Stitches Page #3

because no one likes you.

Where's the first aid kit?

- In the pantry.

You have a pantry?

I'm on it.

Tom!

He went that way, love.

Kate! Where did you put

that bottle of vodka?

Is it in your bag? Kate?

All right, I'll see you later.

Bingo.

My favourite.

Are you OK?

How's your head?

- It's fine.

Remember we used to come up here?

This is the crows nest.

Do you still use it?

Tom, what the f***?

- What?

Why is the telescope pointing at my house?

Pervert.

- No.

I was up here the other night

looking at the graveyard,

and I saw your light come on.

I turned the telescope around

and saw you in your room.

You were a bit mad about something.

You were wearing clothes anyway.

That's all I saw. I swear.

Why were you looking at the graveyard

in the first place?

Open up before I f***ing piss

in clown pants. F***'s sake!

Go upstairs, you clown.

- F*** you.

I know how this sounds, but the night of

Stitches' funeral I went to the graveyard,

and I saw this ancient ritual thing

in the clown crypt.

It freaked me out.

You think I'm nuts, don't you?

No.

- Anyway, I'm not a peeping Tom.

I'm just a mental Tom.

You're not the only one who's screwed up.

All of us turned out odd.

Where's the f***ing zip?

Not again.

No one would believe me, so I started

researching everything on clowns.

I thought if I found something out about

that ritual, I could prove it happened.

Clowns have been around for centuries.

I've got stuff on Mediaeval jesters,

Pueblo lndian Delight Makers, ancient

Egyptian rib tickling ceremonies,

the Feast of Fools,

the right of Osseous Humours...

I never found anything.

It was all in my head.

What are these?

When a person becomes a clown,

they have to paint their face on an egg.

They call it the Spiritus Singularum,

the Uniqueness of Spirit.

Nobody knows

where the tradition comes from.

It's been around

for as long as the clowns have.

Paul.

He just can't compete. She's with you.

She feels sorry for him. That's all.

Aw, tastes like piss.

Is there any more?

Up to your old tricks again, Paul?

Who the f*** are you?

Maybe this trick will jog your memory.

My f***ing ear!

You're a lucky boy, Paul.

You've got a front row seat

to my comeback show.

Please. No. Please.

That doesn't sound good.

You must have a hair in your throat.

Allow me.

Something. It wasn't a hair.

It was a little fluffy bunny.

It was our fault he died.

- It wasn't.

Just for the record,

not every party ends with a dead clown.

This party is really kicking now.

So, photography is your hobby, is it?

Pretty much, kind of.

You get some good results.

Let me see.

- I'm trying to see where the lads are.

Great.

- OK.

I really like this one. This one is...

Yeah, that's of you.

It's a nice picture, I guess.

Hey, Kate. Kate.

Oh, excuse me.

What's your problem, pale face?

My problem is you pulling that sh*t

with Tom, you ginger f***.

F*** off. That boy needs to lighten up.

How is pissy pants anyway?

Up in his layer crying,

drying himself off?

It was a joke. He needs to get over that.

- It wasn't a very funny joke.

It was pretty hilarious.

I was laughing.

Have you seen Paul floating around?

- Your a**hole boyfriend?

Oh.

- No.

Kate. If you wanna get to me, you're gonna

have to do better than slag Paul.

Speaking of boyfriends, what lead singer

are you sleeping with nowadays?

Changes so often.

- Keeping tabs, are you?

Well, it is difficult.

It's not a one man job.

Speaking of jobs, I do hear you're

more partial to the old blow job.

What? - How else would you acquire

the name 'Blow Job Kate'?

F***!

Sniff 'em out.

Goodbye, Funny Bones.

Look's like you've eaten too much, fatso.

Paul, you dick.

I'm not Paul.

He had to head off.

Let's see if we can find

room in there for desert.

Oh, Jesus.

Help! Help!

I'm being raped by a clown!

Help!

Now, that's food for thought.

You feeling a bit peckish, fat boy?

Do you want me to call someone?

You're f***ing disgusting.

Paul!

Ice cream and crisps,

and people would say

I was fat all the time.

Everything was just so...

Anyway, tell me something about you.

I can make a girl's nipples hard

without touching.

Bet you five quid.

- What's going on here?

He said he could make my nipples hard

without touching.

He's not messing. I've seen him practise

on Bulger's moobs.

OK, I need to concentrate.

Vinny! Oh my God!

- Worth every penny.

For f***'s sake, you little prick.

Vinny.

What a perfect pair, a dick and a c*nt.

Vinny, you d*ckhead.

Paul?

Paul?

Paul, is that you?

Are you trying to be funny?

This clown's not funny.

Not anymore.

Pick up the phone, Vinny.

Brace yourself. Here it comes.

Bastard.

Taken from behind.

Sniff 'em out.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Guys, you need to get out

of here right now!

There's a clown who died and he came back,

and he's in my house right now!

You need to get out of here!

Clown?

- You're a f***ing clown.

I'm not joking.

We need to go right now.

Oh my God, you are being serious.

- Piss off.

Vinny!

- Vinny!

Vinny, I love you.

- Tom, what the f***?

You need to get out of the house now!

- What are you talking about?

The clown's back. Get everyone together.

Get dressed and get out of there.

Calm down. It's OK.

I'll be out in about five minutes.

It's not safe, Vinny.

We have to go right now!

Shut up for a second, please.

- Six minutes.

He's ready for you, Vinny.

- Listen to me!

Go for it.

- I need you, man.

You're in there.

He's ready for you, Vinny.

He says he'll give you a hand job

for a fiver.

Vinny!

- Just tell him you love him.

Let's see how many lives you've got left.

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine.

Dead.

Kate. It's Stitches.

- What are you talking about?

The clown from my party, he's back.

- That clown died at your party.

No, serious.

- Tom, it's Paul dressed up.

It's not Paul. I know what I saw.

Come on.

Paul, no.

- F*** off.

Guys, there's a killer in the house!

Vinny's upstairs. He needs our help.

- Help him get it up.

Has anyone seen Paul, Richie or Bulger?

So do you wanna go upstairs?

- No. I don't want to encourage this sh*t.

No, I mean do you want to go upstairs?

Don't worry about her, man. She doesn't

know a winner when she sees one.

Chicks.

Vinny?

Prick.

We have to go now.

Vinny, the clown is back.

If you don't come now, he could kill us.

We need to get out of here.

- I'm trying to bang this chick.

Vinny, tell the little prick to piss off!

You don't look happy to see me.

I know what'll cheer you up.

I saw him upstairs. You have to come now.

- Vinny. Vinny.

I'll be back in two minutes.

Can you tell what it is yet?

Woof. Woof.

D*ckhead.

Say cheese. Oh, that's not my best side.

What's happening to me?

- Stop talking, big head.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

Put your knickers on. We're leaving.

Vinny. Vinny.

Mary, come on.

There's a killer clown in the house.

Is there? I'd like to meet him.

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