Step Brothers Page #2

That's funny that you say that,

because I can sing too.

In fact, I'll sing right now.

If you wanna get down

On these hairy balls

- Hey!

- Why don't you jump right in?

It's a crotch party right up in here

- Stop it!

- Why don't you lick on this big joint?

Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!

That's cute.

I remember when I had my first beer.

That's so funny,

the last time I heard that...

...I laughed so hard

I fell off my dinosaur.

Stop right now. All right?

Let's just back off.

All right. Brennan, it's okay.

It's okay.

Hey, hey.

- Great, Dale.

- He said a mean thing first.

All right, just...

Look, you know what...? Hey, guys.

Okay, sleeping arrangements.

It's gonna be different...

...but because Dale refuses

to give up his office drum set...

...that means that, Brennan, you and

Dale are gonna have to share a room.

- But it's just temporary.

- Mom, we didn't talk about this.

Well, it's gonna be

an exciting adventure.

You wanna show him the room, Dale?

Show him where he can put his stuff?

- That's nice, thank you.

- Good night, Nancy.

Hey, listen, I like to have

a lot of fresh fruit around...

...and chocolate chips

in my pancakes. Okay?

- Write it so you don't forget.

- Show him the room.

She's Mom now, so...

- Good night, Mom.

- Good night, Brennan.

- Good night, Mr. Doback.

- Good night, Brennan.

So just a few basic rules

about the house.

If there's any foods that you like...

...I suggest you put your name

on them, or they will be thrown out.

By me.

House was built in 1825

by General Custer.

I wanna show you this room.

Hold up.

- You see this room?

- Yeah.

Okay, here's the deal.

This is my office

and my beat laboratory.

Okay?

And this is the one rule of the house:

Don't ever, ever, ever...

...touch my drum set.

- You understand?

- Don't go in there and...

- No touching!

- All right!

There. I was at about six there.

You don't wanna see me go to 10.

Get your sh*t.

We're going to my room.

Honey?

I just found a chain of islands

that we can sail to after New Zealand.

That's wonderful.

You know,

I've been meaning to ask you...

Why is it that Dale never left?

Well, Dale has always

coasted off my accomplishments.

I mean, he left college

his junior year...

...because he said he wanted

to join the family business.

- But you're a medical doctor.

- Believe me, I've told him that.

But he just always says,

"It's all about who you know."

I don't know where

he got this sense of entitlement.

Maybe it was his mother passing.

What about Brennan?

From what you've told me...

...his younger brother Derek's

been quite successful.

Well, certainly when his father

and I split, that was difficult for him.

And this one time, when Brennan

was 17 and Derek was 14...

...and Brennan decided

to enter a talent show.

He sang a song

from an old pirate musical.

But Derek got his football buddies

to replace the choir and sing:

"Brennan has a mangina."

Brennan has a mangina

Brennan has a mangina

Finally, the audience and even some

of the nastier parents started singing:

"Brennan has a mangina."

And I have to admit, for a little while,

I sort of joined in as well.

From that day on,

Brennan never sang again.

Derek went on to win the contest

by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby."

- Oh, that's a great song.

- It is.

- Hey, you awake?

- Yeah.

I just want you to know I hate you.

So does my dad.

Well, that's fine.

Because guess what.

I hate you too.

And this house sucks ass.

Well, the only reason

you're living here...

...is because me and my dad decided

that your mom was really hot...

...and maybe we should just

both bang her.

And we'll put up with the retard

in the meantime.

- Who's the retard?

- You.

- Hey, y'all don't say that.

- Shut up.

You'll wake up my dad

and get me grounded.

Just shut up.

You and your mom are hillbillies.

- This is a house of learned doctors.

- You're not a doctor.

You're a big, fat, curly-headed f***.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- I'm a curly-headed f***?

- Yeah.

You better not go to sleep.

As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna

punch you square in the face.

I hope you stay still

when you sleep...

...because I'm putting a rat trap

between your legs.

I'm gonna take a pillowcase

and fill it full of bars of soap...

...and beat the sh*t out of you.

I want you out of my f***ing house.

No way, kemosabe.

This is my house now.

How do you like The Gilded Lady?

I wish we could retire right now.

Won't be long.

Oh, God! It's cold!

Hey! Is anyone listening? Help!

F*** you, Dale! F*** you!

- obviously you guys are hot.

You know?

Just revealed her cover.

I was like, "Wow, this is hot."

A little girl-on-girl.

A little heaven, a little hell.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Why you so sweaty?

- I was watching Cops.

Not supposed to have

your feet on the couch.

Hey, man.

Did you touch my drum set?

- Nope.

- It's just weird...

...because seems like someone

definitely touched my drum set.

Yeah, that is weird.

Because I didn't touch them.

- Hey! Did you touch my drum set?

- Hey, knock it off!

I know you touched my drumstick,

because the left one has a chip in it.

You f***ing crazy, man?

You sound insane, do you realize

that? You should be medicated.

F*** you, Brennan.

I know you touched my drum set.

I wanna hear that

dirty mouth admit it.

You get out of my face,

or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.

You swear on your mom's life

that you didn't touch it!

I don't swear to sh*t!

That's because you f***ing

touched my drum set...

...because I know

Cops doesn't start till 4.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going upstairs.

Because I'm gonna put my nut sack

on your drum set. Okay?

Don't you do that.

I am warning you right now:

If you touch my drums, I will

stab you in the neck with a knife!

If you even go in the room,

I will go ape-sh*t, you hear me?

Don't wanna miss a spot.

John Bonham's playing

"Moby Dick" for real!

I swear to God. I swear to God! No!

I warned you.

There's one rule in the house,

and you broke it!

I didn't touch your damn drum set!

I'm pre-diabetic!

You f***ing f***er! I'm gonna

rub my balls on your mom's face!

Come back here!

I'll kill you! You son of a b*tch!

Your drum set's a whore!

I teabagged your f***ing drum set!

Well, my drum set's a guy,

so that makes you gay, you f***er!

I'll kill you!

I think it's gonna go

generic soon, okay?

- Line three.

- Oh, thanks, Miles.

Yeah.

Jules? Wait, what's wrong?

- Back!

- You touched my drum set, you f***er!

Stop it! Stop it!

- Rape! Rape! Rape!

- Stop it! Stop! Stop.

- Stay out of this, Nancy!

- Stop it, you guys.

- Oh, my God, you're hurting him!

- No, Nancy!

Cinnamon! Stop it!

My mom is being eaten by a dog,

there's nothing I can do!

- No, a story has a...

- Excuse me.

Dr. Doback, the phone's for you.

I think it's urgent.

Hello?

Robert, they're like animals!

I can't stop them!

Stop screaming. Please.

I'm on my way.

There seems to be some

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