Stardust Memories Page #7

Yeah. She had a perfect personality.

She was completely

self-conscious out of bed,

and when you got her in bed she

was completely unselfconscious.

I mean, it's a perfect balance.

Yeah. Yeah, she could be

very fine and funny and bright

and wonderful two days a month.

- The other 28, she was lost.

- But what a two days, let me tell you.

When she was on, she was

a 10. She was dynamite.

Do you remember when we

went to that place with the pipes?

- That was her photography period.

- That was hilarious.

I remember you bought her a camera.

Well, she kept hinting. That's

all she hinted was for a camera.

And graphics. That's all she talked about.

- Yeah, she was obsessed.

- Well, you like to pose for pictures.

Oh, you were in all your hammy glory.

I wanted to go hear jazz, and you

guys wanted to go home and rehearse.

We had to rehearse. We're artists.

We had work to do that night.

I can imagine.

Hey, Sandy. Jerry Abraham.

Remember me? We grew up together.

Of course. You asked me this the other day.

Of course, I remember you.

Why should I forget you?

Well, you know, people grow up, they

become big hotshots, they forget.

- We played stickball together, right?

- Yeah. We went to Hebrew school, too.

Yeah. So what are you

doing? What are you up to?

You know what I do now? I drive a cab.

Well, you look good. There's

nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, but look at me compared to you.

- I mean, all those beautiful broads.

- Jesus.

- You know, that's great.

- What do you want me to say?

I was the kid in the neighborhood

that told the jokes, right?

So we live in a society that puts

a big value on jokes, you know?

Think of it this way.

If I had been an Apache Indian, those

guys didn't need comedians at all, right?

- So?

- So I'd be out of work.

Oh, come on.

That doesn't help me feel better, you know.

I don't know what to say.

I got such a headache.

You know, it's luck. It's

all luck. I was lucky.

I'm the first to admit I was a lucky bum.

If I was not born in Brooklyn, if

I had been born in Poland or Berlin,

- I'd be a lampshade today, right?

- Right.

It could happen just like that.

So, you know, be thankful

that you're not Nat Bernstein.

- Nat Bernstein?

- Yeah, wasted away.

Incurable disease.

- It was absolutely terrible.

- Oh, wow.

Well, yes, of course, Harvey.

No, I understand that. Of course.

The point is it's immoral for

them to touch the end of my film.

Jesus. Well, I don't know what to say.

So then well sue them.

Can you call me back later this

afternoon at the hotel and find out?

Well, yes, I'll be... Later this afternoon.

Okay, okay.

No, the thing is,

I'm kind of crazy right now.

I guess I just don't seem to

be able to sleep, you know?

I have to do some practicing on the violin

cause I got to go back to the

philharmonic in a couple of weeks.

But, you know...

Last night I had a migraine,

and so I took some Darvon,

and that made me so nervous that I

took 40 milligrams of Valium, you know.

And then I still couldnt

sleep. I was up all night.

Yeah, well...

Well, I got a message on my

service that Sarah called.

Yeah, I know. I havent talked

to her in about a year, you know.

And I got upset. I started eating.

I ate a pound of cookies last night.

Yeah, I'm really fat. Really fat.

Jack was so sweet about it.

No, he doesn't know about

my relationship with her.

I mean, he knows that we lived together

in Israel but he doesn't know the...

He was so affectionate last night in bed.

You know, he wanted...

I told him I had herpes.

Yeah. No, take the call. I'll hold on.

No, I'll hold on a second.

I don't like the idea of

your kids riding on the train alone.

- They will be okay, I'm sure.

- Who knows what goes on in those things.

You know, there's a lot

of weird people out there.

A lot of perverts and crazies. Theyre

liable to get molested or robbed.

Not my children. Maybe the other way around.

If I knew exactly when theyre coming,

my chauffeur could have picked them up.

He could have broken

out of jail and got them.

- Are you Sandy Bates?

- No.

- The kidsll probably be starved.

- Yes, you are.

No, no, no.

My mother buys meat in the same

butcher shop your mother does.

- Oh, great.

- Can I have your autograph?

Oh, jeez!

Could you just write, To Phyllis Weinstein,

you unfaithful, lying b*tch?

Okay, okay.

We can sit by the window. It'll be nice.

Okay. Well sit by the

window and have a nice time.

Don't attract attention. Don't

attract too much attention.

Okay, okay.

Uncle Sandy... Can I put you down first?

Heavy kid! Jeez, she's really heavy.

Uncle Sandy...

Okay, okay.

We don't want to attract too much attention.

Blonde kids.

- Thank you.

- Happy birthday, boy.

You didn't have to do that.

Wow.

- What are you thinking about?

- I'm knocked out by this.

You know, you really didn't have to do this.

- I never forget a birthday.

- This is so great.

But how did you know it's

exactly what I wanted?

You always wanted to learn.

Yeah. I wanted... Will this

play the Mozart Flute Concerto?

You have to do that.

Oh, I have to do it? You mean it doesn't...

Oh, Dorrie, this is a big day for me here.

The Way of Zen. What are

you trying to tell me?

That I'm not at peace, right? I

think I need more than a Zen book.

I need either a good rabbi analyst

or interplanetary genius to...

What is that?

Oh, Dorrie, what...

Unbelievable. How did you get that?

I thought the museum was gonna buy it.

- Yeah, well, I knew you loved it.

- This must have cost you a fortune.

How could you do that? It's so extravagant.

That's... Gee, I...

You got nothing else for

me? I mean, just three?

When I was a kid, the thing that

I always wanted was an elephant.

You know, and I could never

convince my mother to get one for me.

- I would have got you an elephant.

- Yeah, but where were you?

- Hey, look who it is.

- Hey, hi.

- Hi, you guys.

- Hi, Sandy.

- Hey, there's the kids.

- This is Isobel. And this is Daisy and Jack.

We were just at the train

station. Her kids just came in.

- Great-looking kids. -

Yeah. Theyre wonderful.

We're gonna get them some ice cream.

What have you guys been doing?

- We were walking around town.

- Yeah, it's dead, isntt it?

Did you know The Bicycle

Thief is playing in town?

- Really? That would be a great...

- I've never seen it.

- You've never seen The Bicycle Thief?

- It's a movie Ivvve seen five times.

Oh, we should see it. Do you

wanna see The Bicycle Thief?

No, no thanks. I have

to get the children home.

Oh, but she's never seen it.

Why don't you guys go see The Bicycle Thief?

I'll go home and read my Agatha Christie.

I would love to see it. I've

seen it, but I would love to.

I can take you back in the

car if you don't wanna go.

It's a great film. I mean, it's great.

But, you know... But you

got to look at it in context.

- I mean it's about survival in postwar Italy.

- I was looking at it in context.

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