drink.

Well, good. 'Cause I didn't

want to say anything

but the fart was

an improvement on the B.O.

I wasn't just gonna sit

around by the phone anymore.

I needed to get out

and be among the people.

My people.

You know, schmooze.

And when you're a pro athlete, fans

never let you buy your own drinks.

The trade-off

is answering

a hell of a lot of questions.

Bill.

Yeah?

You a, uh, you a religious man?

I'm a Roman catholic

Rastafarian zen Buddhist.

Hey, you hear about the Jewish guy who

converted to Catholicism? Yeah...

He gave up guilt for lent.

Hey, uh, hey, spaceman yeah?

You still get high?

I have always been in favor of

drug testing in sports. Yes.

Really?

Yeah, I like to test them all.

I don't know how

the hell you do it, man.

Everything in moderation.

Including moderation.

Keep it, keep it.

So, what other avenues we got?

Oh, I, uh...

Circling the bases.

Beautiful. What about Detroit?

Yeah.

Um, conference call

with them next week.

What do you think

about California?

I can absolutely deal with

living in socal again.

Can hang out with

my buddies from the eagles.

They've got

great grass out there.

We're gonna get you a place

inside Disneyland.

You can just walk over

to the ball park.

They'll love you there, there'll be

lines all the way out to the gate

for the bill Lee

space mountain man.

F*** that, man. F*** that.

Let's not talk about business.

Tonight is a night for a good time,

my friend. A good f***ing time.

All right, it works for me. A

body in motion stays in motion.

Basic physics.

Let's circulate.

Party, Einstein, party!

Somehow,

things eventually went

from bad to worse.

I even rented out my basement

to a drug dealer.

What? No, no, I'm good.

No, that's rent.

What? For a full month's

room and board? Really?

Yeah and that should

cover utilities.

Thank you, Gustavo.

Got it.

Hey, you got toilet paper?

Yeah, man.

I started partying harder

than ever to numb myself

and there was no shortage of

other degenerates to hang with.

Good morning.

Are you okay?

You okay?

Hey. How's, uh, how's my

favorite mother-in-law?

It's bill.

What does he want?

What is it, bill?

Great news.

I decided that it's time

to start playing ball again.

Hmm. L.A.? You always

loved the climate there.

No, it's actually a senior team just

across the river over in Longueuil.

Long what?

Longueuil.

Just across the river.

Oh. Oh, it's nice over there.

I just didn't realize they had a pro team.

They don't.

It's a goddamn

geriatric league team.

But you know what,

it will help me stay sharp.

Do scouts come to these games?

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