Spy Page #9

---

to take it way down.

I'm sorry, that's too much.

Okay, that was too much.

Jeez!

Too much.

God.

What are you staring at?

I will destroy you.

And then after

I'm done destroying you,

I'll take a picture

of what's left...

of your body,

and I'm gonna text it to your mother.

With a little note that says

his last words were...

"My mother was terrible.

You did this to me."

That's so f***ing mean.

Yeah, I'm so f***ing mean.

You're just figuring that out?

Give me your coat.

This is a man's coat.

Yeah, but I don't

see a man, do I?

I see a reject from

The Sound of Music.

It was my mother's coat,

but she's very masculine.

You look like ABBA took a sh*t

and put a trench coat on it.

Well, I won't give it to you.

I've been in this dress

for 12 f***ing hours.

Give me your coat.

No.

Yeah.

No, I won't give... This is my coat.

I'm gonna reach through

your f***ing body...

and rip out your back

like a f***ing werewolf.

Without tearing the jacket.

Just so I can wear your jacket,

and give you a final

"F*** you."

No, you won't.

I'm gonna take

that f***ing coat.

I warned you, you Swedish

gummy fish motherf***er!

Ouch!

My God.

My God.

Nance?

My God, Susan!

Hello. Hello?

Just say something

to me, please.

Susan? Anything.

I cannot handle this, Susan!

There is nothing in real life

that someone could

do to a spy...

that is filthier

or more upsetting

than what my brain

will cook up right now.

So save me from myself, Susan!

Because you know

what's going to happen.

I'm gonna get chattier,

aren't I?

Did you know that you can't

ever change having big pores?

My God, Nancy,

you are driving me nuts!

I couldn't talk because I was in

an elevator filled with people.

You're all right.

Thank God.

You disappeared for 12 hours.

We didn't know what happened!

I had to take out my earpiece

and my camera.

Rayna's on to our agents

and she was gonna

spot my equipment

from a mile away.

You're with Rayna?

You're not supposed to be

within a mile away of her.

Nancy, I know, but I'm in deep

and I'm getting such good intel.

Please, I just need to remain

on radio silence

just a little bit longer.

Well, don't worry,

because I'll be able

to keep a better eye on you now.

What are you

talking about? How?

What are you doing here?

Elaine wanted to know exactly

what you were up to...

so I tracked your earpiece.

They sent me here to find you.

They sent you?

I'm as unknown as you are,

so they thought

my cover was safe.

Did they give you an identity?

It's so cool.

I said I wanted to be Amber Valentine...

What?

...and they let me use it.

I don't know why you got

to pick your identity.

I had to go

as a freaking cat lady.

- Amber!

- Yes?

Who is this?

I'm sorry. I didn't know

the police were here.

This is my colleague, detective.

The one I f***ing

told you about.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did, Helen Keller!

You're both named Amber?

What did I tell you

about talking to me?

Nothing. You just said

nothing about talking.

You want me to have Cagney

and f***ing Lacey

explain it to you?

Cagney's coming down

your f***ing throat.

Lacey, she's gonna

come up your ass.

I'm gonna meet them

in the f***ing middle...

and play your heart

like a f***ing accordion.

I'm gonna pump

that sh*t until it pops.

You Swedish b*tch.

You wouldn't dare.

You gonna cry, you little

Swiss f***ing p*ssy?

I'm not gonna cry.

You're crying now!

I'm not!

It's so f***ing hot!

You know, just,

let's leave Anton alone for now.

Please.

What's your name?

Susan Cooper.

What?

Sorry, it came out.

What did I...

She's not supposed to

f***ing say her real name.

She's one of my best. She's

highly f***ing skilled.

Very skilled.

At what? Getting things

out of a high cupboard?

Don't do that.

That's very good!

Because I'm tall.

Weirdly, I'm not very good

at reaching high things.

A doctor once said to me I have

the muscle capacity of an infant.

My arms are like two noodles.

Susan, get Rayna to safety, now!

I've got her.

Go!

Get away!

My God!

Who puts a roof on a scooter?

What are you, the Pope?

Ooh!

Get out of the way!

My God!

This guy is driving crazy!

I can't keep up with him!

Wait a minute.

I got it.

All right, little detour.

God.

Let's do this!

I am so badass!

I got it.

I know what you're saying.

You're no prize yourself!

Get back to work!

Where are we going?

Smells like cheese under here!

Apologies.

I may be sweating...

cheese because I had

quite a hearty lasagna.

F***ing ridiculous clown show!

This fuckery stops now.

Excuse me, do you know

if there's a Popeyes Chicken

around here?

What?

I saw a KFC down the way,

but I'm more of a Popeyes guy.

The food is really weird...

My God, I'll ask someone else!

Okay, enough!

Drop your weapon!

My God. Karen.

Why aren't you in Capri?

I'm so sorry I shot you.

You must not have known

it was me, either.

I changed my hair.

Yeah.

Looks really good.

Are those extensions?

No, it's just my hair.

You know, a few clips.

Colored.

Okay, if you say so.

I'm sorry. And I'm sorry

about this, too.

My God.

No, no, no!

Susan! My thighs

are on fire!

I don't care!

Where is Rayna?

I don't know.

She slipped off me.

I was very sweaty.

I thought I asked you

to watch her.

I don't know how she ran so fast,

particularly with that hair.

It must weigh

20 pounds at least.

Maybe she's a witch.

Do you think she put a spell on me?

Karen Walker is dead.

What?

She's a double agent!

Somebody shot her

right in front of me.

I don't know who did it.

I don't know how deep

this whole thing goes.

My God.

Get your motherfucking

asses up here!

Now!

But what if she heard?

She didn't hear.

But what if she did hear?

We weren't even

talking that loud.

A woman like that

has super ears.

Okay, she does not

have super ears...

and I'm only bringing this up

because you asked me to...

but you are putting a very

negative spin on this situation.

Wow. We're going with that now,

are we, Amber Valentine?

Susan Cooper, really?

Susan Cooper?

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. We got this.

My legs won't seem to move.

Okay, Nancy,

I realize that you are scared,

but you are in this now...

and I really, really

need you to hold it together.

Holding it together.

I shall now be the most held-together

person you have ever met.

Okay. Let's go.

Dear.

Be prepared for anything.

She's erratic.

It's impossible to tell

what she's thinking.

Probably because she's

thinking in Bulgarian.

What are you doing?

I'm just tying up my shoelaces.

You're wearing a loafer.

Get over here.

Get in!

Sh*t! People are trying

to kill me

and all that's left

of my f***ing security team

is you two defending me...

and you look like somebody's

demented aunts on vacation!

Do you have anyone

on your team...

other than this

asthmatic Big Bird?

Yeah, we usually just use her

for non-physical

security resources.

I'm very non-physically

resourceful.

I do a lot of reading.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes