Speechless Page #2

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Ow. The handbrake.

Well my hands are shaky

and my knees are weak

I can't seem to stand

on my own two feet

- The car. We're rolling.

- Oh, I know.

The clutch.

- Just show me where your clutch is.

- On the car.

My tongue gets tied when I try to speak

My insides shake like a leaf on a tree

There's only one cure

for this body of mine

That's to have that girl that I love so fine

She touched my hand

and what a chill I got

Her lips are like a volcano that's hot

I'm proud to say that she's my buttercup

I'm in love

I'm all shook up

- Ouch!

- Hi.

Good morning.

- This is, um...

- Kevin.

- Dan.

- Nice to meet you.

- Kevin's a sitcom writer.

- Yeah. I write for, uh... I write for sitcoms.

It's nice to meet you.

Here's today's schedule, Julia.

- I'll see you inside.

- Great. Thanks.

- Who's that? Your boss?

- Oh, it's like being caught by your dad.

- It's bad enough they patronise me.

- You know what to do?

You're full of advice, aren't you?

Best thing to do, when people

try to patronise you, is yell. Shout.

Let me put it on. Really.

Speak louder than they do.

They're trying to see if you'll wimp out.

Just raise your voice a little bit.

Try it. Let me know tonight how it works.

I mean, we never got

those breakfast burritos.

- What time?

- Eight.

- My hair's a mess.

- It's perfect.

- Eight o'clock, in the lobby?

- Out here.

(photographer #1) That's good.

(photographer #2) That's it. More smiles.

- Oh, my stomach.

- Whew. Campaign food, huh?

- Mm. Watch the fish.

- It's too late. Good luck.

It needs a touch-up, Lee.

Unacceptable, Annette.

- Piece of sh*t, Kev.

- 12,999, and there's an even 13,000.

- Not bad. How are you?

- That's why I fired him.

See what you can do with it.

Give it some humour, some heart.

- You didn't sleep last night.

- Ah, you know me.

Solid ten minutes, I'm good for the day.

Thanks for doin' this.

Comin' out at the last minute.

I know how you swore off

this campaign stuff.

Hey, don't worry about it.

I owed you one.

Hey, uh, where's he givin' this thing?

- The barrio, three o'clock.

- What's this, uh... what's this ditch issue?

- The Mexico Ditch? Why?

- Some reporter told me about it.

It's a sore point

with the Hispanic community.

Our guy's for it.

Don't bring it up in the barrio.

- I bet our opponent does.

- Spin it our way, Garvin'll love ya.

- Hey, you think this guy's any good?

- Of course he is. He's better than good.

Would I have called you

if he wasn't good? What reporter?

- Just some reporter.

- What's her name?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Listen, Kev.

It's a cutthroat campaign here.

Don't do anything stupid.

And for God's sake,

don't mix with the enemy.

Smile. Great, great.

Just one more. One more.

- That's enough!

- Let's keep up the good work.

- Mike, I have an idea for today's speech.

- Not now.

- The Mexico Ditch. Time to attack.

- Listen, we have been over this.

I am the press secretary. I make

the policy decisions. Is that all, dear?

(shouts) No, it's not!

- Excuse me?

- Firstly, the name is Julia, not "dear".

Secondly, I don't like

being patronised, Mr Kratz.

I'm not patronising you, de...

- Why are you talking so loud?

- I am the speechwriter.

I have ten years' experience.

And if you think I can't handle it,

let's talk to the campaign manager.

Walk with me.

Wannamaker attacks on the Mexico Ditch.

We hold his statement till four.

Garvin can't hit back till tomorrow.

And guess where he's speaking today?

- The barrio.

- That's good. I'll try to get that approved.

And next time, don't be so angry.

We're in this together, don't forget.

Oh. So, good, he could say

something in Spanish, maybe?

- What's the name of this town?

- San Jose.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Who are you?

- I'm the new guy.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Everyone, this is Kevin Vallick,

our new speechwriter.

He worked on the Tobin campaign

in '84, remember?

Fresh from Hollywood.

He wrote Chuck and Eddie,

- Oh, I love that show!

- Thanks. OK, now, listen.

This town, San Jose.

Is there a local hero?

Anybody save anybody from drowning?

- Yeah, there's a spelling-bee winner.

- Girl or boy?

- Girl.

- Perfect, perfect.

OK, let's do this. Put her

up on the stand with Garvin,

and he will say

"I'd like to introduce someone to you."

Someone who makes me

proud to be an American.

This young lady is

the state spelling-bee champion.

Let's talk about Garvin's

record on immigration.

"I've a spotless record on Mexican..."

"My opponent says

he's a friend of minorities."

My opponent claims

that he is a friend to minorities.

- Yes, good, good.

- "But actions speak louder than words."

But anyone can speak words.

Acting actions, that's the important thing.

My opponent claims...

"Insecure friends...

soon become enemies."

Insecure enemies are soon at war.

Now, this ditch...

"...that separates the two great countries

of Mexico and America..."

...it's really an act of friendship.

- Talk about the economics...

- No, it's a moral issue.

OK. "It rebuilds the Berlin Wall, brick

by brick. So I must ask my opponent..."

...torn down in Germany,

rebuilt in America?

- That's the sound bite.

- It's a step backwards,

- "Good fences make good neighbours."

- "The beginning of a new intolerance."

It is the American Wall.

I call it... the Friendship Ditch.

Maricon!

You know, you're gonna get

a sound bite outta this.

Yeah, well, we'll find out at five.

It's the Channel Seven Action News

with Doris Wind,

- Lead story?

- If the Martians haven't landed in Taos.

- Please, please.

- Good evening, Our top story tonight,

It was day two in the desperate struggle

of one small bear cub to stay alive,

- Teddy, a cub beloved by millions,

- Get outta here with this bear.

- How can he be the lead story?

- Excuse me, can you try Channel Two?

,, at the bottom of a water well

in the Albuquerque zoo,

- In what is turning into,,,

- Look, it's the bear again.

Oh, my God. Every channel

is covering this story?

,, as we enter day two of Bear Watch,

Well, take a gun and put

the little sh*t out of his misery.

Good idea.

- Even the youngest of bears,,,

- This bear is everywhere.

The bear and the...

Now we're getting dancing bears.

Oh, this is really lovely. I'm really pleased.

- That's real cute.

- Yeah, look, the top hat, the cape.

- Unbelievable.

- I'm gonna grab my phone.

- Hello.

- Hi. You out of breath?

Oh, hey. How you doin'? Yeah, well,

you know, 45 minutes on the StairMaster.

- About tonight...

- You're cancelling,

Why? Cos I ran out of gas?

I don't normally do that.

We really oughta move past

the gas gauge thing, cos that's shallow.

- We're deeper than that,

- Shut up.

Let's make it midnight, OK?

Is that too late?

Whew. You kidding? Midnight.

I just wake up at midnight.

Me too.

- Oh! It worked.

- Good. Good. What worked?

My boss. He thought

I was gonna explode.

Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah, the...

See? I told you. I told you.

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