Spare Me Page #8

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BREEZE:

(getting excited)

- canker sore.

SID:

(apoplectic)

Right, eating at the core, eating it's

way out. It makes me sick!

Sid starts pressing buttons on the tape deck

SID:

How do you turn this thing off?

BREEZE:

Wait! That's an aria!

Sid and Breeze struggle for the cassette. The music DISTORTS

into a warbling gurgle of an aria.

SID:

Gimme that!

Sid yanks the cassette out, but the tape becomes tangled in

the player. He pulls at the endless yards of tape and throws

the whole mess out the window.

52 EXT. PETER PAN DINER - DAY 52

Theo, wearing sunglasses and dressed in a jogging suit

similar to Miles Kastle's, steps out of the diner with a bag

containing four orange whips. He goes over to his parked car.

Buzz walks up.

BUZZ:

(in deadly serious)

Theo, I want you to get out of this town.

THEO:

I'm getting to like it here.

BUZZ:

Did that porcupine say he'd get you back

on the tour?

THEO:

I gotta survive.

BUZZ:

(shaking his head)

He'll be a barnacle on your ass the rest

of your life.

THEO:

You got a better offer?

BUZZ:

No...

THEO:

I didn't think so.

Theo takes a long drag from his orange whip.

BUZZ:

Not for somebody who hit a man with his

ball on national television.

THEO:

(bitterly)

That's right, Buzz, and you know when I

did it? Last match, last frame. All I

needed was one spare for the crown - and

I get stuck with the seven-ten, the

Fazeli Split.

BUZZ:

You never even took the shot. You

couldn't do it. Theo moves towards Buzz

in a threatening manner.

THEO:

(repressed fury in his voice)

I was beaten on a shot named after my own

dad. The moment passes. Theo turns and

climbs into his car. He looks up at Buzz.

BUZZ:

Look, kid, gimme a break. I'm an old man.

(taps chest)

I'm runnin' on a Delrin aorta. I'm

finished - dead from my ankles up.

THEO:

I couldn't care less.

Theo starts his car.

BUZZ:

You know what I think? You didn't

come here to find a father. You didn't even come here for

help. You just came here to take it all out on somebody. Well

it ain't gonna be me! Theo pulls out of the parking lot. Buzz

yells after him.

BUZZ:

(at the top of his lungs)

I SHOULDA HAD MY TUBES TIED!

53 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, GARAGE 53

The Kastle home is a huge nouveau riche Brady Bunch style

house with a large deck jutting over the driveway. The doors

are open on the spacious two car garage.

Sheila has the headset of her Vespa disassembled. Theo walks

up the driveway, orange whips in hand.

SHEILA:

I don't think your new outfit suits you,

Theo.

THEO:

(flicking dust off the suit)

Really? I kinda like it.

He sits nearby.

SHEILA:

Do you talk with your mom?

THEO:

It's been awhile. She didn't want me

looking for my dad.

SHEILA:

My mom told me not to stay in this town.

THEO:

So why do you stay?

SHEILA:

I'm a credit card junkie. I went on a

binge and my dad bailed me out. Now I'm

trapped in his easy payment plan.

THEO:

I bet you get to meet a lot of eligible

bowlers.

SHEILA:

Yeah, but they're all little wannabes.

I'm looking for a professional man.

THEO:

(he ponders the thought)

I may not be a pro bowler, but I'm no

amateur man. Sheila moves closer to Theo.

SHEILA:

(touches his lips)

How much would you charge me for the

lips?

THEO:

More than you could afford.

SHEILA:

Come on, bargain with me.

THEO:

I could let them go for ten.

SHEILA:

(she pulls away, slightly)

You professional men drive a hard

bargain. I'm afraid I only have five on

me. Sheila pulls out a 5 dollar bill.

THEO:

(smiles)

If you want a professional man, you have

to be willing to pay for him.

54 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DECK 54

Sheila and Theo stand on the deck. Sheila scans the road

leading to the house with binoculars.

THEO:

What are you going to do about your

brother?

SHEILA:

You're here.

THEO:

What about the guy he put in the body

cast?

BINOCULAR POV:

The road is empty

SHEILA:

Momentary relapse. Except for that, he's

been making progress. Sheila laughs. Theo

nervously pulls his collar up over the

hickey on his neck.

SHEILA:

Junior is like a faithful doggy. He loves

his birthday so much, that every year,

before we can go pick him up...

BINOCULAR POV:

Kastle's car appears, driving hell-for-

leather towards the house.

SHEILA:

...he breaks out of the hospital and

comes home on his own. Here they come.

She hands the binoculars to Theo, who

immediately trains them on the road.

SHEILA:

My mom once had an affair. When my dad

found out, he had Junior kill the man.

The body was never found, but I think

Junior took him to the alley. Theo lowers

the binoculars and looks at Sheila.

THEO:

Then it's true, isn't it? About...

SHEILA:

...lane six. Yes.

55 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, DRIVEWAY55

Kastle's car comes belly-flopping to a stop in front of the

house. Kastle climbs out and gesticulates wildly to the

couple.

KASTLE:

(a loud whisper)

He's here! Come on down!

BLACKNESS INSIDE THE TRUNK

KASTLE (OS)

(muffled)

OK, hats on everybody.

SOUNDS of the group gathering outside can be heard.

SHEILA (OS)

(muffled)

Dad, this is ridiculous. Just open it.

KASTLE (OS)

(muffled)

Ssssh! Now real quiet. On three.

One...two...three!

The lid flies up and Kastle, Sheila, and Theo stand there,

with party hats and party horns in their mouths. They all

cheer and throw confetti.

EVERYONE:

Surprise!

Kastle takes a flash snapshot. Junior, lying on some folded

blankets in the trunk, looks at his family with a stunned

expression. He is in a straitjacket. Junior's new watch

begins to PLAY "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". He

struggles to pull his arm out, but can't. Kastle reaches in

to untie the straitjacket.

KASTLE:

Steady boy, steady.

Untied, Junior presses the BEEPING watch against his ear. His

face breaks into a beatific smile.

CUT TO:

56 EXT. KASTLE HOUSE, PICNIC TABLE - AFTERNOON 56

Kastle pulls shish kebab chunks off a skewer. He looks down

to see that one of the chunks is a melted Ken head. He throws

it away in disgust.

KASTLE:

I bet you didn't know that you and Junior

have something in common, Theo: Junior

can't bowl anymore either. Isn't that

right Junior? Kastle SLAMS the ketchup

bottle down on Junior's right hand. The

table settings jump from the shock.

Junior sits impassively, his face a

blank.

KASTLE:

See! No feeling. Tell Theo what happened

to your hand, Junior.

SHEILA:

After we eat, Dad.

KASTLE:

He stuck it in the ball return machine

when he was a kid. Crushed all the nerve

endings. Junior starts stroking the

ketchup bottle with his dead hand.

JUNIOR:

It's not so bad. When I'm alone, it feels

like someone else. Sheila grabs the

bottle from Junior, opens it and pours

some on her shish kebab. She leans over

and whispers furiously to her father.

SHEILA:

Do you have to get your hooks into every

guy I'm interested in?

KASTLE:

(whispers back, defensively)

You're just like you mother! Always

jealous!

SHEILA:

That's why Mom ran away, because you had

to control everything!

KASTLE:

She ran away to be with that...

(spits out his words)

that Motocross champion.

JUNIOR:

Your turn, Theo. Why can't you bowl?

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