Stir Crazy Page #5

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but don't jump to conclusions.

Why don't you hear the man out?

If you ride in the Top Hand event...

there's a strong chance

we can bust outta here.

Know what I mean?

- Is he talking about a jail break?

- You bet your ass.

What about our appeal?

Appeal, my...

Tell him about appeal, Rory.

The day I met you

and sweet pants here...

Was my fifth appeal hearing

in six years.

Turned me down flat.

You wanna spend 30 years

in this joint, man?

I couldn't take it.

I know you can't, man.

We gotta get the f*** outta here.

Hello, operator.

Get me Warden Sampson

at Doerin Prison, please.

Thank you.

Hello, Wally.

How's your team look this year?

Not too bad. We might even

give you a race this year.

Is that right?

You got yourself some new blood?

Something like that.

Seeing as how you're

in such good shape...

maybe you'd like to put

some real money down on this one.

Now, I realize that $50,000...

ain't much these days...

but it might stimulate

a little interest.

Henry, one way or another...

I'm gonna cover that bet.

What do you want me to do?

You've got to

convince the warden...

That you will not ride,

no matter what they do.

I'm telling you, he's gonna be so mad,

he'll wet his pants...

'Cause he always makes this very big bet

with the other warden...

but you gotta hold out.

No matter what they throw at you

to break you down, don't give up.

The longer you hold out, the better

chance you got to strike a bargain.

- What kind of a bargain?

- That you pick your own crew.

That's us.

The County Stadium where they hold

the rodeo is a b*tch to crack.

- Even tougher than this joint we're in.

- It's supposed to be escape-proof.

But there's a weakness.

This is fantastic.

Harry, there's a great novel in this.

Which you won't start writing till

we get the f*** outta here, right?

I guess I can wait seven months.

Donahue!

Hello, Warden.

Nice to see you again.

I got some good news for you.

- My wine magazines came?

- No. It's better than that.

You're gonna represent Glenboro Prison

in the annual Top Hand Competition.

Congratulations!

Oh, my God!

Warden.

- I can't do that.

- What are you talkin' about?

I should've told you in your office.

My mother was a veterinarian.

I can't have anything to do

with the exploitation of animals.

- She would turn over in her grave.

- I don't believe you heard me.

This is very important to me.

Important to you?

My mother is watching over

every step I make.

Do you know that my soul

is on the line here?

Please, let's just drop...

What?

I said no.

I told him no.

Ma, are you crazy? All right.

We'll talk about it in my cell.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Would you excuse me, Warden?

That boy's very confused.

Straighten him out.

What about Jack Graham?

His knees have mended.

Wake 'em up.

All right! On your feet!

- Let's move!

- What happened?

Let's go, Mayor Koch.

And you, too, Count Basie.

- What time is it?

- 4:
30.

Why so early?

It's called "paying your debt

to society." Now, move!

- Is breakfast ready?

- Somebody stole the toilet.

Over here.

You're peeing on me!

Close 12!

Oh, sh*t! They're tryin' to kill me!

They're tryin' to kill me!

Please, God! Please!

- Not me! Oh, Jesus!

- Coming back!

Pillow.

I want my pillow.

All right, you two.

Up and at 'em!

I can't feel nothin' in my leg!

- Don't you see the white line here?

- Yes, sir.

You're not supposed to be

off to the side of it.

I'm not... Sorry. What a mistake.

Never happen again.

See, it's too late for that now.

Get him outta here.

Come on!

Close ten!

My back! My 11-year-old

back problem is gone.

I feel terrific.

Thanks, Cap!

Wow! What a lucky guy!

You son-of-a-guns!

All right, get in there.

And I'll see you in about

five days, if you make it.

Donahue?

One more day, please.

Just one more day.

I was just beginning

to get into myself.

Be a pal.

Harry, guess who's here.

How's my best...

I left my... my wallet

in the solitary.

Could I...

Oh, please!

Nighty-night, boys.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?

Grossberger.

Come here a minute.

I wanna talk to you.

- Excuse me.

- Don't touch him.

Please don't touch him.

I'll see you later. I'm just gonna

stand over here for a while.

- Don't leave me, please.

- No, I'll just be over here.

Ward, do you think

Grossberger ate them all up?

Or did he leave some bones?

If he did, we're gonna ship 'em

back to Times Square.

Oh, man!

Say what?

I know it's illegal.

Give us a break.

We tried charades.

He doesn't get it.

- He just doesn't get it.

- You can't play this card!

What is this? Look! What?

Cheating! Look! See?

- Wait a second.

- What?

- What do you call...

- That's for this one.

Well, how have you

been getting along?

Oh, excuse me.

This is my cousin Meredith.

She's been helping out

on your case.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You too.

It's amazing.

There's hardly any family resemblance.

No offense.

We're just barely cousins.

See, my mother was

a French cancan dancer...

and...

It's a long story.

Say, how have you been

getting along?

Swell.

Just swell.

A few ups and downs.

You know, people see movies

about prison life...

But until you've actually

spent a little time here...

It's hard to get the real flavor

of... of what it's like.

I think more Americans should spend time

behind bars so they would understand.

Well, more Americans

probably will.

Now, we have made your

preliminary bid for retrial and...

Well, Meredith,

why don't you tell him?

Remember the little girl

in the bank?

She is ready to swear

that you weren't the ones...

in the woodpecker suits

when the bank was held up.

And she remembers that

one of the robbers had a tattoo.

She even remembers the design.

Neither of you has a tattoo, do you?

- No.

- Good.

I'll check out the tattoo artists

in the area. By the way...

There's a raunchy strip joint in town

where tattooed guys hang out.

I'm gonna try for

a part-time job there.

Now, uh...

because the little girl's

only six...

The court declared that her information

doesn't justify a new hearing.

But we are trying

to change their minds.

On the basis that the prosecution

did withhold that information.

Which is all legal bullshit, because

the fact is that you were railroaded.

Just one more example of

a repressive criminal justice system...

coming down on

the bottom layer of society.

I don't know about the bottom part,

but I couldn't agree more on the rest.

Um, you wanna know something...

That's always fascinated me?

Are the prison romances

that sometimes spring up...

Between inmates

and girls from the outside...

sometimes quite beautiful girls...

I mean, would you,

for example...

Could you actually become involved...

I mean, romantically...

with a prisoner?

Absolutely not.

No, I didn't think so.

I was just curious.

What in the hell do you mean,

Donahue's tougher than you thought?

- A few more days, I'll have him broke.

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