Stardust Memories Page #9

- Well, thanks very much.

- You have such a degenerate mind.

- Oh, thank you.

Listen, theyre in all different sizes

and they're in all different shapes.

- You mean you actually see them?

- Every night.

Is this your girlfriend?

- She's just a friend.

- Are you both into Martians?

I know you don't like to do

this, but can I kiss you?

Hey, you know, you should make

a film about flying saucers.

Yeah, you only make films about

people with personality disorders.

- Sandy.

- Yeah.

I can prove that if there's life

anywhere else in the universe,

they will have a Marxist economy.

- Mr. Bates? Excuse me.

- Yes. Yes.

I'm an occult nutritionist.

I was wondering...

Mr. Bates? Excuse me. What have

you got against intellectuals?

- Intellectuals? Nothing. Why?

- Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films.

- You really feel threatened by them.

- Threatened? You're kidding.

I've always said they're like the

Mafia. They only kill their own.

That's exactly the attitude

I was talking about.

You believe in magic. I know,

I've read all your interviews.

No, no, I do... I used to do magic

tricks when I was a kid, but no more.

So what are you guys here for?

To see flying saucers land?

Is that gonna happen tonight?

When they arrive, it's gonna be the

dawn of a whole new civilization.

Space creatures conspiring

with the Soviet government

already control our thoughts by

sending out electrical currents

from the top of the Empire State

Building, and I'm the only one that knows.

If you're alienated, can

you still have children?

Sure. Alienation only affects the mind.

It has nothing to do with

the rest of your body.

Sandy! Sandy, you know, this is

exactly like one of your satires.

It's like we're all characters in some film

being watched in Gods private screening room.

- So, I thought I saw a UFO once.

- Really?

Yeah. But I had taken a lot of

mescaline at the time, so I don't know.

Well, that will do it to you.

Yeah, I was down in Mexico. I

was with my English professor.

We were having an affair, he was married.

- It was a really terrible situation.

- You thought you saw a UFO?

Yeah, we both... We really thought we did.

Well, that's a delusion.

I didn't know you did magic tricks.

Yeah, when I was a kid. I

always practiced to be popular.

So, I used to...

- I'm getting drunk.

- So can you show me one?

- You wanna see one?

- Sure.

Our sons a genius.

He doesn't take after you,

that's for damn sure.

Well, he surely doesn't take

after your side of the family.

- Go to hell!

- Shut up!

If he's such a genius, how come

he can't make funny movies?

Sandy, well sue them if they

touch one frame of your film.

I promise you, you wont win.

By the way, Sandy, we got killed by the IRS.

They started looking at the back taxes.

Sandy, you're my brother.

You got to help me change my life.

I'm a mess.

And Sandy, don't forget lunch with the

editors of those high school newspapers.

And what about the Cancer

Foundation, and the leukemia victims,

and the political prisoners

all over the world?

What about the Jews, the

persecution in Europe, in Russia...

All those silly magic tricks you do

couldnt help your friend Nat Bernstein.

And what about Dorrie? You

know what that was like.

Do you remember the last time you saw her?

There's a doctor here that thinks

I'm beautiful and interesting.

There's a doctor here that thinks

I'm beautiful and interesting.

Are you seeing anyone?

You look thin.

There's a doctor here that's crazy about me.

Are you seeing any... There's... Peopless...

...be too close.

I used to swim a lot. I can't

feel anything. Yeah, me too.

I can't concentrate. There's no

point. Too much. Some fresh air.

I feel better.

You were always searching

for the perfect woman.

You wound up falling in love with me.

I can't be alone.

But I can't be too close.

It's not you, I just can't feel anything.

Are you going with anyone?

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you in love with anyone?

How do I look?

Wait a minute. Don't go.

Ivve got some questions.

We can't breathe your air.

Yeah, at the rate were going,

we're not gonna be able to, either.

You guys got to tell me, why is

there so much human suffering?

This is unanswerable.

- Is there a God?

- These are the wrong questions.

Look, here's my point. If nothing

lasts, why am I bothering to make films,

or do anything, for that matter?

We enjoy your films. Particularly

the early, funny ones.

But the human condition is so discouraging.

- There are some nice moments, too.

- Yeah, with Dorrie.

- That's right. And Isobel. Be honest.

- You prefer Isobel?

There's no comparison. She's a mature woman.

Mature woman? What are you, my rabbi?

Hey, look, I'm a super intelligent being.

By Earth standards, I have an IQ of 1600,

and I can't even understand what you expected

from that relationship with Dorrie.

- I loved her.

- Yeah, I know.

And two days a month she was the

most exciting woman in the world.

But the rest of the time

she was a basket case.

On the other hand, Isobel is

someone that you can count on.

But shouldnt I stop making movies

and do something that counts,

like helping blind people, or

becoming a missionary or something?

Let me tell you, you're

not the missionary type.

Youd never last.

And incidentally, you're also

not Superman. You're a comedian.

You wanna do mankind a real

service? Tell funnier jokes.

Yeah, but I've got to find meaning.

Wouldnt you know it, that

there would be hot air balloons?

- You didn't really expect saucers, did you?

- I did, yeah. I was hoping...

I had some very, very profound

questions that I wanted to ask.

You know, you look

incredibly beautiful to me.

Well, thanks.

We should go back to the

hotel, don't you think?

- No, I don't want to.

- Come on.

- We've been away for hours.

- No, no.

- Theyre gonna be worried about us.

- I never wanna go back to the hotel.

Never. I wanna...

What I wanna do is run away with you.

I'm serious. I wanna get in the

car and just give up everything.

- You're just a little drunk.

- No, no, no.

I just wanna give up everything,

and just... Well move in together.

I would be no fun to live with.

You would be nothing but fun. Youd be great.

I would be very bad trouble,

believe me. You don't know me.

- Why? What are your problems?

- I just... Men.

- I have terrible trouble with men.

- Why? Why?

It's just that whenever a

man gets close I get crazy.

- Well, you go with Jack.

- That's something else.

He's very sweet and he really cares about me.

And it's solid, you know. I need that.

As soon as I saw you in the lobby,

I thought that you would

be absolutely fun for me.

You have an incredible sixth sense

to pick me out of the whole crowd of people.

- I'm nothing but trouble.

- Nothing but... I can handle it.

There they are! What is going on here, Sandy?

- You know, we sent the police?

- This is disgraceful.

I thought something terrible had happened.

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