Speechless Page #3

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That's great. The more

intimidating you are, the better.

I might be outta line,

but can I make a suggestion?

Tattoo. Really mean-Iooking tattoo.

You should get one.

My old boyfriend had a tattoo.

On the inside of his lip.

- I'm sorry?

- Know what it said?

Uh... Oh, boy. "How am I driving?

Call 1-800" and then a number?

Did he have a really big lip?

Was it Mick Jagger?

- Come on!

- Oh! Gotta go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. OK.

Look, uh... So, tonight then, right?

- Midnight.

- Yeah, midnight. Bye.

,, more and more, the fate

of animals means less and less,

Oh, put some pants on that bear!

Meanwhile, Teddy's mother, Big Bertha,

waits for some word,

any word, of Teddy's fate,

- Back to you in the studio,

- They're killin' us with this stuff.

- ,, politics as usual,

- OK, here we go.

With the election only 30 days away,

both candidates vying for the vacant seat

argued the merits of

the so-called Friendship Ditch,

Friendship what?!

Yes! Dr Spin!

- Whew!

- ,, denounced by Lloyd Wannamaker,

- Torn down in Germany,,,

- Sound bite! Yes!

That's it. No more bets.

No more bets? How am I gonna get

my beer money, fellas?

But New Mexico business tycoon Eay

Garvin defended the Friendship Ditch,,,

Friendship what?!

,, the Friendship Ditch ensures

our security, it ensures our friendship,

They had to know

we were attacking the ditch.

Friendship what?!

Our resident genius.

- Great speech, Kevin.

- Thanks.

Oh, there's a career seminar

at Mesa Junior High tonight.

- They wanna hear from our speechwriter.

- Whoa. Gee, I can't tonight.

- I got something really important to do.

- Well, you'll be done by eight.

Why? Seeing your reporter?

No way. Uh-uh. I took your advice on that.

I'll give a short introduction,

then let you two start.

- I'm sorry? Two?

- Uh, she's a bit late.

- Mr Wannamaker's speechwriter.

- Oh.

- You're fine with that?

- Oh, sure.

Oh, here she is. Meet Mr Wannamaker's

speechwriter, Julia Mann.

And, uh, Mr Garvin's speechwriter,

Kevin Vallick.

- Have you two met already?

- Yes.

- No.

- No. I'm sorry, I thought she was...

she was somebody I knew.

A reporter, actually.

Why don't we get started? Uh, Miss Mann,

could you come sit over here?

People! People! Calm down.

Take your seats.

Now I'm sure we've all heard the horror

stories about politics and politicians.

Well, Mr Vallick and Miss Mann

were nice enough

to take time out from their busy schedule

to show us

there is a human side to politics.

Maybe we'd better start

with questions. Anyone?

Mm-hm?

I was interested in politics,

but my dad said that only liars go into it.

- Bobby, I don't...

- I can respond to that.

Most people in politics aren't liars.

It's only the opportunistic ones from

other fields, let's say TV comedy writing,

the last stop of the untalented,

who turn into liars.

- I see.

- Oh, and hacks.

(nervous giggle)

Well, maybe Mr Vallick could

offer us a different perspective.

Bobby? Yeah. Hey, there are frauds

in politics, sure. But you know what?

There are also some passionate,

seemingly idealistic individuals...

- That's very encouraging.

...who turn out only later to be frauds.

Any... other... questions?

Is there much interaction

between the two campaigns?

Between Democrats and Republicans?

Ah, I think this is your area.

Uh, it's discouraged

for campaigns to socialise.

If one speechwriter were to date another,

they might reveal something

about the campaign.

Some campaigns have spies

for just this purpose,

to pursue someone

on the other campaign, to seduce her...

- Or him.

...and try to find out her secrets.

On the other hand, sometimes people

have a tendency to get "paranoid".

And just because someone

seems interested in them,

that doesn't mean

they're after their secrets.

Still, it's not paranoid

to be suspicious of, let's say,

a relationship that moves too fast,

a chance encounter that isn't chance.

- Or somebody lying about their work.

- Or asks too much about work.

Of course, a speechwriter could,

to use Miss... Sorry, I forgot your name.

- Mann.

- Yeah, right.

To use Ms Mann's example,

a speechwriter could protect herself...

- Or himself.

...from being compromised by not flirting.

You know, not sniffing around

like a cat in heat.

Or she might tell the other speechwriter

"Peddle your sh*t elsewhere, scumbag."

- I really think we ought to veer...

- Once the infiltrator,

or "slut-spy", for lack of a better word,

has been uncovered,

the other speechwriter's passion

for the campaign is renewed.

And he'll need it. If he's a has-been,

jumping from field to field

like a f***-happy rabbit,

with an inadequacy

born of inexperience...

Or the lack of creativity

born of over-experience.

...he'll need motivation, especially against

someone who believes in her cause!

I'd like to thank both Mr Vallick and

Miss Mann for their illuminating words

about politics, the human side.

- You lied to me.

- You lied first.

- First? This isn't grade school.

- It is.

You used me. You took the Mexico Ditch!

You never even heard of it before!

Of course. I didn't realise

you had a copyright on a ditch.

- What other forces of nature are yours?

- I will keep this simple.

I. Me. This person in front of you. I do not.

Not. The international symbol for "no".

- I do not want you near me again!

- Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

- So are we still on for midnight?

- Ohh!

My opponent has accused me

of playing politics.

My opponent has accused me

of taking his issue -

his issue, the Friendship Ditch -

and using it for my own ends.

Perhaps he should warn me

of any of other issues that come up

that are strictly his!

Garvin continued to accuse Wannamaker

of using the Friendship Ditch,,,

And I wish Mr Garvin would treat

this process with some dignity!

With only three weeks left

until the election,

why can't he decide whether he wants

to be a candidate or a businessman?

Why doesn't he stop jumping from field

to field like some slaphappy rabbit?

Come on, Mr Garvin, Why are you treating

this campaign like some slick sitcom,

with sound bites

worthy of a Hollywood hack?

That's why I'm travelling across

this great state of New Mexico,

- To hear your concerns,

- Let's go, guys. Go, go, go!

So goodbye, and God bless!

Move, move, move!

(man) Hey, Freed, man!

...balloon fiesta at four o'clock.

Great visuals.

Baghdad Bob? Slummin' it in local news?

Whew. Ah, I just follow the story.

- Come on. This isn't Iraq.

- Yeah, well, it's early yet. Excuse me.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- Guess who.

- Oh!

- Bob.

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- You glad to see me?

Surprised to see me?

A little less than thrilled to see me?

What was the middle one?

- I'm just here on business, Jules.

- My God. Albuquerque's been invaded.

No, we're doing the Senate races.

Network sent me to cover New Mexico.

OK. I chose New Mexico.

It's a real interesting story.

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