Stillwater Page #2

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the highway, right?

Cruising, making good time.

All of a sudden,

I'm driving, boom,

f***ing 25 point buck comes

outta f***ing nowhere.

I'm like errr, get out

the f***ing way, Bambi.

Skidding, get off to the

side, turn the car off,

stalls dead, won't start.

I'm f***ed.

You ever try hitchhiking with

a f***ing canoe on your back?

Sh*t is real, bro.

Wow.

Uh, you know, I work

with liars all day long

and that is grade-A bullshit.

Are you f***ing insane?

No, man, it happened.

We know you had

to make your bed.

Give that hot momma

a little foot rub.

F*** you, man.

I'm not the foot doctor here.

Podiatrist, goddamn it.

(laughing)

Oh, there it is.

Podiatrist.

(laughing)

- What's up, man?

- What's up, Richie?

Listen, those tents

are fully loaded.

I appreciate this.

- [Cooper] Jack, Jack.

- I got everything you need.

Now we're talking, man.

Any chance you got cell

towers in these tents?

No, man.

(laughing)

Great, my fans are

not gonna like that.

I'm sure all three

of them will survive.

At least they're not

f***ing four years old.

So what?

Who needs cell towers

when you have this...

(dance music)

Oh, sh*t.

That's my sh*t right there.

Motherfucking Jack.

It's like Friday

the 13th in Studio 54.

Dude, is everything

a movie reference?

Hey, you remember

how to use this?

Ah.

You know it's a little

Field of Dream, by the way.

What the hell?

[Willie] That's my

last time saying it.

[Dawson] That's strike two.

That's it right there.

F***ing A, man.

Do you remember May Darnell?

Oh, god.

Who can forget?

Cans out to here, am I right?

(laughing)

Dude, you're the

creepiest man I've ever met.

Cans out to f***ing here.

He's right.

She worked at Hooters for

a couple years back home

and awkward as that

sh*t was, I went.

Oh.

May and Danielle used

to sit behind home plate

and f***ing go crazy, every

one of Dawson's games.

You remember that?

Yeah, she loved you.

She'd go f***ing nuts

every time you pitched.

I always thought she

was gonna get with him

over anybody.

Oh, dude, well, you know,

Cooper f***ing cockblocked him.

What do you want me to do?

She put her pants

down, I said, "Hey."

Yo, let him have

sex with one girl.

Just one.

Gentlemen, if I may,

to the good old days and reliving

them one drunken weekend

at a time.

[Cooper] Yeah.

And to Dawson and all

his relentless attempts

getting us here.

[All] Yeah.

Somebody remembered.

Strength in unity.

[All] Unity in strength.

Oh my god.

Wait wait wait wait wait.

Cooper, what's going on?

You're not joining us.

You gonna go in

the spirit or what?

Oh, Hollywood.

[All] Hollywood.

All right, cheers, it's cool.

[All] Coop, Coop, Coop,

Coop, Coop, Coop, Coop.

All right, f***ing shh.

Shut the f*** up.

Unity in strength.

[All] Yeah!

(woods rustling)

(ominous atmospheric music)

[Willie] What

are you looking at?

Oh, sh*t.

What's up, yo, what's up?

What's going on, man?

Glad you made it, man.

Hey, what's going on, girl?

Hey.

You look beautiful.

Hi.

Okay, cool.

Yo, you guys, you remember

The Wizard, right?

No.

But you might remember me.

Did we sleep together

in high school?

In your dreams.

That's unlikely.

I just have far too

much sex in real life

to ever dream about it.

Oh.

Hysterical.

Hey, I'm Dawson.

Yeah, yo, and

that's Vera and Fauna.

Hi.

So, yo, why don't you

guys get set up, right?

And when you come back, we've

got some beers right here

with your names on it.

Cool.

Right on.

Rock and roll.

(laughing)

The f***ing, The Wizard, man.

That guy's so f***ing

cool, I can't stand it.

Awesome.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

The f***ing Wizard?

The f***?

What's...

Guys, The Wizard's cool, man.

That wasn't part

of the plan, Leech.

I don't want no

strangers eating our food

and drinking all our beer.

What the hell are you thinking?

I took time off of work

to hang out with you guys,

not some party crashers.

First of all, okay,

The Wizard doesn't crash

parties, all right?

He is the party.

Plus, yo, he's got a

shop on Main Street now

called Puff Puff Glass.

I've never seen so many buds.

The whole f***ing

back room is like...

I don't care if he owns

Warner Brothers, man.

Get him out of here.

(scoffing)

Hey, you're awfully

quiet over there, Dawson.

You have an opinion?

You should've asked us first.

Well, what the f*** am

I supposed to do, huh?

I can't just ask

him to up and leave.

Sure you can.

Just f***ing ask him.

Dude, they just got here.

It's about to be dark out soon.

Oh, you're worried

about their safety.

They look like the

f***ing Manson family.

Oh, Jesus.

You know what I say?

I say Leech gets

the f*** out of here

and he takes them with him.

I second that.

[Leech] What the f***?

- [Willie] Second that.

- Oh, f*** that.

- You should go.

- Yeah, Leech.

Dude, that's you guys.

What do you f***ing want, man?

What the f*** is wrong with you?

You're getting

aggressive and sh*t.

Hey, we're not sending

them away or Leech.

All right, we waited far

too long to get back here,

so as unfortunate as

this situation is,

we're gonna find

a silver lining.

Ah, silver lining.

Well, if I may,

the sausage fest was getting

a little rough on the eyes

and the one kinda

has a little bit

of a Christina Ricci

thing going on.

That's what I'm talking about.

That was part of

my plan all along.

I guess we were always

better when we had something

to compete over, so...

All right, then it's settled.

We just make the

best out of this.

Tomorrow we're sending

them on their way.

Cool, cool.

All right, but if that

a**hole even enters my airspace,

I'm taking him down.

Please, dude.

This sh*t's gonna be so

much more bad-ass now.

You're f***ing

welcome, all of you.

I'm gonna need

a few more beers.

I'll take one Jack.

Grab some beers, baby.

I'm getting some.

You're welcome, for real.

[Willie] Yeah, remember

you had tourette's

for some odd reason.

But you know what

didn't make sense?

I remember you always talked

about joining the military.

I just didn't, I didn't

think you'd actually do it.

Hey, man, they

recruit like mad.

Promise you an education you

don't have time for afterwards,

if you don't die, of course.

(laughing)

Well, it can't be any

worse than the medical field,

huh, Willie?

I mean, how many lawsuits

you up to now, man?

10?

You hit double digits?

Look, man, the thing to do

now is to sue a doctor, okay?

Everybody thinks WebMD

is smarter than me.

(laughing)

[Leech] It don't take much.

[Willie] Well, I'm

gonna go kill myself.

(laughing)

You really don't remember me?

No.

A lot of people remember

you, mister ace on the mound.

Rumor is you bought a farm

and settled down with a woman

real quick.

Yeah, I'm still

married, for now at least.

I remember you.

You remember girls

you never slept with?

Didn't you have like one

successful TV show 10 years ago?

I heard no one will cast you

because you're such

a dick bag now.

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