Step Brothers Page #3

savage fight going on...

...between my son and stepson,

so l...

Family issues, huh?

I don't believe in talking about

people's personal lives...

...behind their back.

You know nobody likes you, right?

Rape! Rape! Rape!

What's going on?

Robert! They won't... They won't...

- Stop it! Stop it!

- Dale, what...?

- Stay out of it, Dad!

- Stop it!

What the f***ing f***?

Someone got some air. Snap.

- I still hate you.

- Still hate you.

Such power. It's raw power.

What are you doing?

It's Shark Week.

Okay, here's the deal:

Number one, you will fix

the f***ing drywall now.

Number two, you have one month to

find jobs or you're out on your asses.

I will arrange interviews for Monday,

and you will go!

Dad, why are you talking

to me like this? I'm your son.

I'm not buying that crap anymore.

Today I saw my own son

use a bicycle as a weapon.

You yelled "rape"

at the top of your lungs.

Mom, I honestly thought

I was gonna be raped for a second.

He had the craziest look in his eyes.

And at one point he said,

"Let's get it on."

That was about the fighting.

I'm so not a raper.

I didn't touch your drum set, okay?

I witnessed with my eyes

your testicles touching my drum set.

All right, that's it! That's it!

You two guys leave me no choice.

No television for a week.

- What?!

- What?!

- We are so serious, guys.

- You're f***ing high!

Are you out of your mind?

This goes in Robert's wall safe

and it's gonna stay there.

- No!

- Okay.

- This house is a f***ing prison!

- On planet Bullshit!

In the galaxy of

This Sucks Camel D*cks!

Hi! Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol.

- Hey.

- You can't catch me.

I gotcha.

I gotcha.

Aunt Carol's on fire!

I don't know where you learned it.

- Well, there's lots more where that...

- My God.

- Oh, no. What happened?

- What the...?

Oh, my God.

Maybe Dale left the back door open

and raccoons got in.

Nancy? Is this your purse

in the freezer?

Yes. It's Brennan.

He sleepwalks and he always

puts my purse in the freezer.

Dale sleepwalks too.

- Are you kidding me?

- I'm not. Look in the oven.

- What's in the...? Couch pillows?

- Couch pillows.

Yeah, Dale.

Come on.

- It's okay.

- It's really hard.

It's gonna be fine.

They're gonna get jobs,

they'll be gone in a month. A month.

Guys.

- Guys. Guys!

- I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

The clown has no penis.

What kind of dreams

are you guys having?

Hey, it's 12:
30.

Brennan, your brother's

coming today, so get up.

- Today?

- Yep.

- Sh*t.

- What's your problem?

My little brother's even

a bigger a**hole than you are.

All right, let's really nail it this time.

Here we go.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.

I'm counting on you. Come on.

Nice vibrato, buddy.

All right, all right, Alice, let's go.

Flat. It's so flat.

I can't even... You don't even

look good while you're singing.

The worst thing I've ever heard.

This is $ 1200 a week for

voice lessons, and this is what I get?

Okay, I'm gonna save it

with this solo.

I'm Derek

And I can sing high like this

And I can sing high

Jesus!

We were so sad you guys

couldn't come to the wedding.

- But we completely understand.

- Yeah.

You were busy fishing

with Mark Cuban.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, not just the Cubes...

...but we had Chris Daughtry,

Jeff Probst, super-chef Bobby Flay.

It was insane.

I mean, it was almost too much.

My God, that's impressive.

Yeah, we were down in the Gulf,

fishing bonito.

Robert, have you ever been down

to the Gulf on the bonito run?

Always wanted to.

I hear it's amazing.

- It is. It's gorgeous.

- Are bonito fish big?

What?

Don't interrupt

when he's telling a story.

- It's fine, Robert.

- I was asking about the story.

- What's this guy's deal?

- I don't know, son. It's okay.

Well, Dale, they are

what's called a trophy fish.

So, yeah, they're pretty big.

I'm sorry.

Anyway...

Oh, God, I'm sorry,

I forget where my story was going.

Damn it, Dale.

- No...

- Robert.

- What?

- What? I asked him.

No, he can join in, Robert.

It's really okay.

Well, I asked him twice

not to interrupt.

Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining

the story. And possibly the evening.

It's totally fine.

I have a lot more stories.

- Derek, that you do. That you do.

- Yeah.

- Guilty as charged with the stories.

- Oh, God, you're impressive.

Come on. I love talking to you.

From across the room,

I feel like we have a thing.

You and me, man. You're my

new stepdad. You're unbelievable.

- I never heard that laugh before.

- Dad, why are you acting so weird?

Oh, hey, by the way, guys,

where's my bro, Brennan?

You're right about your brother.

Total dick.

Told you.

You know what? I still hate you...

...but you got a pretty awesome

collection of nudie mags.

Yeah, I got them

from the '70s, '80s and '90s.

It's like masturbating

in a time machine.

Anyway, so I figure by the summer

of 2010, we can probably set sail.

But I think about it

every day of my life.

Let me ask you this, Bob,

why wait two years?

- Well, I gotta make more money.

- Okay, look.

I hear you, believe me.

But what if I were to tell you

that I could sell this house...

...for 30 percent above market?

- That'd be great. Could you do it?

- Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby.

Look, I got my real-estate license

a few years back for shits and gigs.

I'd do it for four-fifths commish...

...because you know what really

gets my dick hard?

Helping out my friends.

That'd be fantastic.

That'd be fanta... Oh, my God.

- No, it would be kick-ass, bro.

- Oh, man.

Right there.

What about Dale and Brennan?

Because they haven't

even gotten jobs yet.

God, change the record.

Sweet!

Robert. Don't talk to me like that

in front of my son.

Oh, come on. We're talking about

our dream, the boat. Come on.

Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it

all needs to be done in good time.

I'm just saying give it some thought,

okay? That's it. That's all I'm saying.

Holy sh*t, triplets.

It's true, three's company.

- It shows tons of bush.

- Hey, hey, careful.

Careful with that. You're crinkling.

That's a collector's item.

It's worth a lot of money.

What's up, faggots?

What's up, man? What, you're not

gonna come down, say hi to me?

Hi, Derek.

Whoa, calm down, man.

I'm just joking.

You guys, I really like

your guys' setup up here.

What is your problem, man?

My problem? I don't know.

I don't have a problem, Dale.

Actually, I have the opposite

of a problem:

I made over 550 K last year.

How much did you make?

- It's not about money.

- No, it's not about money.

Well, for me,

it's a little bit about money...

...and I made

that much money last year.

I am the VP of the biggest...

...executive-helicopter-leasing

company on the Western Seaboard.

Okay? I haven't had a carb

since 2004.

Check these out. See these?

See these boys?

This is what I live with.

Every day I lather this up

with Kiehl's in the shower.

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