Spice World Page #5

uptight, Clifford.

Uptight?! You've got

a live gig here tomorrow.

It's my job to see you turn up.

My bum is on the line!

Could you please leave butts

and bums out of this?

Some things are more

important than gigs.

- Like what?

- Self-respect and our freedom.

And friendship.

What are you saying? You

don't want to turn up tomorrow?

Maybe we don't!

- Why did you say that?

- I don't know.

Listen, it's up to us whether

we turn up or not tomorrow.

OK. Stay at home.

That's fine.

- Fine!

- What about the fans?

- We can't let them down!

- He didn't mean that.

Didn't I?

Please stop arguing!

When you know exactly

what is happening,

could somebody

please let me know?

- Now look what you've done!

- That's just too bad.

Yeah, 'cause you know what?

- I'm going home now. See ya.

- Bye.

Could we just stop this?

It's doing my head in!

I hope you know

what you're doing!

If you want a fight,

you're gonna lose.

So, what do you think?

No, I don't want to hear it.

What do you think?

I think you definitely,

definitely lost.

I think...

I may have started

the break-up of the Spice Girls.

It's fine, Chief.

Everything's fine.

- Oh, no, it isn't.

- No, it isn't.

How bad is it?

Imagine how bad

it could possibly be.

- Yes?

- Well, it's worse than that.

- Oh, dear.

- Don't get upset, Chief.

- Oh, dearie me.

- You're getting emotional.

The show will go on, even if

I have to round up four friends

and personally dress up

as Victoria.

- May it not come to that.

- I won't let you down.

The headless chicken

can only know where he's been.

He cannot see

where he is going.

Do not be that chicken,

Clifford.

Chicken. Right.

The girls have had a row

with Clifford.

They might not turn up

for the show.

Something strange is happening.

What is it?

Something's happening

to my face.

I...I think you're smiling.

A very long time ago.

Thanks, Brian.

There we go, girls.

That's six coffees. 1.50.

- Put in on the slate, please.

- What slate?

The we'll-pay-you-

when-we're-rich slate.

Call me old-fashioned, but...no.

- I'm not the Salvation Army?

- It was worth a try.

How's the career going?

We've got this new song.

What is it?

Flip-flop or hip-hop? Funk?

Where've you been

for the last 10 years?

Well, I don't know

the music scene now.

Anything goes these days.

I'm a jazz man,

and jazz is due for a comeback.

They've got this great song.

Do it for him.

- Nah. He's not interested.

- 'Course he is! Aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Sit down and listen.

Let's do it!

What do you think?

Not bad.

Just needs a bit more jazz.

Wicked!

- It'll make the top 20!

- Wicked!

It's great! I love it!

- It's so sad.

- That's what I was thinking.

We used to live in there.

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

Same as you.

This seems like

ages ago, doesn't it?

It just shows you.

You can't go back.

I wonder

what happened to Brian.

We owe him

for a couple of coffees.

Let's go get some chips.

Bacon butties for me.

You don't care what you eat.

No, I don't.

I wonder if we've changed

since we've been famous?

I don't think I have.

Nor have I.

We worry about different things.

Then it was, "Where's

our next meal coming from?"

Now it's, "Where's

our next single going to?"

And, "Is it over soon?"

Melvin B, Emma, Melvin C,

Victoria, Geri...

You are guilty

of releasing a single

that is not as kicking

as your previous records,

nor does it have

such a wicked bass line.

You are sentenced

to having your next record

enter the charts at number 179

before dropping

out the following week.

What?

Furthermore,

you are sentenced to 20 years

of having to appear

on chat shows in Taiwan

talking about how

you used to be famous.

May God have mercy

on your lip gloss.

Call Gary Barlow.

We haven't got time

for our friends anymore.

Like Nicola.

We're supposed to be

godmothers to her baby.

We haven't spent

any time with her.

Why don't we

take her out tonight?

Yeah! And go really mental!

Yeah!

We have a show tomorrow.

What are we doing about that?

If Clifford finds out

he'll go beserk.

What are we waiting for?

- Yeah!

- Come on!

- Come on, Vicky!

- I can't run in these heels.

Thought I'd find you here.

Sorry, there's only room for

one depressed personality here.

At least you're still alive.

That's the bit

that depresses me.

I've got a degree in politics,

philosophy, and economics,

and I spend my life

worrying whether Mel C

is wearing

the right Nike Air Max.

- Did you sort them out?

- Yes.

Mind you, I'd rather be us

than the girls. Fame is...

Fame is a fickle thing.

What can I get you?

Gin and tonic, please.

Just a minute.

Can you make that a double?

Yes.

- You know what happens now?

- What's that?

We'll sit here

and get self-pitying,

telling each other

tales of lost lovers,

then deaden the pain

with a night of passion

and end up ruining

our professional relationship.

Well, I'm up for it if you are.

Time, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope Bob's here!

You all right, Nicola?

Fine. I won't be

going out for a while,

so I'm going to enjoy it.

- I love this song!

- That's because we wrote it!

- Let's go and dance.

- No, I'll watch you.

Take care, Nicola.

See you later.

Could somebody please tell me

what the dress code is here?

- Excuse me!

- Excuse me! Sorry.

Can we sit down, please?

I think the contractions

have started.

Maybe it's something you ate.

I don't remember

swallowing a baby.

The baby's coming. Don't panic.

- Don't panic.

- I'm not panicking.

What do you do

in an emergency?

- Call my mum!

- We need an ambulance!

- There's not enough time.

- We don't need an ambulance!

Dennis! We've got

to get to the hospital!

- All of you?

- Just get there!

Move 'em in.

We're gonna hit the trail.

- Ooh, that was a contraction.

- Cuddle.

Deep breathing.

That's the thing.

Not you, Victoria. Her!

Does anybody know

how to deliver a baby?

- Don't look at me!

- I know all about delivery.

- Yeah, right.

- I read it in a book.

First...put your legs together.

She should have

done that 9 months ago.

- Don't make me laugh, please.

- Do not make her laugh,

it'll shoot out

like a cannonball.

Seriously, what if

the baby comes out right now?

It's not gonna go far.

She's still got her tights on.

Stay there.

We're not ready for you.

- That's it! Push!

- I am pushing!

- Should she be pushing?

- What else can she do?

I'll turn myself inside out!

- What's going on?

- She's pushing!

How dilated is she?

Not very. She only had one gin.

Calm down. This is going

to take a long time.

Oh, that's nice.

It's all right. We're here.

That's catchy.

Excuse me?

Are you the Spice Girls?

Some of them.

My son's unconscious.

Could you talk to him,

try and wake him up?

- We can do that, can't we?

- Sorry about this.

Malcolm, the Spice Girls

have come to talk to you!

- Hello, Malcolm. It's Geri.

- And Melanie C.

And I'm Victoria, Malcolm!

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