Step Brothers Page #4

You wanna touch this sh*t?

You wanna touch these bad boys?

Sorry, not gonna happen.

Is there something you want?

I promised Mom I'd offer you a job.

I told her it'd count as her

Christmas present, so...

No. I'm never gonna work for you.

Fine. I don't care.

The truth is I just smoked a J

out in my car a few minutes ago...

...so feeling a little spacy.

Know what I'm say...?

What's up with you, man?

What you looking at, kemosabe?

You...

You wanna punch me right now.

You wanna punch me right now,

but you won't.

You wanna punch me too?

You guys both look like you might

wanna hit me in the face.

You do, I can tell.

Well, why don't you do it?

Why don't you punch me

in the face?

Punch me in the f***ing face!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, my shoulder!

That was awesome.

Mom! Mom!

Derek, know what's always good

for shoulder pain?

- What?

- lf you lick my butthole.

Snap!

- Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Bobby.

- Sure.

Aside from that retard trying to punch

me, it was a pretty good evening.

- It was our pleasure, son.

- Why are you calling him that?

Oh, don't, don't.

Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock

you recommended, Tommy.

Excuse me.

- Hi. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife.

- Hi.

Is it true you struck Derek in the face

and he fell from the tree house?

Yeah. He asked me to.

Oh, that's the most amazing thing

I've ever heard.

I want you to know that tonight...

...I am gonna pleasure myself to

the image of you doing that to Derek.

You know what I mean?

Masturbate.

I am.

Oh, Dale.

You are something.

You are something.

You're something too.

I wanna roll you into a little ball

and shove you up my vagina.

You could just live there.

It's warm and it's cozy.

In your vagina?

I wanna walk around with you

in there and just know that...

...whenever I feel a little tickle

or scratch...

...that it's just your hair

up my vagina.

Please, just do it for me.

What's happening?

Kiss me.

I know. I know. It's too much.

It's too much.

I hate my life, Dale.

Dale, I hate my life!

I have nobody to talk to.

- Well, you seemed okay at the di...

- Please.

Alice! Honey, come on!

Dane Cook, pay-per-view,

Coming, honey!

I'm just talking to Dale.

This is so stupid.

Call me.

- I love you.

- Okay.

- Hey. What'd she want?

- What?

Nothing. Who's...? Who?

Alice.

We were just talking. Not...

It was not about sex or anything.

I can't believe you hit Derek.

I know. Did you see

the expression on his face?

- That was cool.

- Listen.

I know that we started out as foe.

But after that courageous act...

...that you showed me

against the one they call Derek...

...maybe someday

we could become friends.

Friends who ride majestic,

translucent steeds...

...shooting flaming arrows

across the Bridge of Hemdale.

I would follow you into the mists

of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Do you wanna see something cool

that only three people have seen?

Okay, open your eyes.

See that black smudge

right there on the blade?

- Yeah.

- Look at it closely.

- Pretty recognizable signature.

- No.

Randy Jackson from American Idol.

Why do you have Randy Jackson's

autograph on a martial-arts weapon?

I bumped into him

and all I had was this sword...

...and you're not gonna not get

Randy Jackson's autograph.

I would've done

the exact same thing.

Now, do you wanna see

something really cool?

- Of course.

- Turn off the lights.

Industrial-strength

night-vision goggles.

Holy Santa Claus sh*t.

Can you imagine if we had these

when we were 12?

Even better.

We got them when we're 40.

You know what's amazing? They're

not that noticeable on your face.

- Right?

- Yeah.

I can't believe I've been living here

for two weeks...

...and I'm walking

around this place...

...thinking I've got a huge doucher

for a stepbrother.

Secretly, you're not a doucher.

Let's play a game, all right?

On the count of three,

name your favorite dinosaur.

Don't even think about it, just name it.

Ready? One, two, three.

- Velociraptor.

- Velociraptor.

Favorite non-pornographic magazine

to masturbate to.

- Good Housekeeping.

- Good Housekeeping.

If you were a chick, who's

the one guy you'd sleep with?

- John Stamos.

- John Stamos.

- What?

- Did we just become best friends?

Yep.

Do you wanna go do karate

in the garage?

Yup!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

I think they're starting to

like each other.

I got a really bad feeling about this.

- Sword fight!

- I know.

Sword fight!

- Exactly the same!

- I know! That's so weird.

Now you're in trouble.

- Come on!

- No!

They're betting against you,

but you can do it!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Is this a bad time?

What the hell's going on?

Ma, Mr. Doback, okay,

Dale and I were just...

Please, stop calling me Mr. Doback.

Sorry. Okay.

Mom, Doback...

...we think it would be very prudent...

- Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?

- Yes.

Why are you guys so sweaty?

We've already figured out how.

The beds match up perfectly.

It would give us so much extra space

in our room to do activities.

Please say yes.

You don't need our permission

to build bunk beds.

You're adults.

You can do what you want.

So...?

I'm not making myself clear.

I don't give a f***.

Now, you both have

several interviews tomorrow.

I would think you'd be focused

on that and not building bunk beds.

- So...?

- So...?

- We can? No?

- Yes. Yes, you can make bunk beds.

- I knew it.

- Okay. You are not gonna regret this.

We'll get so much more

activities done.

This is the funnest night ever!

This is so scary.

- How you doing over there?

- Really good.

Okay.

Does your son know anything

about carpentry?

No, not a th... Did I hear a drill?

- Dale! Dale, no power tools!

- Power tools.

- What?

- No power tools!

- No, I forgot, I have to brush my teeth.

- That is not your toothbrush.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm all done anyway.

- We did it.

- We did it!

It looks amazing!

Look at that! That looks like

what you'd buy from a store!

- Should've been a bunk bed all along.

- Look at this space.

- We could do aerobics in here.

- So many activities!

- Do step class.

- It's making my head spin...

...how many activities we can do.

- Play Army men.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

Hey, I never asked you.

Do you like guacamole?

Oh, Brennan! Oh, God!

Brennan! Brennan!

Dad. Nancy. It's bad.

It's so bad.

There's blood everywhere.

The bunk beds were a terrible idea.

Why'd you let us do that?

It's so bad!

How would you describe that?

- It's not so bad.

- Right. See?

Put your beds back.

Rumpus time is over.

You got a big day tomorrow.

You need your eight hours.

And although she was 88 years old,

she never stopped believing.

And although she was 88 years old,

she never stopped believing.

It's 8:
20 in the a.m.

Coming up next, a recent study

by the American Council...

Look at her. She's hot.

Okay, guys, this is it.

Good luck. Don't be late.

Dad, I need to borrow

some clothes for the interview...

...since I don't have

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