Step Brothers Page #5

any fancy clothes.

You go in my closet, take whatever

you need. You guys gotta look sharp.

This is the most important

day of our lives.

- Okay.

- No pressure, no pressure.

- All right? Relax.

- Okay.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

This is your day.

Remember that. You own it.

- This is your one day!

- All right.

Mr. Huff, Mr. Jeener

is ready for your interview.

Actually, we'll be

interviewing as a team.

We're here to f*** sh*t up.

Move it!

Hey!

Well, Brennan, you certainly

have had a lot of jobs.

I'm a bit of a spark plug.

And, Human Resources lady,

when I think...

- You know, it's... Actually, it's Pam.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, Pan...

- No, my name is Pam.

- Are you saying Pan or Pam?

- I'm saying Pam.

Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this

gentleman sitting behind you?

Hello, Ms. Lady. I'm Dale.

I'm Brennan's stepbrother...

...and I think I might be able to help

with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Pam.

- Pan.

- Pam.

- Pand. There's a D on the end.

- With an M.

- There's no D. It's Pam.

- It's like "comb," except P-A-N-M.

- N-N. There's two N's.

- Two M's. That was the confusion.

No, there's just one M.

What do you say we interview you?

All right. Yes, that's a

sometimes-useful exercise.

Please put your hand down.

Go ahead.

How much money do you make

a year before taxes?

Okay, I'm actually not comfortable

answering that.

- Come on!

- We're doing the interview, not you.

Here's a shot out of a cannon:

Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife.

You gotta f*** one,

marry one, kill one. Go!

I think we're done here. Thank you.

Mr. Huff, under your references,

you listed Dale Doback...

...which I know is this gentleman,

but you also listed...

..."Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior."

- Yeah.

Yeah, we are looking for people

we can contact.

We wanna tell you the stuff

we're not good at.

- Our weaknesses.

- So we're clear up front.

- Okay.

- We're not generally comfortable...

...in an office setting, I would say.

- I get cooped up.

I won't go into an office

that's ever been used before.

I am no good before 11 a.m.

I also get headaches from computers,

so I can't be around them too long.

I take stuff.

I need someone to go up and down

with me in the elevator.

I have a weakness for sweets.

Other weaknesses?

We're slow learners and we're

not particularly good listeners.

- That'll be a huge problem.

- We're also slow learners.

First of all,

I needed someone to work...

Wait, shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth.

I think we've had enough...

- Shush up for one second.

- Shut your mouth.

- Wait, shut your mouth.

- I'm sorry, what did you just say?

- You're just coming off stupid.

- I'm coming off stupid?

You're wearing tuxedos to a job that

requires you to clean bathrooms.

- Please leave this office, we're done.

- Do we get any sort of souvenir?

Get out of my office!

I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind

hanging out with for 12 hours a day.

You guys seem like cool guys.

Got hair similar to mine,

you wear tuxedos to the interview.

That's funny, it's ironic. I get that.

Underplaying the whole formality of it.

I think that's funny as hell.

So let's do this, you know?

You guys are hired. You're in.

Unless you're the weirdest guys ever

and I don't see it.

Great.

- Was that a fart?

- I don't know.

I can taste it.

On my tongue.

Okay, I'll be honest with you.

I did fart.

Is that onion? Onion and...

Onion and ketchup.

- It stinks. And this is a small room.

- Sh*t.

Okay, now the tuxedos

seem kind of f***ed up.

God. We were so close.

So, what do we do for jobs?

Is your dad really gonna kick us out?

Listen, don't worry about my dad.

Got him sewn up.

We've gotta start thinking bigger,

though, Brennan.

Listen, what are you really good at?

Singing. I'm a world-class singer.

See? Right there,

that's an amazing skill.

Now, what am I good at?

I can shred on the drums

and I'm a marketing wiz.

Put all that together,

what do you get?

- I don't know, a band?

- No, that's been done before.

Even better:
we are gonna start an

The biggest and the best.

And we're gonna call it

Prestige Worldwide.

That sounds so cool.

I feel like a lightning bolt

hit the tip of my penis.

Yeah. Yeah.

We're brothers. This is why we met.

- To form this alliance, right?

- Right?

That's why our parents met,

so this idea could happen.

- Okay, what do we do?

- We get to work.

And we hit the beat laboratory

right now. Let's go.

- What?

- Wait.

What time is it?

- 4:
30.

- 4:
30.

- I can't go down Whitworth right now.

- Okay.

We should go this way.

- What's up?

- Chris Gardocki.

- What?

- He gets in my face...

...and I just don't wanna

deal with the hassle now.

- Are you this scared?

- Can we please go the long way?

- Down Cutler?

- Yeah.

But that's 45 minutes.

You're gonna shame me

into doing this.

- You sound stupid.

- You'll be sorry. Okay, I'm stupid.

Oh, man.

Oh, God, there they are.

Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback?

- Let's make him lick dog sh*t.

- Yeah.

Hey, fag-stick. Long time, no see.

Is that your boyfriend?

Is that your butt buddy?

Look, Mr. Gardocki,

just leave me alone, will you?

Shut your mouth, es.

You guys just go back and have fun

on your jungle gym, okay?

Does butt buddy have a name?

If you're referring to me as

butt buddy, yes, I do have a name.

It's Brennan Huff.

If you don't come over here

and lick that white dog sh*t...

...l'm gonna plow into your nose

with my fist.

- I'm not licking any white dog sh*t.

- I'll lick the sh*t if you leave us alone.

Dale, you're not licking

dog sh*t, okay? They're kids.

- Brennan, it's just dog sh*t.

- It's ridiculous!

- Hello, how are...?

- Oh, God!

Leave him alone! Leave him alone!

Get them!

So maybe you don't

go down that way anymore.

Maybe you go the long way home.

That's what we talked about.

We'll take the long way home.

You know in that one scene

in The Wizard of Oz...

...when the flying monkeys

pull apart the Scarecrow?

That's what it was like.

- It's okay, it's okay.

- I'm so sorry.

Is my dad mad about

the stuff that happened?

Robert was very upset, yes.

He knows that you interviewed

as a team.

And he heard about the fart.

- Oh, he did?

- Yeah.

You just couldn't hold it, or you...?

- No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

- It was not silent.

Just kept going, and it made a sound.

It was embarrassing.

It got louder.

So listen, Bobby,

I'll get those keys made tomorrow...

...and then we'll start setting up times.

- Thank you.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- Always nice to see you.

- You too.

Hey, guys.

Looks like your

free ride's over, huh?

Have fun living on the streets.

Okay, cool. Good chatting, you guys.

Bye, Mom.

- Bye.

- See you, buddy.

What was he doing here?

We're putting the house

on the market.

- Where are we moving?

- Is the house haunted?

Nancy and I are retiring...

...and sailing around the world

on my boat.

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