Splash Page #4

Oh.

The moon is full.

If I stay longer than that,

I can't ever go back.

Oh, I get-- What?

Is there some sort of immigration problem?

Where did you get that?

Where? Oh, for--

Sir? Here you are, sir. There you go.

I'm going to have to call

you something in English,

because I can't pronounce-- What?

What are English names?

There's millions of them, I guess.

Jennifer,Joanie, Hillary.

Careful. Those are hot.

Names, names. Linda, Kim--

[ Allen ]

Where are we? Madison.

- Elizabeth, Samantha--

- I like Madison.

Madison's not a name.

Well, all right. Madison it is.

good thing we weren't

at 1 49th Street.

Are we going back to where you live?

Okay, um-- Here's the thing.

I was going to fnd you a hotel,

but I fgure that after this afternoon--

Well, I just assumed that--

Would you mind staying with me?

I want to stay with you.

You're the reason I came here.

Ah, that was a kiss.

I know.

Madison?

- Madison?

- Allen?

Yeah, of course, it's Allen.

What are you doing, sweetheart?

Taking a bath.

Ooo, ooo. Can I come in?

- No!

- [ Clunk ]

What was that?

Madison, are you all right?

- Everything's fne.

- Then let me in.

I'll be right there. I'm just changing.

Enough! Open the door.

Something is wrong.

Allen, can you make me some pancakes?

Make you some-- Madison.!

All right, Madison, this is getting scary.

Either open this door,

or I'll break it down!

- No, Allen, please.

-All right, that's it.!

- Allen, no!

- Ow.

Hi.

Hi. Are you okay?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you let me in?

I was... shy.

You were shy?

After the car, elevator, bedroom,

and top of the refrigerator,

you were shy?

I was shy.

She was shy.

[ garbled Shouts ]

[ gasping ]

Hey, B.B. brain!

- Yeah?

- See this hose?

- It's so I can breathe.

- Uh-huh.

You want to get your chair off it?

Huh?

[ Laughing ]

The Star Confdential?

Yeah.

- Why are you reading that?

- I don't know.

What possesses the uneducated

to purchase these?

- Interesting.

- You're not helping yourself.

You're not-- This is not news.

give me this. You know what's in here?

Nothing. You have sex, perversion.

It's all fabrication. Look at this.

A naked woman at the Statue of Liberty.

Where would they fnd a girl to do that?

[ Laughing ]

- Ow, my head!

- Let me see that.

Take me back to shore. Now!

Hello.

Madison, what is it?

What happened?

[ Horse Whinnying On TVProgram ]

It's the saddest thing I ever saw.

[ TV, Indistinct ]

It's Bonanza.

The man killed another man

and he died in the street.

No, no. This is only TV.

I thought you understood

about TV being make-believe.

It's pretend killing that's going on.

This guy is an actor.

Next week, he'll get shot

on another show.

It's kinda funny.

I'm supposed to laugh?

Yeah.

There you go.

Yeah.

I got you something.

[ Sigh ]

It's beautiful. I love it.

No, you open it.

There's more?

dd [ Waltz ]

Do you like that?

Yeah, I do.

I don't know why.Just...

something about it.

It's always appealed to me.

Do you like the sea?

No. When I was about eight,

I had this accident on a ship.

I remember.

What?

Ah, I can't.

I forget the words.

What's-- ''I understand.''

[ Chuckles ]

Did you get hurt?

No, no, I didn't,

but when I was underwater,

I could have sworn I saw--

- What?

- Nothing.

- What?

- Nothing!

I was just a stupid kid.

- They're going to tear this park out.

- Why?

They're gonna build condos

or some such nonsense.

What are you gonna do, huh?

You want to go home?

No, I have fve days left!

No-no-no. My home!

Oh. Yes.

[ Allen ] Why do we want

to go to a political dinner?

- The president will be speaking.

- President of what?

President of the

Three Stooges Fan Club.

- The president of the United States!

- Wow.

We'll be rubbing elbows

with the big boys.

- You think big, you be big.

- I guess so.

Listen,

would you mind if I took Madison...

instead of going with you?

What?

- What?

- What?

Something in here not working?

''Oh, I'll never fall in love, Freddie.

I can't. It won't work with me.''

Who said anything

about me being in love?

You haven't been to work in two days.

- So?

- Admit it.

- No.

- Admit it!

Eye gouge!

[ Screams ]

Ahhh. Ahhh!

- Admit it. Bone crusher!

- No.

Son of a bi--

Ow.

How long we been playing?

-About fve minutes.

- Oh, god.

My heart's beating like a rabbit.

You, uh, want a beer?

No, thanks.

So, tell me this.

If you're not in love with her,

how come little things she does,

drive you crazy?

Little things?

Freddie, the woman learned English

in a single afternoon.

She could probably speak English already.

I think she was in shock from being arrested.

What about that, huh?

What about a woman showing up

naked in a public place?

I'm for it.

You said...

that she had some kind

of immigration problem.

She's on an ocean liner

in international waters.

She sees America. It looks good.

So, she greases her body

like a channel swimmer.

She dives in.

She has heavy trouble with sharks,

she goes through the Coast guard,

minefelds and then she's on shore.

She's okay. That's it.

What about the bathtub?

This moon stuff, and all those TV's?

Look, I'm being serious.

I admit to a few minor fascos

in my love life.

Freddie, you took a date

to one of your own weddings!

I'm a free spirit!

I'm extremely liberal,

a freewheeling dude.

You're in love with this girl. You're

trying to convince yourself you're not.

I just don't know, Freddie.

Something about it isn't right.

I'll serve.

Hold the beer. That will be your handicap.

- Oh, we're gonna play?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humility.

- Wait.

Humility 1 01 .

- You all set?

- Yeah.

Here we go.

Oh!

This is what we came to hear?

You call and tell us you have

stretched the frontiers of paleontology...

and zoology.

We interrupt important, serious work...

to fly here at a moment's notice,

and you give us mermaids.!

Don't call us.

Call the comic book companies.

Enough. We have a seminar

in three weeks. Be ready.

[ Whistling ]

Allen, you're here! I got you a present.

- Don't look. Close your eyes.

- I gotta close the door.

What are you doing?

All right.

Okay. Look.

Ha-ha! Wha-- You, ah--

Well, that's big!

Yeah, this is--

This is very... big,

and it's... really here.

It's just so big.!

They were gonna tear it down,

so I bought it for you.

Where did you get

the money to pay for it?

Madison, where's your necklace?

- I traded it for the statue.

- Why?

Because I love you.

Oh, Madison.

Madison, I love...

this, ah, present.

I love it.

And I love you.

[ Dr. Zidell ]

What's happened to you?

You were the brightest student in my class.

True, emotionally, you were 1 2 years old.

- I was 1 2 years old.

- That's right.

Look what you've become:

a schmuck.

There is a mermaid in New York City.

You mean this, this naked girl?

How come she's got legs?

She has legs out of water

and fns in the water.

You taught me that,

Dr. Zidell. Remember?

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