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Strange Bedfellows Page #3
He's probably done
a course on it.
We're done for.
Not necessarily.
I mean, how long can
an interview like this last?
An hour?
Two, tops.
All we have to do is keep up
the act for that long.
What act?
I don't know how to look gay.
We're just going
to have to do
Plenty of time up our sleeve.
He's not due here till...
the 21 st.
That's the day of the ball.
Oh, that's just
bloody beautiful, that is.
Yeah.
Gives us plenty of time
to learn how to act
like the real thing.
From who?
They're not exactly thick
on the ground
around here, mate.
No, no, no, no, we're going
to have to go and see Jack
and fess up.
See Jack?
No way.
Listen;
I'll come up with something.
Trust me.
I always do.
But no one around here
must ever know.
(Delaney)
And cakes and biscuits.
That's our department too,
Father.
We've already started
getting organized.
Haven't we, girls?
Now, now, ladies.
Let's not get too far
ahead of ourselves.
We need it to be fresh
on the night.
(Faith)
Oh, it will be.
(Delaney)
Well, I think
that takes care
of everything
unless anyone has anything
of interest to report.
Yvonne, dear,
are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Now, you sure?
Faith, um,
can I tell you something?
Hey, Ralph.
Did you get on
to Vonnie back there?
Couldn't take her eyes
off me.
Well, Vince, you are
a good-looking man.
Who's what?
I was just telling Vince
he's a good-looking man.
Bye.
Come on.
[Whistling]
Father, excuse me.
Can I have a word?
Of course.
Hello, Faith.
How's the ball
comng along?
Everyone
behaving themselves?
Well, actually...
I can't believe
we're doing this.
I can't believe I never
thought of it sooner.
[Shutter clicking]
It's all in the mannerisms,
you know.
If we can learn
half a dozen of those,
we'll be on the nose.
There goes Vonnie.
She scrubs up nice.
She fancies me, you know.
a little nap.
Nighty night.
Hello, Faith.
Hello, Ivy.
Everything all right?
Oh, Ivy,
you'll never guess
what's been going on
in this town.
What?
[Laughs]
Oh.
Good-bye, love.
I'll just tell the girls.
[Laughs]
Hey, Ralph?
What size bed do you have?
Just a single.
I tossed
the old double out.
It was buggered.
Well, where am I going
to sleep?
Well, certainly not at my place.
Yeah, but what if
the inspector guy
checks out your bedroom?
Well, he won't find you.
That's okay.
I got an old double bed
under the theater.
We'll drop it off at your place
just so it looks right.
Father.
Nice day for it.
(Delaney)
Just remember, boys,
God created Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve.
(Vince)
Oh, sh*t, here we go.
Follow him, Ralph.
is he going out here?
What do you reckon
Father Xavier was on about?
Probably one of them beats,
you know?
It's a special sacred
meeting place
that only they know about.
(Ralph)
Maybe he's been
into the altar wine.
There's probably more of them
around here than we think.
You know, it takes
more than one to tango.
Hang on.
Where's he gone?
There he is.
Don't tell me Burt Nankuvis
has joined the team.
Burt gay?
Nah, he's a plumber.
(Jack)
So, anyway,
I bump into Faith earlier.
She reckons
something most unsavory
has been goin' on
under all our noses.
What?
Ralph Williams
and Vince Hopgood
are having
a homosexual relationship.
Come again?
Well, that's what she said.
Straight from
the horse's mouth.
Bloody hell.
I used to go camping
with those blokes.
Shared a tent.
We all did.
If they're poofers,
I'm Nicole Kidman.
[Laughs]
[Laughter]
What is it
with that silly woman?
Someone needs to have
a word with Faith
before she spreads
that nonsense around.
Well, be my guest.
[Banging and water rushing]
Oh, sh*t!
Well, better go
and arrest somebody.
Ooroo.
[Ralph's voice]
I was just telling Vince
he's a good-looking man.
[Upbeat instrumental music]
[Laughs]
[Effemnately]
That's hysterical.
Honestly, you're a couple
of sillies.
[Laughs]
with a... ugh... woman?
Well, on Tuesday,
you did that.
Wednesday,
young Mrs. Yellup,
I believe.
Thursday,
the Crawford girl.
I've gone all hot.
All right, I admt it.
I'm straight.
But look, we can keep this
to ourselves, can't we?
Fellas?
I'm just curious:
Why have
everyone in town think
you're a pillow biter?
I'm a hairdresser,
for f***'s sake.
It's what they expect.
Anyway,
it makes them feel comfortable
to think I'm one of the girls.
Plus no one suspects
you're tomcatting
half the wives and daughters
around the district.
Yeah, well.
Look, any chance
I can buy these photos?
No.
However,
we would be willing
to trade them.
Trade them?
For what?
First, you have to learn
to think gay.
So from now one,
it's not "me" or "I."
No, no, no.
You refer to yourselves
as "she" and "her."
Got it?
Right.
Secondly, it's all
a matter of learning
some body language
and some gestures.
First and most importantly,
the walk.
Now, hold your hand out
as if you're being led
onto the dance floor
by Prince Charmng.
Who?
Prince Charmng.
Listen to me, please.
Head up, bum out.
Think Marilyn Monroe...
crossed with a bit of penguin.
And left shoulder,
right shoulder,
left shoulder,
right shoulder,
left shoulder, pivot.
And I hope you were watching,
because now it's your turn.
(Ralph)
Can you imagine
would react
if they thought we were
a couple a whoopsies?
"Same-sex couple," Ralph.
We should show
a bit of respect.
I mean, if it hadn't been
for the good ol' poofters,
we wouldn't be getting
this opportunity.
That's it.
Come on, girls.
Put a bit of swish into it.
That's the way.
For goodness sake.
Tummy in.
Head up.
And turn and look.
And, Vince, show Ralphie how
to do it, please.
And watch Vince.
Vince is turning.
Turn the body.
Turn the head.
Yes, head-body's fine,
but turn your body, then head.
Thank you.
And off you go.
(Vince)
I reckon
it's only a matter of time
before same-sex marriage
is an everyday thing.
Here;
let me help you, mate.
There you go.
That'd be nice.
We could have
a little ceremony.
Nothing flashy, just us
and a couple of friends.
on a honeymoon.
Or not.
Up she goes.
[Horn honking]
(Eric)
The hips.
There he is.
Go get him, tiger.
[Snarls]
Okay, and turning.
Pivot.
Thank you very much.
Swish, swish, swish.
Vince, for God's sake,
Ralph, come on.
[Snarling]
Ooh, there's some dog poo
on my shoe.
That's it.
Pivot and...
hello, boys.
Okay, and what do you see?
Mm-hmm.
And what do you see?
Some ponce
playing a piano.
Mm-hmm.
Now, which one
do you find more attractive?
All right, the ponce.
Oh, no, not Rock.
Don't tell me Rock was.
Gay as a bag
of butterflies.
Where have you been hiding
for the past couple of decades?
Yeah, even I heard
about him
and Gomer Pyle.
Not Gomer Pyle.
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"Strange Bedfellows" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/strange_bedfellows_18952>.
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