Spare Me Page #13

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WOMAN:

Strokin'. Here goes nothin'.

She swings a club, sending a golf ball puttering into a cup.

MAN:

Hole in one! You're the queen of stroke!

WOMAN:

Yippy!

Theo strides towards the couple. The man under the halo is

(more)

Buzz. He raises the club at the approaching Theo, keeping the

woman in front of him as a shield. The front of Buzz's cap

reads "I'm No Angel."

BUZZ:

Get away from me!

WOMAN:

Who the hell are you?

THEO:

Hi Dad.

WOMAN:

Dad? You said you was single.

BUZZ:

We ain't married no more.

THEO:

He says that to all his wives.

As she tries to wiggle away from him, the club conks Buzz on

the noodle, squishing his halo.

WOMAN:

(freeing herself - to Buzz)

Geez Maynard, is he telling the truth?

BUZZ:

Don't pay him any mind, sweetheart.

WOMAN:

You're a nice guy, Maynard, but if you

got two wives - I ain't into no

polybigamy. Buzz is silent. He takes the

club out of her hand. She steps away -

startled - then turns and jogs away. Buzz

throws down his club in a fury.

BUZZ:

Goddam it! I was just about to make a

love connection. You sure got a way with

women. You show up, women get away.

THEO:

(laughs)

The whole world thinks you're

underground.

BUZZ:

I am underground.

Buzz removes his damaged cap.

THEO:

It could just as easily have been me in

that box.

BUZZ:

I told you to get lost. You forced

yourself into this mess, so the mess

accommodated you.

Buzz straightens out and carefully

remolds the bent out of shape halo.

THEO:

What about bowling?

BUZZ:

(takes a practice swing)

Bowling died for me years ago. Besides,

I'm a living dead legend. I'm a hero.

THEO:

You're a scumbag.

Buzz pats his hair down and slips the cap back on his head.

BUZZ:

I'm a live scumbag.

Theo digs into his pocket and retrieves the golf ball. He

tosses it to Buzz.

THEO:

Nice knowing you, dad.

Theo turns and walks towards his car. Buzz pauses and walks

after him.

BUZZ:

So, eh, you never saw me. Right?

THEO:

I never saw you.

BUZZ:

Thanks, kid.

(pause)

Where are you goin' now?

THEO:

I'm goin' straight. No more short cuts.

Theo gets into the car. Buzz leans in the

open window.

BUZZ:

Listen, if straight doesn't work out, you

come work for me.

(hands Theo his card)

Just make sure nobody's following you.

Buzz's face is eerily lit by the glow of

the sunset, his halo bouncing in the

breeze.

BUZZ:

I didn't mean that stuff I said. I was

trying to keep you out of this muddle.

I'm glad I didn't have my tubes tied. Oh,

and by the way, I made a call for you

before I - uh - retired. Buzz takes his

card and scrawl on the back with a gold

pen.

BUZZ:

(hands the card back)

You give Ed Klein of the American Bowling

Congress a call.

(taps the card)

Tell him your Maynard's boy. He's

expecting you, and he owes me. He'll

getcha back in like Flynn.

(pats Theo's cheek)

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

THEO:

(cracks a half smile)

See ya 'round Maynard.

Buzz backs away from the car as Theo peels out in reverse.

Buzz stands and watches as Theo pulls away.

80 EXT. MILES 'O' LANES PARKING LOT - DAY 80

The sign has been changed to "SHEILA'S ALLEY." A sparkling

new badass super-chromed Vespa is parked in the handicap

zone. The Barbie and Ken dolls are wired to the headlamp.

They look incredibly worse for the wear. A parking ticket is

nestled between them. Theo's car pulls in nearby.

81 INT. SHEILA'S ALLEY 81

Theo walks through the doors and into the alley packed with

serious bowling types. As he walks towards the back of the

alley, several bowlers stop bowling and stare at him in awe.

LUNA:

Theo! Howya doin'?

Theo walks on. Others greet the conquering hero.

BOWLER:

Theo! Hey, Theo's back!

TINA:

Hello there, stranger.

LITTLE GIRL:

(still crying)

Waaaaaaaaaaah!

At the far end, we see Sheila, dressed in a fitted jogging

suit, bowling alone on her lane. Bowlers stop and hold their

balls at their sides. Sheila notices the whole alley is

silent. Theo steps up to the lane, bowling ball bag in hand.

As he straps on his wristbrace he peers down the lane and

sees a seven-ten split; mule ears.

CUT TO:

82 BLACKNESS 82

A loud ZIP and light spills in through three holes. Three

fingers approach the holes, blocking out the light once more.

With a POP, the fingers leave the holes and the ball hits the

lane with a KLUNK.

LANE:

The camera races towards the pins along the maple boards.

PINS:

Two pins loom in the foreground, one at each edge of the

screen. The ball slams into the right hand pin in super slow

motion with a ROAR. Theo's eyes slowly close. The pin lifts

and hurtles slowly across the frame towards its unsuspecting

fellow pin. Theo's eyes open. With a reverberating EXPLOSION,

the pin is taken out.

83 INT. SHEILA'S ALLEY, THEO & SHEILA 83

Theo turns to Sheila and takes her in his arms.

SHEILA:

Very professional.

THEO:

I am a professional man.

SHEILA:

(touches his lips)

Lips still for sale?

THEO:

(nonchalantly)

You bet. For five bucks, I'll even throw

in the tongue.

SHEILA:

(she pulls away, slightly)

Can you change something this big?

She pulls out a hundred dollar bill.

THEO:

I don't know.

Sheila stuffs the bill down Theo's pants.

SHEILA:

You'll owe me.

They smooch big time. One by one, balls drop to the lanes

again and pins start CRASHING.

DISSOLVE TO:

84 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY 84

Alfie, hands trembling, lays a tiny wreath on Buzz Fazeli's

grave. The headstone reads, "Maynard 'Buzz' Fazeli 'I Never

Met A Bowler I Didn't Like.'" A muffled watch beeper CHIMES

"Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head." The camera pulls up to

show ten headstones laid out in a bowling pin set-up with

Buzz's at the head.

DISSOLVE TO:

85 EXT. MINI-GOLF COURSE85

Buzz's silhouette against an orange sunburst sky. He wears

his halo hat. He takes a beautiful PGA-perfect slow motion

fluid golf swing, connecting with a THWAP. As he follows

through, divots of turf dance at his feet. MUSIC swells. He

holds the afterswing pose and gazes after the ball, off into

the distance.

FADE OUT:

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