Spare Me Page #12

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Theo wears a glazed look. The priest clears his throat with a

loud AHEM.

PRIEST:

(with pomp and vigor)

Bowling!

(pauses to reflect)

Bowling is a little like faith. Every now

and then, we are blessed with the ability

and strength to send a full roller down..

(makes bowling gesture)

...and scatter those babies like nobody's

business. And every now and then we end

up in the gutter.

(pauses and gets glum)

Buzz Fazeli found himself in the gutter

of life. Trapped in hook alley, throwing

nothing balls. But before he left us for

that pie alley in the clouds, he pulled

himself out of that gutter.

Buzz Fazeli died cleaning up the sport of

bowling. Now he lies at peace alongside

his lane brothers here in Bowlers' Field.

(makes sign of the cross)

He died so that we could bowl - with

dignity. Millie, decked out in mourning

black, lets out a wail, steps up and

throws a bouquet of flowers onto the

coffin.

MILLIE:

(sniffles)

I forgive you Buzz.

Sid leans over to Theo.

SID:

(in loud whisper)

The Faz sure took care a her.

(points to Millie, does the

cash rub with fingers)

Breeze makes a nasal GRUNT as he tries to

suppress a snigger. Sid - trying to keep

a straight face - elbows him. Sid and

Breeze approach the coffin. Breeze pulls

an orange whip out of a paper bag and

carefully places it on the coffin lid.

BREEZE:

Nectar of the bowling gods, Faz.

SID:

See ya 'round Faz.

Tina steps up to the grave with a handful of papers.

TINA:

These are all your perfect games.

(she drops scoresheets onto the

coffin)

Bowl with God, Buzz.

Mourners sniff and cry. The coffin starts descending into the

ground. A stiff breeze scatters the scoresheets. Sheila

nudges Theo who approaches and tosses a handful of soil into

the grave.

THEO:

Maybe you were right Buzz. Maybe I did

just come here to take it out on

somebody. But, I had to find my father...

The muffled BEEPING of "Raindrops Keep

Falling On My Head" begins playing from

inside the coffin. Theo's body jolts. He

runs after Sheila who is walking towards

her scooter.

THEO:

Buzz is alive, Sheila.

The two sleazeballs gaze surreptitiously at him as they walk

towards their car. Theo grabs Sheila's jacket.

SHEILA:

Theo, Buzz is dead.

THEO:

I didn't come this far to bury a guy

that's not my dad. He owes me.

SHEILA:

(bitterly)

Back to plan A. The vicious cycle all

over again. Theo lets go of Sheila.

SHEILA:

I've been trapped by Miles Kastle my

whole life. She walks over to her

scooter, and mounts it.

SHEILA:

Now he's the one who's locked up and I'm

the one who's free. If I gotta do this

alone, I might as well start now. She

revs up and peals out.

THEO:

(yells)

SSHHEEIILLAAA!

74 EXT. CEMETERY PARKING LOT 74

As Sid and Breeze walk up to their car, Theo catches up with

them.

THEO:

Why is Junior's watch in that coffin?

Something stinks around here.

SID:

Your time is up, busyboy.

THEO:

Who identified the body?

SID:

The body was identified along proper

Bowling Congress guidelines for

processing a bowling related fatality.

THEO:

I'm the next of kin. I should've seen

him.

BREEZE:

After we ID, we bury the body. Case and

casket closed.

THEO:

You tried to make it look like Junior

trashed his place. Junior's underground

in that coffin you d*cks put him in.

BREEZE:

It's splitsville for you.

Sid and Breeze back away from Theo.

THEO:

You faked my dad's murder. You used him!

Where is he! Theo chases Sid and Breeze

around their car. He catches Sid and

grabs the middle fingers on his right

hand. Sid howls.

SID:

Ow! Ooh! No, please! Doc said I'd be back

on the planks in a week! Show him Breeze!

Breeze pulls a copy of "New York Bowler"

from his pocket. The headline reads "RUB

OUT!:
BOWLING LEGEND KACKED BY DWARFSCAM

KINGPIN" with a photo of Buzz Fazeli.

SID:

It's official, you're an orphan.

Happy now, busyboy? Theo stares at the newspaper. He lets

Sid's fingers drop.

75 EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY 75

Sheila speeds along, her Vespa maxing out at 30 mph. From

behind her we see Theo's car approaching rapidly. He pulls up

beside her.

THEO:

(shouting and pointing

frantically)

What makes you think you know me so well

that you can give me an ultimatum? Huh?

SHEILA:

Who said anything about an ultimatum? You

want to find your father? Get a shovel

and start digging. Hurry up, he's

probably in Purgatory by now. Sheila

makes a pathetic attempt to speed away

from Theo. He moves up beside her again.

THEO:

You're really pissing me off.

SHEILA:

I'm pissing you off? I'm doing what I

said I'd do. What the hell are you doing?

What about your word?

THEO:

My word is good, and it'll always be

good. When did I ever give my word to

you?

SHEILA:

What about plan C?

THEO:

F*** plan C!

SHEILA:

Your word is so good, you're never gonna

give it to anyone.

THEO:

You think I'm dumping you to get back

into bowling. Well who's dumping who?

SHEILA:

I'm not dumping you, I'm suspending you.

THEO:

Sez you!

SHEILA:

Suck my dick!

She speeds ahead.

76 EXT. HIGHWAY 76

Theo THUNDERS along in his car. He listens to his SONG over

the stereo. Theo digs into his pocket and pulls out the golf

ball from Buzz's house.

77 GOLF BALL 77

The logo on the ball reads "PARADISE."

THEO:

Paradise.

The white ball fills the frame.

THEO (OS)

(whispers to himself)

Paradise. Hmmmm

The camera pulls back from the ball to reveal:

78 INT. TROPICAL 7-ELEVEN - DAY 78

Theo standing in flowery long Bermuda shorts, matching

airbrush Luau shirt and 7-11 shades. The woman behind the

counter looks like Alfie's twin. (It's actually Alfie in

drag.) It's the same store as before, only with a tropical

motif. Instead of bowling magazines on the rack, there's Mini-

Golf Digest. ALFREDA examines the ball at arm's length,

through her bifocals.

ALFREDA:

You a mini-golfer?

THEO:

Nope.

ALFREDA:

Paradise, huh? Might be one of the new

putt-putts off route 99. Theo turns to

leave.

ALFREDA:

Can I get you something for the road?

THEO:

You have orange whips?

ALFREDA:

Orange who? Not from 'round here, are ya?

THEO:

No. I'm from Akron.

79 EXT. BILLBOARD - DAY 79

The billboard fills the frame. It reads "Paradise Putt-Putt",

and underneath:
"A heavenly experience." A motorized cheesy-

looking smiling dwarf-angel swings a golden club.

EXT. MINI-GOLF COURSE

Miniature golf obstacles are bathed in the light of the

setting sun. The camera passes a huge cement centaur

surrounded by astro-carpeting.

WOMAN (OS)

I just hold it loosely with both hands?

MAN (OS)

That's right, sugar, find the grip that's

right for you. Then grasp firmly.

The camera weaves past a five foot pink

whale with a gaping green mouth leading

onto a mini-green.

WOMAN (OS)

Grasp firmly. Then what?

MAN (OS)

Line up where you want it.

WOMAN (OS)

Yeah.

MAN (OS)

Now swing it out a little to the right...

WOMAN (OS)

Like this?

MAN (OS)

No, no, that's too far. Try a more gentle

stroke. It's all in the stroke. Go ahead,

now, honey - stroke. As the camera comes

around the side of the whale, we see an

elderly man in a fire hydrant red sports

coat and white slacks hunched over a

diminutive fiftyish woman. His back is

to the camera and he is wearing a

baseball cap with a plastic halo attached

to it.

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