Spare Me Page #6

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MRS. JACKSON (OC)

132, 154.

KASTLE:

You keep that up Carmelita and one day

you'll be a champion just like Mr.

Skinner here. What do you think, Theo?

Think Carmelita's got the stuff?

THEO:

That's some pinfall. Almost a 133

average. Her ball's flat, she needs to

work on her spin control.

KASTLE:

That's right, didn't you have a slight

control problem in a recent

tournament,champ?

(to Carmelita)

Now go take out your "big four", darling.

(to Theo)

Come on, we're making her nervous.

They continue walking.

KASTLE:

I get them while they're young. Builds

loyalty.

MRS. JACKSON (OC)

She hit it, Mr. Kastle!

KASTLE:

(waving over his shoulder)

Four or five years when a girl like

that's bowling on the pro tour for Team

Kastle, she'll pay a handsome profit on

my investment.

THEO:

And the dwarf bowling?

They stop, and Kastle pulls Theo over to an enormous aquarium

near the lounge.

KASTLE:

(making sweeping gesture)

Think of this business like a big

aquarium. You gotta have some sharks to

eat the dirt at the bottom so the guppies

can swim free at the top.

(more)

KASTLE:

Profits down there, philanthropy up here.

(looks at Theo)

Besides, it beats the pants off bingo.

THEO:

Nice set-up.

KASTLE:

If it springs a leak, it'll be because

Buzz is making waves.

THEO:

What if he wants to get out?

KASTLE:

(chuckles)

He's earned an early retirement.

(sprays his mouth with Binaca)

But enough about losers; Buzz Fazeli is

history. Lets talk about your future.

(puts his arm around Theo)

I wanna show you something.

42 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 42

Kastle and Theo stand in front of the huge bank of video

screens.

KASTLE:

Rac. R-A-C. Renovate, Automate,

Computerize. That, my boy, is the future.

One of the monitors shows a little girl

bowling. Her ball moves so slowly it

barely tips over the first pin. Kastle

hits a key and the pins explode in an

emphatic strike. The little girl jumps

with joy.

THEO:

What ever happened to just bowling?

KASTLE:

There's a lot of competition for

amusement out there. You gotta adapt to

survive.

THEO:

I like the sport the way it is.

KASTLE:

A guy like you could breathe some fire

into bowling. You got ambition like

a...like a...blowtorch. You go for what

you want and anything that gets in your

way - PSSSHHT! - shish kebabs.

(puts his arm around Theo)

Maybe lady fate washed you up on my

doorstep for your own good.

(pauses for effect)

I think I could help you, Theo.

THEO:

(he's been waiting for this)

How Mr. Kastle?

KASTLE:

You need a sponsor; I have influence. I

could sponsor you.

THEO:

Why would you help me?

KASTLE:

I like you, Theo. You bowl with soul.

Kastle turns to his video screens.

KASTLE:

But, now that you mention it, you could

afford me one minor dispensation. Theo

follows his gaze to the screen.

KASTLE:

While you're in town, I need you to keep

an eye on my daughter for a couple of

days. Her big brother broke out of the

mental hospital... Theo's eyes glaze

over, the lights in the office dim, and

Kastle seems to recede into the far

distance.

43 THEO'S POV - NIGHTMARE 43

As running FOOTSTEPS are heard, the camera whizzes down a

darkened alley towards the pins.

KASTLE (OS)

...and I want someone watching out for

Sheila while he's, uh, loose.

44 EXT. WOODS - NIGHTMARE 44

The heels of Junior's running feet.

KASTLE (OS)

Junior's a problem child. He has a thing

about -

JUNIOR:

(wails)

SHEILA!

45 INT. MILES KASTLE'S OFFICE 45

Theo snaps out of it, the room lights come up, and Kastle

points to her image on the TV screen. Sheila turns and looks

up at the video camera. Theo and Sheila's eyes seem to meet.

Theo freezes for a moment.

THEO:

I could do that.

As the two men shake hands, Sheila "flips the bird" to the

camera.

KASTLE:

One thing,

(pointing to Theo's mid-

section)

keep the meat in the freezer.

CUT TO:

46 EXT. HIGHWAY - EARLY EVENING 46

Theo and Sheila blast along the dark roadway on her Vespa,

Theo sitting behind Sheila.

THEO:

(shouting above the engine)

This is a vicious cycle.

SHEILA:

I think that a motorbike is one of the

last really free things that people can

do.

THEO:

Isn't this technically a scooter?

SHEILA:

When I'm on my bike I feel like a wild

person.

(she looks sideways at Theo)

Better than any sex I've ever had.

THEO:

Kinda tough on the butt.

SHEILA:

Everything has it's drawbacks.

THEO:

Where did your brother escape from?

SHEILA:

The mental hospital.

THEO:

What does he do?

SHEILA:

He follows me, he tries to have sex with

me, and then they send him to the nut-hut

for a while and then he gets out and then

he follows me, he tries to have sex with

me, they send him to the nut-hut for a

while...

THEO:

Whoa.

SHEILA:

It's a vicious cycle.

CUT TO:

47 EXT. PARKING FIELD 47

Sheila and Theo motor across an empty beach parking field

towards a lone station wagon. Swing-a-delic MUSIC drifts from

the parked vehicle.

47 EXT. STATION WAGON 47

Sheila pulls up beside the wagon. She leads Theo towards a

group of partying people at the tailgate of the car; three

white women, three white men and Luna. Luna pulls a rubber

hookah hose out of his mouth and offers it to Theo.

LUNA:

Hookah?

THEO:

No thanks, I don't hookah.

LUNA:

Theo, you ever do the 'Swing'?

Theo shakes his head.

SHEILA:

These guys all work at the alley, too.

This is John, Susan, Jon, Suzanne,

Jonathan, and Sue. Everyone welcomes Theo

and Sheila.

LUNA:

(screams)

Dance Break!

Luna throws himself into a wild body-whip as the music THROBS

massively.

EXT. DANCE

Luna and Sheila do a wild jitterbug-derived Swing-a-Delic

dance surrounded by weaving white folk.

EXT. BARBECUE

One of the guys is on crutches, has a neck brace, a chest

cast, and one arm in a truss. He stands by the barbecue and

flips burgers with his one free hand. Theo walks over to him.

GUY:

Hey man, howyadoin'?

He wiggles his hand out of the end of his cast. Theo shakes

his fingers.

THEO:

Don't tell me, John.

JOHN:

Cool!

THEO:

Theo. Howzitgoin.

JOHN:

Hey man, welcome to our parking lot.

Lemme give you some advice, if she asks

you to dance, make sure her brother's not

around. Somebody blew out Junior's pilot

light, if you get my meaning.

THEO:

How's that?

JOHN:

I was doing the lambada with her and the

guy freaks, he breaks my arm, tries to

kill me. I swear man, the guy thought I

was a pi–ata. If nobody else hadn't a

been there, he wouldn't have stopped. He

woulda killed me. F***in' guy man, just

snapped. How do you like your burger?

THEO:

(meets eyes with Sheila)

Uh...over easy.

JOHN:

(throws a blackened burger on

Theo's styrofoam plate)

I'll tell you one thing, you won't see me

around that alley with that freak on the

loose. Stay away from his ass - and don't

play any of his f***in' knock-knock

jokes.

Luna comes over to Theo and grabs him. They start to dance.

LUNA:

Sheila wants me to show you a few steps

before you two swing-a-delic.

THEO:

(uneasily)

So, you're the pinman around here?

LUNA:

...And one, and two, and yes, I am. But

no one gets them working like Junior used

to...and two, and one.. - they call him

The 'Quasimodo of the lanes.' He's the

best pinman there is.. and one and

two...People used to say he got the

machines working so well 'cause he

lubricated them with blood...and two, and

one...but people just love saying things

about Junior.

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