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Strange Bedfellows Page #2
for the last five years,
I could write off so much tax,
I'd be laughing.
Hey, you could even
claim me as a dependent.
We'd both come out in front.
But how can we do that?
Well, it's simple.
We just become gay.
No!
No, no, no, no.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
We just say we are.
There's no physical.
(Ralph)
Hey, Harry.
No.
What's wrong
with you, Ralph?
I mean, this is
our big chance
to really turn things
around for us.
claim spouse benefits.
set up a family trust.
You're not listening
to me, Vince.
I don't want anyone
thinking I'm a poof.
You're on the house here, boys!
Right ho, mate!
No, not poofs, mate...
same-sex couple.
That's what they call it
these days.
Same-sex couples.
I don't care
what they call it.
I don't want to be one!
(Vince)
We'd just be pretending,
for goodness sake.
What's your problem?
(Ralph)
I just wouldn't feel
comfortable with it.
I mean, I've got nothing
against them personally.
Good luck to them.
But I wouldn't
want them near me,
much less going around
saying I was one.
There's a word for you,
Ralph:
Homophobic.(Ralph)
Yeah?
Well, there's a word
for you too, mate:
Out of your bloody mnd.
Have you any idea
around here
if people thought
we were a pair of pansies?
"Same-sex couple," Ralph.
Take Big Red,
for instance.
He'd laugh us out of town.
Not everyone in town
is as close-mnded
as you and Big Red.
Oh, no?
Why don't you ask
the boys later
what they think?
(man)
Don't know any,
and I don't care to.
(man)
There is Eric, of course.
Yeah, but he's
the local hairdresser.
It'd be a worry
if he was the barber.
I'd cut me own hair.
You mean you pay
to get that done?
Get stuffed.
They reckon
Tom Farquar's eldest
is that way inclined.
(man)
Yeah?
Ran off and joined
the Australian ballet.
Next thing I hear,
he's up in Canberra
doing the
Nutcracker Suite.
Sounds painful.
[Laughter]
(Vince)
How long have we
known each other, mate?
(Ralph)
Most of our lives.
And in all that time,
have I even been wrong?
Yeah.
When?
Karen Stevens.
Karen Stevens?
That was 300 years ago;
get over it.
You said she was
a walk-up start.
Her father set
the bloody greyhounds onto me.
And I still convulse
every time I hear a dog bark.
Come on, mate.
I'd do it for you.
Yeah, let everyone think
I'm a fairy.
No.
We fill out the forms.
We send them in
to Canberra.
They register us
as a same-sex couple.
So then we're eligible
for the tax cuts.
They think they've got
a couple of sure-fire votes.
Everybody's happy.
Yeah, they're happy.
We're gay.
Well, just officially.
You know,
puts it in the computer,
and we're eligible
for the tax cuts.
End of story.
Mate, I really need you
to help me with this.
Please.
Just sign the paper?
Just sign the paper.
And no one will ever know.
Swear to God.
Sorry, mate.
I just can't do it.
No.
[Telephone ringing]
Hello.
(woman)
Hey, Dad, it's me.
Carla.
How are you, sweetheart?
I'm great, Dad.
How are you?
Oh, you know.
Got plenty
to keep me out of trouble.
Well, don't work too hard.
You always take on too much.
Gee, love, you're starting
to sound like your mum.
[Laughs]
Someone's got
to look after you now.
Hey, Dad, I'm thinking
of comng up on the 21st.
Oh, that'll be great.
You'll be here
for the Firemen's Ball.
Um, okay.
I'm bringing Peter to meet you.
Yeah, well, it's about time
your old man was introduced.
My thoughts exactly, Dad.
Might even have to give
the old overalls a wash, eh?
[Carla laughs]
No need to go silly.
Actually, we're thinking
of moving in together.
Oh, yeah?
Sounds serious.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
Well, I'll really
look forward to that.
Yeah, me too.
I'll see you then, then, Dad.
Love you.
Love you too, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
[Dog barking in the distance]
Good night.
(woman)
Good night, Vince.
(man)
See ya, mate.
Yup.
And no one will ever know.
No one will ever know.
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, mate, I could kiss you.
Just you bloody try.
Ralph, I can't tell you
how much this...
Hey.
for all you did for us.
You have now.
So I go in this box.
Then you go here.
Just a moment.
"Spouse"?
Why do I have to be
the spouse?
It's not important.
It is to me.
I don't want
to be the spouse.
Makes me sound
kind of wussy.
You're supposed
to sound wussy.
That's the whole point.
Why can't you be
the spouse?
I'm taller.
Well, if it's such
a big issue,
I'll be the spouse.
You can be
head of household.
That make you happy?
Well, happier
than being the spouse.
Help me through this.
"Period of cohabitation."
What?
How long since
we moved in together?
Well, we want the full
five years' back benefits,
so six years.
Now, hang on.
Hang on.
When did your mssus
shoot through?
About six years ago.
Perfect.
Yeah, so, what, she left
and then, straight away,
we move in together?
What's wrong with that?
Well, I don't want
to look easy.
It looks like I got you
on the rebound.
Okay.
So we saw each other
on the sly
for 12 months before,
okay?
Sounds reasonable.
rushed into anything.
[Laughs]
Sometimes I seriously worry
about you, Ralphie.
"Address
of shared residence."
My place.
I don't want it going down
that I'm living
in a projection booth.
Picky.
"Orientation."
Well, the backyard
faces northeast.
Sexual orientation, mate.
Sexual.
Oh.
I'll just put down,
"Couple of old up-your..."
Bloody hell.
Oh, my old mum
would spin in her grave
if she saw that.
No.
"Private and confidential."
That means
it's privileged information.
Strictly between us
and them.
ever find out?
[Rooster crowing]
[Tires screeching]
[Upbeat fiddle music]
Oh, Father.
T op of the morning
to you, Ralph.
And the rest of the day
to you, Father.
[Whistling]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They're sending
a tax investigator
to interview us.
They're going to check
our claim.
Oh.
"Random testing of applicants."
Ralph, it's random.
Random, my ass.
With the bloody mess you're in,
I bet you the bloody
alarm bells went off
through the door.
Oh, no, this has got nothing
to do with my tax problem.
They're just sending out
an inspector
to check up
that we're really gay.
The fact is, Vince,
that some ferret
from the tax department
We're going to be
up Sh*t Creek in a matchbox.
Yeah, okay,
I will admt
we've got a bit
of a problem.
Bit of a problem?
Mate, we have attempted
to defraud the authorities.
They're going to hang us up
by the balls!
Unless...
we can convince them
we're telling the truth.
Vince.
You are not gay.
I am not gay.
Mmm.
an expert on gayness.
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"Strange Bedfellows" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/strange_bedfellows_18952>.
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