Spy Page #8

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I think one of them

touched my bottom.

I don't know which one,

but I definitely felt a hand.

Are they gonna be okay?

I wouldn't worry about them.

Their fate has just been sealed.

Sorry. I'll let you go.

Shame on you!

Wow.

This is a really jazzy plane.

Is this yours?

It was my father's.

You've never been

on a private jet before?

No.

I did get upgraded

to premium economy once...

which was pretty plush.

Premium economy.

Sounds like a pen

for dirty animals.

Yeah, probably.

But it was not quite like this.

Thank you.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Can't just be because

I remind you

of some sad Bulgarian clown.

You remind me of my mother.

Really?

You know that you and I

are pretty close in age.

You're funny.

It's the Bulgarian clown in you.

Okay.

She was marvelous.

But she was different.

Eccentric, like you are.

The moment I saw you

standing there

in that abortion of a dress...

Come on.

...it was as if to say...

"This is what I've got, world.

It's hideous, but it's mine."

This was her.

Wow.

Hey, how'd you get

that picture of me?

I look amazing.

Hello, doppelgnger.

She was the only person

I could ever trust.

Well, here's to your mom.

To my mother. And to you.

And here's to you.

You may never

be as wise as an owl...

but you'll always

be a hoot to me.

What a stupid f***ing

retarded toast.

You're delightful.

As are you.

Now, where did you say

we were headed?

Headed?

Did you say where?

God.

If you ever feel like

you have been poisoned...

chew one of these.

Chew one of these.

What happened?

I've never seen somebody

dive for stool softener before.

That's one thing that happened.

What did you do?

Did you drug me?

Of course I did.

I told you,

I can't trust anybody.

I had to look

through your things.

Anyway, tell me...

are your hemorrhoids

particularly large,

or just tenacious?

Stop texting!

I'm not texting,

if you must know.

I'm playing Candy Crush

and I just made level 95.

God, that is so rude!

Jesus, Colin,

what the f*** are you doing?

I'm sorry, Rayna,

but there's been a change of plans.

Who paid you off, Colin?

Colin hasn't worked here for,

like, eight months.

I'm Fredrick.

Is that why you're doing this?

Because I don't remember

your f***ing name?

Let's just say

there's some people

who really want

what you're selling.

You don't have to do this.

I can give you a very

comfortable life, Col...

Um...

You forgot my name again,

didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

It's...

Don't say f***ing Colin.

F***! I don't give a sh*t

what your name is.

You're the f***ing help!

Nice try, Colin...

but Stan and I already sold it to...

It's Fredrick!

Fredrick!

Sorry, lady, but they only

paid me for one...

Come on!

Rayna! Go to the cockpit

and level us out!

Like I know how to fly

a f***ing airplane!

That was weird.

Blow that thing

all you want, lady.

Yeah? Why don't

you blow me, Colin.

It's Fredrick.

For f***'s sake!

I got it.

I know what to do.

Are you okay?

No!

I've got a dead man's

head up my ass.

This one's for Fine.

Downdraft!

Not again!

Do you have any idea

what you're f***ing doing?

The controls are so sensitive.

God.

One of these dead f***ers

just sh*t his pants.

Okay, wait a minute.

I got it.

I think I got... Okay.

Okay.

Good thing I learned to use

that flight simulator app?

Congratulations, Penny Morgan.

You just blew your cover.

Now put the plane

on autopilot and get up.

Any bullshit,

and I'll blow your CIA brains

all over that control panel.

I know what you're thinking.

And you're wrong.

My real name is...

Did you come up with your spy name yet?

No.

Mine would be...

Amber Valentine.

What are you, a porn star?

You're f***ing hilarious?

I'm a private bodyguard,

and your father hired me

to protect you.

Bodyguard? You? Please.

That's funny, because the way I see it,

without me...

you would currently be crashed

in the Alps right now.

Or you'd be laying in a morgue

with a hole burned

in your throat.

You little spoiled

piece of sh*t.

Why would my father hire

somebody like you?

Because he trusted me.

And for whatever f***ing reason,

he loved you.

Didn't even want you to know

I was watching you.

So he was the one

that made me come up

with this whole loser

Penny Morgan bullshit.

Yeah, "You look

just like my dead mama.

"Wah."

And f*** you for saying

I look anything

like that f***ing beast.

No wonder your father

never had the son he wanted.

You f*** that monster once...

and you just drop

the f***ing mic and walk out.

F*** you. Everything

you've said is a lie.

What happened? Did I hit

a little sore spot?

Yeah, he always wanted a son,

and you knew it.

Look, he wanted you

to take over the business.

He was just afraid you were

gonna get yourself killed.

So if you wanna live,

and you wanna unload that bomb...

you stick with me.

And if you got

a problem with that...

you know what you can do, Rayna?

You and your bullshit accent

can land this f***ing plane

by yourselves.

Okay, bodyguard.

But if I find out you're lying

to me about any of this...

I'll show you ways to die

you never even dreamed of.

Now, let's go to Budapest.

I need a f***ing drink.

Yeah, I bet you f***ing do.

My God.

People want my power

And they want my station

Stormed my winter palace

But they couldn't take it

Try to pull my status

But they couldn't fake it

Welcome back to the Four Seasons Budapest,

Miss Boyanov.

Don't talk to me.

You're not my friend.

Get away from me.

Move. Move! I got it.

So, what's the plan?

Who are we meeting?

you're my bodyguard,

not my business partner...

so just focus

on guarding my body.

So not knowing

who we're meeting tonight

is gonna make me

extra effective.

That's okay. I get it.

I got sh*t to do.

You'll probably be fine.

Why don't I go get you

a nice dress to be buried in?

Dumbass.

I'm meeting a potential bidder,

if you must know.

If they don't top

the current offer,

the sale will happen tomorrow.

Where?

I don't know yet.

Anton!

Ouch!

Anton is part of my security team,

psycho!

Yeah, well, guess what?

I don't like his face.

I don't like the looks

of your face!

And who the f*** are you?

I'm the person that's gonna

cut your dick off

and glue it to your forehead...

so you look like

a limp-dick unicorn.

That's who the f*** I am.

Your name should be

"Mr. Bag o' D*cks"...

not "Anton."

Okay. Jesus.

Let's just calm down, okay?

Does he not look like a bag o' d*cks?

Enough.

I can see why my father

liked you now.

Amber is my hired bodyguard.

Be more like her.

And your head better not have

broken my f***ing phone.

We've got a big night

ahead of us.

Don't be afraid

to clean yourself up, Amber.

Take a shower

is what I'm saying.

Yeah? Don't be afraid

to hit water yourself.

You smell like a dead hooker

that washed up on the beach...

then roasted in the sun

for a week

before anybody found her body.

Okay. You need

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