Spy Hard Page #4

Rancor wants him dead.

Find him.

- Dance time is over.

Cigarettes? Cigars?

- There he goes. Kill him!

- Throwing knife?

Cigarettes? Cigars?

Throwing knife?

Thanks.

Cigarettes?

Cigars?

- Whoops.

Why?

Quick. Get this

up against the door.

I got an idea.

This is a picture

of my father.

If we get separated,

find him, save him.

Why?

- Go! Go, go, go!

- Oh, shut up!

- Ow! I came here to dance!

- Ow! Dick, help me!

- I'll kill you!

- Get in this--

- No, let me go!

- Okay, let's go!

- Dick, help me!

Follow the path

of your pendant to find me."

- What is that?

- It's her pendant.

"Follow the path

of the pendant to find me."

Have you ever seen

anything like that?

- Ah!

- What? What?

No.

Any idea where it came from?

- Museum of Natural History.

- How do you know that?

It says it really small

right there at the bottom.

All right. Take me

to the Museum of Natural History.

- You know, in my country we do

have a saying-- - I'm sure you do.

- You know, in my country we do

have a saying-- - I'm sure you do.

The saying goes:
"The museum is closed at

5:
:00. You go the next morning at 9::00."

Excuse me, Mr. Pushy!

Son of a b*tch.

I'm getting sick and tired

of your--

Mm-hmm.

No, he'd never fit in there.

Ah. Sir-

I'm sick and tired

of these games.

This is stupid. Stupid. We're

a government agency, for God sakes.

Huh?

Aha!

Good God!

You're sicker than I thought!

What is it, Coleman?

I'm busy!

- I, uh, can see that.

- You wouldn't understand.

It's the ancient art

of origatsi.

What I don't understand is your insistence

in keeping Steele on this assignment!

He still is

no closer to Rancor,

and we have who knows how little time

left before Rancor launches this satellite.

You better let me take over

this search before I--

Before you what, Coleman?

I don't know whose monkey

you spanked to get this job,

but as far as I'm concerned,

you're a disgrace to the Service.

How dare you!

You and your one-for-all-and-all-for-one

bleeding heart nonsense!

You're too old

to run this agency!

And since you won't step down,

you'll, uh, be stepped on!

- Ha! Loser!

- What you got?

- Is there a jewelery district in Los Angeles?

Come on, this is Hollywood. We have jewelery.

We have women who are willing to sleep--

- More important, is there a Russian jewelery section?

- Da.

- Where?

- I don't know.

There used to be a bunch of Russian

jewelers hung out at the warehouse at, uh...

at 31st and Phlegm.

- Ah, damn it!

Meet me back at the hotel.

We'll split up.

- After you.

- Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Get off!

Whoa! Whoa! Wh-Whoa!

Watch it! Watch it!

- Whoa.

- Cheerio.

You're mine, Steele!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Huh?

Okay, bring it up!

Bring it up! Up, up, up!

Okay, that's where

the sign goes!

Ah, 31st and Phlegm.

I'm on the waiting list

for a co-op.

You better get outta here.

I'll see you back in half an hour.

Oh, half hour?

I can drop off my dog at the groomer.

- Wha--

- Mr. Steele, I presume?

- Professor--

- Ukrinsky. With a "Y.'"

Ah. Right.

The pendant.

And I suppose...

this is what you need.

- And this is?

- This is the controller chip for Rancor's satellite.

Ah, Rancor finally

made his megachip.

Who'd have thought the fate

of so many human lives...

would rely on something so small?

Well, there's only one thing

to do with this.

No! No! What are you doing?

- Trying to make the world safe from tyranny.

- You mustn't do that!

This can also be used

for world peace!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You'd better let me get that into

the proper hands and get you to safety.

- You found me through my daughter, the pendant.

- Right.

- Veronique is safe?

- Yeah, the van they took her in has dual air bags and seat belts.

- Kabul.

- Nice new wheels, huh?

Yeah, quite an improvement.

In the back, Professor.

We have to find a safe place

for the professor.

In my country,

we have saying:

"The rabbit hops, the spider crawls,

but the camel spits".

Let's see

if this Charger can run.

Now I don't want you

to be surprised.

This guy's one of our top agents.

He's most capable.

- McCluckey!

- Kabul!

- Come on in.

- All right. Come on.

McCluckey, we need

to hide the professor.

- Professor Ukrinsky, it's an honor.

- How do you do?

I've read all your work and your

last paper on laboratory loneliness.

- Superb!

- Well, thank you.

- McCluckey, I'd like you to

meet Agent-- - Dick Steele.

Agent WD-40.

Good to see you back in action.

Your video on deception,

Is It A Woman? Is The Moustache Real?

Beautiful work!

- Thank you.

- McCluckey, we need to hide this guy.

Sure, sure. Come this way.

He'll be safe here.

Do you have a telephone?

Right over there.

- Is it clean?

- I have a woman that comes in once a week.

- Sir?

- What?

I have Dick "Luscious Lips"

Steele on the line.

Put him through.

Director, is it safe?

Safe? Just

a minute. I'll use the cloaking device.

Go ahead, Dick.

It's safe.

I have the chip

Rancor needs to launch his satellite.

Good, Dick, good. Are you coming in?

No, Rancor kidnapped

the professor's daughter.

I've got to find her.

- Yes, well... good, Dick.

Good luck.

Call me if I can help.

- Nineteen hours and 35 minutes.

- That Steele's gonna be sorry...

his mama ever met his papa.

- We gonna heat up the fire! Boys!

They always seem to know

every move we make.

It's inside.

It's got to be somebody inside leaking.

Well, I'm not leaking.

I can prove it.

- You go ahead, ask me something.

- What?

Ask me something.

Ask me who's the director of our agency.

- Who is the director of our agency?

- I don't know.

You see, I know who it is, you see?

But I'm not going to tell you,

you see, because I am no leak.

This place has got to be

a front for Rancor and his men.

- There's one of them now. Follow him.

Do you have

to keep revving the engine?

Ah, but it's an American V-8.

It's such a beautiful sound.

- Oh, Steele, listen to this.

- My cousin's a recording star.

- Duck! Ow!

- Did he see us?

- Shh. Okay.

- I'm going in there.

- Okay.

- Give me cover.

- I got to buy my lottery ticket.

- Rancor's guy is here.

- Right.

That saved a wretch

Like me

I once was lost

But now am found

Was blind--

- What are you doing here?

- I am... the new choirmaster.

- Where did you come from?

- The humble room. I was doing refractories.

- "Refractories"?

- A new popal revelate.

Uh, John, chapter 7, verse 2.

"Popal"?

Uh, sisters.

Michael, chapter 7, verse 2.

"Sing as ye play.

Yea, unto thee

a voice like a blenth."

And as you approach

the allo tropo, please,

tres mucho picante abierto.

- You know you make me want to shout

Kick my heels up and shout

Throw my hands up and shout

Throw my head back and shout

Come on now

Don't forget

to say you will

- Are you gentlemen with Rancor?

- Steele's here somewhere.

- Sing it right now baby

- Well, find him!

- Say you will

- Come on, come on

- Say you will

- Say that you will

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