Spy Hard Page #3

when she was alive.

We don't have time

for flashbacks.

Rancor wants the world.

Fortunately, he wants to kill you first.

That may give us needed time. Barbara Dahl's

last transmission was from Los Angeles.

We couldn't hold the trace

long enough to pinpoint her.

Find her, you find him,

you find the rocket.

For the rest of it,

your guess is as good as mine.

- Miss Cheevus, tell Noggin we're coming.

- Hello, Noggin.

- Steele.

Good to see you again. Do you have

a refill of that deathray laser watch?

- Ah, a new air freshener?

- Careful!

- Ah, a new air freshener?

- Careful!

Whoo-hoo

Oooh

Not again. Oh!

Give me!

Well, this looks like

a clever contraption.

A mini--

A mini mobile crime lab?

- It's a briefcase.

- I know. What does it do?

It holds important papers,

files, pens and a calculator.

I understand. But these numbers here,

are they in a certain sequence?

The briefcase

is timed to explode?

No, it's a lock so people other

than myself can't open my briefcase.

Very complex

contemporary technology.

All right, Steele, this is your standard,

state-of-the- art field kit with three additions.

This is our latest development:

microchip Z-ray lenses,

capable of penetrating

a layer of clothing.

You'll be able to see if

an enemy is carrying a weapon.

Oh. Director?

Oh, now, Steele...

should you find your hands bound,

what you can do is just reach down

and pull this pin with your teeth.

Put the tube in your mouth, and squeeze

and it will emit a laser beam...

powerful enough to cut steel.

Fire in the hole, Director.

- Huh? Oh.

- Thank you.

Oh, and one more thing.

This micro-detonator

has a built- in timer...

set to explode 30 seconds

after you plant it.

It has enough power

to blow up a two-story building,

- so be careful.

- Fantastic.

All right.

Well, here we go and, uh--

- Oh, the glasses.

- Yeah. Thank you.

Good to see you again, Noggin.

Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

Ciudad de los angeles.

City of the angels.

?Dnde esta Maria?

Where is Maria?

Maria esta en la biblioteca.

Maria is in the library.

- Do you have a lighter?

- I use matches.

Does your mother know you smoke?

Does your mother know you smoke?

Y es, but I don't inhale.

- Kabul.

- Uh...

I'm Kabul.

Agent WD-40?

Get in, get in.

In the car.

Hello. Excuse me. Ha!

Our operatives believe

you may already be in grave danger.

Please take a look at this,

Mr. Steele.

In that file is a photo

of Desiree More.

She's an expert trained in karate, kung

fu and is a crack shot. Be on your guard.

Rancor may have sent her

to take you out.

She likes easy-listening

and guys who share their feelings.

Her measurements: 36-24-36-22.

Aye, and for God sakes,

be careful, WD-40.

One time I got two cousins that got

salmonella poisoning in this hotel.

Ah, sure looked like her.

But you can't be too sure.

Y eah, almost positive.

Mm-hmm.

Drink?

- Only when I'm thirsty.

- Tap water okay?

Poured, not decantered.

Sometimes you see a woman you'd...

just love to have kill ya.

But timing is everything,

so that was not going to be today.

Says who?

She's pretty smart.

I decided to play it casual.

Casual is overrated.

Oops.

I think the game is over,

Mr. Steele.

You're gonna look like Swiss cheese

when they find you.

Oh. That's no Gouda.

"Coca Cabana."

- I'll be back for you.

- Where are you going?

In my country we have a saying:

"A man who rides a camel is rich,

but a man who drives a Ferrari

can get lucky.

- Oh, gee, I am so sorry.

- What's your phone number?

- Loser.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, like, look at what you've done.

End of the line, pal.

Uh...

Hey, goombah!

Huh?

Well, well, if it isn't Agent Steele.

Excuse me.

Uh, do you have a light?

Y eah, sure.

I got a light.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Very good.

Well, remind me never

to light your cigarette.

You don't lose guys

like that for long.

Let's get the bus.

We'll be safe there.

- Transfer? Uh, no, thank you.

Mmm, nice dress.

Next stop:

Sunset Boulevard.

I guess it's Sunset Boulevard.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Someone on the bus

without a transfer.

He won't pay the fare.

What do you do? What do you do?

Stop the bus

and let him off?

Negatory, honcho,

because he cut the brake line.

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

That was nice. Nicely done.

That was nice. Nicely done.

Thank you. Thank you.

Next stop:
Melrose. I think.

Well, you must be "fameeshed."

Let's mangez.

That sounds good,

but I'm hungry.

Let's eat first.

- Here you go.

You both enjoy yourselves.

- Brian will be right here

to take your drink order.

We shared an airplane, a drink.

We've been chased,

bussed, seated, but...

I still don't really know you.

I'm Bud Fudlacker.

I have a small mail- order business.

I travel with

the American Gladiators,

I'm 55, I like small appliances...

and I do tax accounting

on the side.

Let me guess.

You are Dick Steele,

Agent WD-40

with the Secret Service.

You are 52,

you like big screen TVs...

and you want to stop

General Rancor.

That could describe

a thousand guys.

Tell me about you.

I like loose-fitting clothes,

and I drive a '69 Pinto.

[ Chuckles ] Hi, I'm Brian.

May I take your drink orders, please?

- I'll have--

- A dry Minoli and Russo on the rocks.

Stirred, not beaten.

With a twist.

In a chilled glass, not frozen.

With two of those

curly little straws.

Be right back.

Tell me, who are you?

Why don't you use your...

Iegendary skills, and guess?

You carry a UB-21 Schnauzer

with a Gnab silencer. That's K.G.B.

You prefer an H&K over an A.K.

Your surveillance technique is N.S.A.

Your I.D. is C.I.A.

You received your Ph.D. at NYU.

Traded in your G.T.O. for a B.M.W.

You listen to CDs by R.E.M. and S.T.P.

And you'd like to see J.F.K.

in his B.V.D.s, getting down with O.P.P.

And you probably put the toilet paper back

on the roll with the paper on the inside.

Hmm.

Here's to your remarkable

powers of observation, Mr. Steele.

I am Agent 3.14,

Veronique Ukrinsky.

My father is the professor.

Oh, yes, I know.

The megachip.

When he found out he was making the chip

for Rancor, and not for the U.S.,

he escaped with it,

and he is in hiding.

In hiding?

Where?

He would not take the chance

in telling me where he was headed,

but he said,

"The pendant--

Follow the path

of your pendant to find me."

Hmm... haven't seen

too many like these.

- Pendant.

- Pendant.

- Pendant.

- Pendant.

- Pendant.

- We don't have much time, WD-40.

Sooner or later,

Rancor will find him.

- I'll order our food to go.

- Oh, Dick, I am so worried about my father.

What shall we do, huh?

What shall we do?

It was a teenage wedding

and the old folks wished them well

You could see that Pierre

did truly love the mademoiselle

And now the young monsieur

and madame have rung the chapel bell

"C'est la vie"

said the old folks

It goes to show

you never can tell

Excuse me. Do you have reser.

- Steele's here somewhere.

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