Stir Crazy Page #4

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I don't want you to get me

no cheeseburger.

- I'll wash your socks.

- I don't want you washing my socks.

Leave my socks alone.

Stay out of my face.

These are delicious.

Aren't you amazed at the quality

of these vegetables, in a prison?

I'm amazed at what's

crawling around in our soup.

- What are you talking about?

- Little creatures.

- Where?

- There.

What's the story with him?

Why does he get a separate table?

That's Grossberger...

the biggest mass murderer

in the history of the Southwest.

My dear, he killed

his entire family...

and all his relatives

in one weekend.

Then he killed two more people

that reminded him of his family.

Is he here for rehabilitation?

He threw the chaplain

through a wall over at the library...

burned the furniture factory

to the ground.

He hasn't killed anyone here yet.

I wouldn't sit with him,

and I killed my stepdaddy.

I wonder what triggered

all that violence.

He seems so gentle.

I see what it is.

Nobody has ever just sat down...

and honestly talked with that man.

Poor kid.

The man is not ready

for an interview.

I'll wait till after

he's had a little nap.

Do you mind? Why did you kill

your stepfather anyway?

Criticizing my new fur jacket...

and slapping my hand.

All right. Come on!

Get his shoulder down!

- What do you want to do with him, Jack?

- How late was he?

A week.

Snort up all that nice blow...

and then you forget about payin'?

Teach him to be punctual.

- What the hell was that all about?

- That's Jack Graham.

You don't mess with him.

He's one mean hombre.

- A guard can yank you out like that?

- He's no guard.

He's an inmate, like you and me,

only he runs the cell block.

Dope, whiskey, even a woman.

He can get you anything you want.

And he can get you killed.

I don't want anything from him.

That's Blade.

He runs the Third World side

of cell block two.

Till Grossberger came along, he held

the ax murder record in the Southwest.

It's tough to stay at the top.

He's the one I'm gonna get you

the cheeseburger from.

- How you like it, medium?

- No, I don't want no cheeseburger.

- I'm trying to keep my weight down.

- Don't worry.

- Getting a little pudge.

- I'll protect you.

- For some reason, I make him uneasy.

- I wonder why.

I'm going. Skip, my friend.

Excuse me, would you?

- I'll come with you.

- Oh, sh*t.

I'm a little nervous.

Did you sleep any better last night?

I got a couple winks between nightmares.

The walls keep closing in on me.

I've got it on the list.

Roomier cells,

soap dish, toilet seats...

What are you talking about?

That's ridiculous.

- Put that on your list!

- I'm going to. Unnecessary violence.

- Did you see what they did to that guy?

- You two, inside.

Inmates 65984.-.

And 65985.

The New Yorkers.

How do you do, sir?

Very nice to meet you.

Harry and I would like...

I think I can speak for Harry.

Harry's a little nervous.

And I am a little bit too...

because this is a very different

way of life from anything we're used to.

We would like to touch base with you

on one or two ideas...

that we think would make life

a lot easier for all of us.

Do we have to listen to this?

Were you in

the middle of something?

No. Mr. Wilson just doesn't feel

the same need...

to be hospitable

to our out-of-town guests as I do.

Get on the bull.

- "Get on the bull"?

- Get on the bull!

Is that what that is?

I didn't know.

Is that a recreational activity?

I was hoping for

volleyball or tennis.

We have an annual prison rodeo.

We're awfully proud of it.

We like to run you new fellas

through this little test...

just to see if you have

any aptitude for it.

Sure. Fine with me.

Make sure we haven't overlooked

some big rodeo star.

- You won't be needing me, right?

- You wanna shut up?

Let her rip.

You're on backwards.

Over the rig.

I thought you meant the other way.

I was looking for the horns to come out.

- Ready, Mr. Wilson?

- Ready.

Proceed.

You gotta try this.

It's fun. It's like

the merry-go-round at Coney Island.

Try two level.

Where's the part

where I go "hee-haw"?

Go to three.

This is fun.

Look, Ma, I'm dancin'.

Ride it, Skip!

Ride that son of a b*tch!

All right.

- Is it all right if I get off now?

- Yes, you can get off now.

You two fellas can go on back

to your cells. Mr. Barstow.

We had a nice little visit,

didn't we, Warden?

Here are some of those ideas

I was talking to you about earlier.

Chew on these for a few days,

and when you're ready, give me a call...

and we'll go over them.

- Get rid of them.

- Maybe we could meet for lunch.

- I don't believe what I just saw.

- The damn machine's malfunctioning.

The machine's fine. Maybe you'd like

to get up on it and try it for a six.

- Luck was all it was.

- That boy's a born cowboy.

- From New York?

- I don't care if he's from Tasmania.

No inmate ever took Double-Aught

to six level before.

Your big rodeo star Graham...

born with cow sh*t in his ears,

he never got past a four.

- Graham's had a lot of injuries.

- And I've had ten years of humiliation.

I ain't even gonna talk about

the money trouble I'm in...

from losing to Warden Sampson and his

Doerin Prison gorillas because of him.

If that eastern kid's for real,

he's gonna ride for Glenboro Prison...

in the next rodeo and we're gonna whip

Sampson's boys and win that prize.

Now, get that kid

back in here in an hour.

I wanna test him out

on Double-Aught again.

Checking it out with him.

My back hurts.

I'm gonna have to drop out.

My back still hurts

from yesterday.

It's at it again.

Harry, rub me a little bit

right here, would ya?

That's it.

Good. That's better.

Did you try that thing

in the warden's office? It's fun!

Jesus is the champion bull rider

from his province, man.

You're kidding.

That's wonderful. Does that mean

you're gonna ride in the prison rodeo?

Jesus says the rodeo is bullshit.

Why?

Do you know how much money they make

from this rodeo? $85,000 to $100,000.

$100,000.

That money is supposed to go

to the prisoners. But we don't get sh*t.

We get our ass kicked.

They get rich.

Are you telling me the prisoners

don't get one penny of that money?

No. Well, I'm exaggerating

a little here.

Two years ago, we got

new Ping-Pong balls, five boxes.

I don't understand.

Then why do the guys go to the rodeo?

They scare the sh*t out of everybody

by threatening to deny their parole.

That's how they get

all the kiss-asses.

Outrageous, man.

Over in Texas,

they run an honest rodeo, man.

Yeah. The prisoners

can even keep the prize money.

Them wardens over there

are pretty decent...

not like these pricks.

Isn't that f***in' outrageous?

Say, I hear you went to a six

on Double-Aught.

My man.

Did you tell him that?

It wasn't so tough.

Well, if you really did a six...

they are going to want you to ride

in that Top Hand Competition next time.

So? Don't worry about me.

I'm not a brownnoser.

Everybody know that, man,

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