Spaceman Page #4

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Okay. This is just an open invitation.

Let's go.

Feel free to think it over.

Yeah, sorry, guys, I just

don't see this in the cards.

It's not you, it's me, trust me.

It's just timing.

No problem. We wish

you good luck always.

But hey,

say the stars were

to align for you boys,

how soon would you need me?

We have a game tomorrow night.

Could I hit cleanup?

You can hit anywhere

you want in the lineup.

Anywhere.

Just think about it,

but no pressure, huh?

All right, well, maybe I'll

stop by and say hello sometime.

Anytime.

Spaceman.

All right.

"To whom

it may concern..."

Oh, let me sign it.

I gotta sign it.

The truth is, I wasn't ready for

the damn beer leagues quite yet.

No disrespect, but I still

wanted to strike out Garvey,

not Jacques from accounting.

My brood and I sat down together

and sent letters to each of the

other 11 national league teams.

They were heartfelt and honest.

Now it was just

a matter of sitting back

and waiting to see which club

made the most attractive offer.

And like a good Buddhist, I intended to

stay entirely unattached to the results.

Hey.

What the...

Sully...

Sully, you cocksucker.

What are you doing with my mail?

What are you doing?

Are you in on this?

I... no. I'm not in on nothing.

Where's the rest of my mail?

I'm delivering the mail.

You let go of my bag.

Give it to me. I'm a

government employee!

That's not yours.

So long, Sully.

See you tomorrow.

Okay!

- Hey, hey!

- What?

Pittsburgh!

What?

Pittsburgh.

Yep. You know, I always

wanted to live in Pittsburgh.

Really?

No, well...

You know, all right.

"Dear bill. Thank you

for your thoughtful letter.

"Indeed, we finished last

season in dead last place.

"Yes, our pitching staff

is in such dire shape

"that we don't know how we are

going to get through this season."

"However, we have enough problems

without adding you to the mix.

"We will not be requiring

your services at this time."

Hey, you know what?

F*** those guys.

F*** 'em.

We got a positive

mental attitude.

That's' the way

to survive, my friend.

Positive mental attitude.

Where are you going?

It's in overtime.

Here's one.

Why do Canadians

do it doggy style?

So they can both watch

the hockey game.

Hey, fellas.

Bill Lee.

Hmm.

So, uh, who do I speak to about

getting a Jersey around here?

Well, the equipment manager,

he'll be back in a sec.

He just ran out to

pick up the catering.

There's a Jersey and cap

in the garbage bag over there.

We supply our own pants,

shoe and well,

everything else.

Yeah, well,

I usually wear 37.

Not today.

Welcome.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

So, did you meet

some of the guys?

Yeah, it's a tough group.

Yeah.

So, where's

the rest of the team?

So far, we only have

eight today.

It is sometimes a challenge to

field with guys, unfortunately.

Oh, Christ.

Well, like I said, this is

a one night stand, so...

Yeah.

Any real fans coming to these

games or just local hobos?

Mostly hobos.

Nervous?

Ah... no. No.

Well...

You better start

warming up, big guy.

We're playing

new Brunswick tonight.

They are the league champions

three years running.

Oh, okay.

Hmm.

Thank you.

What are they saying?

Nothing good.

Basically, they would like nothing

more than to beat us to a bloody pulp

and then mount your head

on their wall for posterity.

Okay, I get it.

It's hunting season

and I'm the prized caribou.

The biggest rack.

Well, guess what?

I live for this sh*t.

Uh, I think you missed the exit for the

ice rink. This is baseball, frenchie.

All right, listen, I throw all kinds

of sh*t, so I hope you can keep up.

My bread and butter

is the off-speed stuff.

Sliders, curves,

the occasional eephus.

You with me?

Okay, don't ask for a fastball

because you ain't

getting it. All right?

There are only have so many silver

bullets left in the chamber

for guys like me and I sure as

f*** ain't wasting them out here.

Got it?

Oh, Christ. Can somebody

please translate?

Hey.

Hey.

Let's start anew here. My name is

bill Lee, formerly of nos amours.

Joseph Cartwright,

formerly of El Detroit.

Oh, the tigers?

United auto workers.

Oh. So you transferred?

Uh, no, laid off. Married

a Quebecois woman and...

Here we are.

Oh, sh*t! Don't look now but I think I

just spotted a scout in the stands.

That ain't no damn scout.

Definitely is. I think I

recognize him from Minnesota.

Trust me. It's not.

How do you know?

That's my father-in-law.

Hi! Woman next to him is

my wife, unfortunately.

Hmm.

Oh, I could've swore I

recognized him from the majors.

Anyway, tell frenchie here

that it's gonna be

the third signal in the series.

No fastballs.

Just tell him to trust me,

I know what I'm doing here.

He says that he respects

that you're the big leaguer.

Oh...

Thank you.

F***ing balls!

Yay!

Here.

Me, me, me...

Ugh... oh...

Strike!

And he's

mid-stroke, right?

And all of a sudden he hears

the husband come home.

It must have been summer Fridays

or something. I don't know.

Anyway, he finishes,

he grabs his clothes and

then he jumps out the window

buck naked, into a rose bush,

he's got thorns everywhere.

Goes on the fifteen day dl

and guess what the papers said?

What?

Tendonitis.

And it wasn't me.

I swear to god, it wasn't me.

I'm truly sorry

you're not interested

in continuing to play with us.

But you know, you're

always welcome back.

Well, thank you, Gino.

I appreciate that.

It's just that I got to figure out

which team I'm gonna be playing with.

I gotta sort out my family situation.

You know the deal.

Of course.

All right, boys,

I'll see you around.

Hey, hey, bill.

Hold up.

Hey, I want you to have this.

No, Joe.

That's your Jersey.

No, no.

You're 37.

I want you to have it.

I insist.

Hey, you might want

to give that a scrub, huh?

Maybe twice.

I appreciate it.

You take care.

Good luck.

Later, boys!

Bye, bye.

Yes, hi.

It's dick Dennis.

Uh, just following up again.

Yeah.

Well, just, uh,

let him know that I called.

And, uh, you know, we have to have

an answer by the end of the week,

or else we're left

with no choice,

we gotta move on down the list.

I know I said that last week,

but I mean it now.

I mean.

Just tell him

I called. Okay?

Really? We have a

symbiotic relationship.

You are a server.

I am a consumer.

If you do not serve,

I cannot consume,

and therefore, you throw

the delicate ecosystem

of our relationship

out of balance.

So another, s'il vous plait

I... I don't got

anymore of that.

Oh, but, did you see this? What?

A petition being circulated

by the YMCA

on bill's behalf, urging

the team to bring him back.

Hmm. Good.

Montreal is a good fall back.

Oh, so, you haven't heard?

Heard what?

Well, word's getting around they

already decided to give him a shot.

When?

When hell freezes over.

He's starting and hitting

cleanup.

I'm glad you find this funny.

It's just a man's life

you're talking about.

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