Step Sisters Page #5

You're not teaching them are you, Jam?

Girl, you're crazy.

Teaching?

Oh, we're... I'm busy, you know.

- OK.

- Cardio, Harvard...

I mean, I'm surprised

they find time to practice,

with all the tanning sessions

and blow-drying...

Girl, when was the last time you

left the house without your edges laid?

Cheryl? No. I didn't send for you.

- It's the wrong time...

- We should run.

Because we don't want our FitBits

judging us tonight.

Because we want to be more like... OK.

Ooh! Oh no, girl. You're mad sweaty.

You know I don't do sweat.

- I glow.

- I forgot.

- You're right. OK, girl. Bye! See you!

- See you.

- You're about to get that sh*t again.

- Bye!

I don't know what's going on with her.

Out of control.

[BETH PANTS]

If my sorors find out I'm teaching you

to step, it will get ugly,

like Love and Hip Hop reunion show ugly.

- I like Love and Hip Hop reunion shows.

- I know.

What do you have,

an exam on that comic book?

I didn't know you liked zombies.

Campus is all abuzz about

these white girls stepping next week.

- Are they excited?

- Depends on the skin tone.

Seems to be a direct correlation

between pigmentation and indignation.

Great. So, my college legacy will be...

Auntie Tom, the sell-out house Negress.

[KEVIN] Let's postpone your pity party.

OK, my sister tells me you guys

are doing a karaoke fund-raiser?

- Yeah.

- Karaoke's way more fun with a live band.

And I happen to play keyboard in...

So, your legacy will be...

the keyboard playing, Arabic studying,

snowboarding handyman?

- Honey, you're a mess.

- Or a Renaissance man.

I'll just...

I'm gonna get back to work, so...

Let me take you out.

Like a date.

I'm not, you know,

a dinner-date kind of guy.

I'm more original with my game.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

I just think it's probably too soon

for a ski weekend in Afghanistan, so...

The whole playing-hard-to-get thing

really works well for you.

[CHUCKLES] You've got a lot of balls.

Nah.

Just two.

So corny.

Ugh. There you go.

That word again.

Look, make a list of everything

that's not corny,

so I can be cooler in the future.

Oh, you've got it. What's your e-mail?

Uh, twobigballs@forreal.com.

- Twomicro...

- Massive...

- ...balls@inyourdreams.com.

- Inreality.com.

[JAMILAH] OK. Got it.

Ooh, baby, baby

Baby, baby

Salt and Pepa's here

And we're in effect

Want you to push it, babe

Cooling by day...

[HUMS INTO GLASS]

Let's go show the guys that we know

How to become...

$2,100 at the door.

Jam, will you gay-marry me?

Yeah!

I need more songs.

- [JAMILAH] Behind the bar.

- I crossed out the Prince songs.

Drunk a**holes screeching Purple Rain

is no way to honor his memory.

You missed my rendition of

B*tch Betta Have My Money.

And calling it "epic"

would be a gross understatement.

[CHEERING]

[CROWD WHOOPING]

Up next, Jamilah!

Please report to the stage.

Jamilah.

[BETH] Kill it, girl!

[CROWD WHOOPING]

- Cute.

- [KEVIN] I've been called worse.

So, what will it be?

Shoop? Single Ladies?

Hmm? Well?

["JUST WHAT I NEEDED" BY THE CARS PLAYING]

[WOMAN HOWLS IN APPROVAL]

I thought was corny?

I don't mind you coming here

And wasting all my time, time

'Cause when you're standing oh so near

I kind of lose my mind, mind

It's not the perfume that you wear

It's not the ribbons in your hair

I don't mind you coming here

And wasting all my time

I guess, you're just what I needed

Just what I needed

I needed someone to feed

I guess, you're just what I needed

Just what I needed

I needed someone to bleed

[LIBBY SCREAMS]

Hey. Quick second.

Stay away from my brother.

He falls really hard and really fast.

He just got out of a bad break-up.

He doesn't need some rebound chick

heart-raping him.

I have a boyfriend,

who's driven and successful...

Kevin is my best friend in the world.

And if you hurt him,

I will wear your ass like a leg warmer.

Great job up there!

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE PINGS AND BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

[BETH]

Jammer! Come to Fleck's with us tonight.

It's Ladies' Night -

epic buzz for minimal ducats!

Hmm...

Maybe, but I'm kind of stressed.

Just want to chill. OK?

[AISHA] Hey, Jam. Sorors from Cornell

are in town tonight - dying to see you.

Fleck's, at 11:
00. Ladies night.

Oh...

Uh...

[BETH] Come, for reals!

SBBs are actually missing you!

Aw.

[AISHA] Not to nag, but this MIA routine

is making girls feel some kind of way.

[DANE] Beautiful brown boo!

My plans fell through.

You down for some spoken word tonight?

Ew.

[KEVIN]

You know, I've been thinking about you.

All good thoughts.

Well, mostly good thoughts.

[DANE] Are you there?

Childproof your thoughts, buddy.

I've got a boyfriend, remember?

[DANE] What are you talking about?

[BETH] I'll stop by on my way to Fleck's!

[AISHA] The sorors wanna

bring the party to you!

[DANE] Are we role-playing again?

I'm coming over.

[JAMILAH SCREAMS]

God!

[CELL PHONE PINGS]

What?

[DEAN BERMAN] Grab me a cheeseburger pizza

and some bacon-wrapped onion rings.

It's Faturday night!

[CELL PHONE PINGS]

[DEAN BERMAN] Sorry, Bishop.

That was for the hubby.

Do not judge my carb-loading.

Weird.

God!

[FEET STOMPING]

OK. Hold that pose.

Throw your hand sign up.

You've got to let people know

the koala bear is your emblem.

This is an applause break and a chance

for you guys to catch your breath.

Also, you'll stop becoming moving targets.

GET READY FOR PROJECTILES:

hot dogs, sodas,

any aerodynamic concession, really.

If they throw it,

they better be ready to catch it.

- It doesn't matter. We are gonna kill it.

- [JAMILAH] There's one more thing.

You guys need to get intense.

[SHOUTS] Gentlemen!

[FEET STOMPING]

[SHOUTS] Greetings from the brothers

of the rugged, the raucous,

and oh-so-ruthless Rho Lambda Chapter!

Rho Beta Mu fraternity, incorporated!

[ALL SHOUT] Rho, Beta, Beta, Beta Mu!

[BETH SQUEALS]

[AMBER WHISPERS] Jesus Christ.

Ladies, introduce yourselves!

- Amber.

- SBB!

[LIBBY] I'm from Texas. I'm actually...

- [BETH] Shh.

- Pitiful!

Man, you all need to spit with some fire.

Put some bass and gravel in your voice!

You all can say some

whack-ass words all day,

but if you spit with some fire,

it will make people's ass hair stand up!

Hey.

Their ass!

[SHOUTS] Make their ass hair... stand up!

Serious.

Shut up!

Say "Hello Kitty."

- Are you hitting on me?

- I said, say "Hello Kitty!"

- Hello Kitty.

- Louder!

Hello Kitty!

Not the back of your throat,

from the bottom of your ass!

- [SHOUTS] Hello Kitty!

- Louder!

[SCREAMS] Hello Kitty!

- Say "Honey Boo Boo!"

- Honey Boo Boo.

[SHOUTS] Pull that Barbie

out of your butt, sis!

[GROWLS] Honey Boo Boo!

- Chicken!

- Chicken!

- Tenders!

- Tenders!

- Chicken tenders!

- Chicken tenders!

I said, chicken tenders!

[GROWLS LOUDLY] I said, chicken tenders!

Calm down, white girl.

Say "Chef Boyardee."

You've got to be kidding me.

Come on "Becky with the Good Hair!"

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