Strange Bedfellows Page #3

He's probably done

a course on it.

We're done for.

Not necessarily.

I mean, how long can

an interview like this last?

An hour?

Two, tops.

All we have to do is keep up

the act for that long.

What act?

I don't know how to look gay.

We're just going

to have to do

a crash course on it.

Plenty of time up our sleeve.

He's not due here till...

the 21 st.

That's the day of the ball.

Oh, that's just

bloody beautiful, that is.

Yeah.

Gives us plenty of time

to learn how to act

like the real thing.

From who?

They're not exactly thick

on the ground

around here, mate.

No, no, no, no, we're going

to have to go and see Jack

and fess up.

See Jack?

No way.

Listen;

I'll come up with something.

Trust me.

I always do.

But no one around here

must ever know.

(Delaney)

And cakes and biscuits.

That's our department too,

Father.

We've already started

getting organized.

Haven't we, girls?

Now, now, ladies.

Let's not get too far

ahead of ourselves.

We need it to be fresh

on the night.

(Faith)

Oh, it will be.

(Delaney)

Well, I think

that takes care

of everything

unless anyone has anything

of interest to report.

Yvonne, dear,

are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Now, you sure?

Faith, um,

can I tell you something?

Hey, Ralph.

Did you get on

to Vonnie back there?

Couldn't take her eyes

off me.

Well, Vince, you are

a good-looking man.

Who's what?

I was just telling Vince

he's a good-looking man.

Bye.

Come on.

[Whistling]

Father, excuse me.

Can I have a word?

Of course.

Hello, Faith.

How's the ball

comng along?

Everyone

behaving themselves?

Well, actually...

I can't believe

we're doing this.

I can't believe I never

thought of it sooner.

[Shutter clicking]

It's all in the mannerisms,

you know.

If we can learn

half a dozen of those,

we'll be on the nose.

There goes Vonnie.

She scrubs up nice.

She fancies me, you know.

I think I'm going to take

a little nap.

Nighty night.

Hello, Faith.

Hello, Ivy.

Everything all right?

Oh, Ivy,

you'll never guess

what's been going on

in this town.

What?

[Laughs]

Oh.

Good-bye, love.

I'll just tell the girls.

[Laughs]

Hey, Ralph?

What size bed do you have?

Just a single.

I tossed

the old double out.

It was buggered.

Well, where am I going

to sleep?

Well, certainly not at my place.

Yeah, but what if

the inspector guy

checks out your bedroom?

Well, he won't find you.

That's okay.

I got an old double bed

under the theater.

We'll drop it off at your place

just so it looks right.

Father.

Nice day for it.

(Delaney)

Just remember, boys,

God created Adam and Eve,

not Adam and Steve.

(Vince)

Oh, sh*t, here we go.

Follow him, Ralph.

Now, where the bloody hell

is he going out here?

What do you reckon

Father Xavier was on about?

Probably one of them beats,

you know?

It's a special sacred

meeting place

that only they know about.

(Ralph)

Maybe he's been

into the altar wine.

There's probably more of them

around here than we think.

You know, it takes

more than one to tango.

Hang on.

Where's he gone?

There he is.

Don't tell me Burt Nankuvis

has joined the team.

Burt gay?

Nah, he's a plumber.

(Jack)

So, anyway,

I bump into Faith earlier.

She reckons

something most unsavory

has been goin' on

under all our noses.

What?

Ralph Williams

and Vince Hopgood

are having

a homosexual relationship.

Come again?

Well, that's what she said.

Straight from

the horse's mouth.

Bloody hell.

I used to go camping

with those blokes.

Shared a tent.

We all did.

If they're poofers,

I'm Nicole Kidman.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

What is it

with that silly woman?

Someone needs to have

a word with Faith

before she spreads

that nonsense around.

Well, be my guest.

[Banging and water rushing]

Oh, sh*t!

Well, better go

and arrest somebody.

Ooroo.

[Ralph's voice]

I was just telling Vince

he's a good-looking man.

[Upbeat instrumental music]

[Laughs]

[Effemnately]

That's hysterical.

Honestly, you're a couple

of sillies.

[Laughs]

What on Earth would I do

with a... ugh... woman?

Well, on Tuesday,

you did that.

Wednesday,

young Mrs. Yellup,

I believe.

Thursday,

the Crawford girl.

I've gone all hot.

All right, I admt it.

I'm straight.

But look, we can keep this

to ourselves, can't we?

Fellas?

I'm just curious:

Why have

everyone in town think

you're a pillow biter?

I'm a hairdresser,

for f***'s sake.

It's what they expect.

Anyway,

it makes them feel comfortable

to think I'm one of the girls.

Plus no one suspects

you're tomcatting

half the wives and daughters

around the district.

Yeah, well.

Look, any chance

I can buy these photos?

No.

However,

we would be willing

to trade them.

Trade them?

For what?

First, you have to learn

to think gay.

So from now one,

it's not "me" or "I."

No, no, no.

You refer to yourselves

as "she" and "her."

Got it?

Right.

Secondly, it's all

a matter of learning

some body language

and some gestures.

First and most importantly,

the walk.

Now, hold your hand out

as if you're being led

onto the dance floor

by Prince Charmng.

Who?

Prince Charmng.

Listen to me, please.

Head up, bum out.

Think Marilyn Monroe...

crossed with a bit of penguin.

And left shoulder,

right shoulder,

left shoulder,

right shoulder,

left shoulder, pivot.

And I hope you were watching,

because now it's your turn.

(Ralph)

Can you imagine

how people around here

would react

if they thought we were

a couple a whoopsies?

"Same-sex couple," Ralph.

We should show

a bit of respect.

I mean, if it hadn't been

for the good ol' poofters,

we wouldn't be getting

this opportunity.

That's it.

Come on, girls.

Put a bit of swish into it.

That's the way.

For goodness sake.

Tummy in.

Head up.

And turn and look.

And, Vince, show Ralphie how

to do it, please.

And watch Vince.

Vince is turning.

Turn the body.

Turn the head.

Yes, head-body's fine,

but turn your body, then head.

Thank you.

And off you go.

(Vince)

I reckon

it's only a matter of time

before same-sex marriage

is an everyday thing.

Here;

let me help you, mate.

There you go.

That'd be nice.

We could have

a little ceremony.

Nothing flashy, just us

and a couple of friends.

Yeah, maybe we could even go

on a honeymoon.

Or not.

Up she goes.

[Horn honking]

(Eric)

The hips.

There he is.

Go get him, tiger.

[Snarls]

Okay, and turning.

Pivot.

Thank you very much.

Swish, swish, swish.

Vince, for God's sake,

Ralph, come on.

[Snarling]

Ooh, there's some dog poo

on my shoe.

That's it.

Pivot and...

hello, boys.

Okay, and what do you see?

Uh, a charmng young lady.

Mm-hmm.

And what do you see?

Some ponce

playing a piano.

Mm-hmm.

Now, which one

do you find more attractive?

All right, the ponce.

Oh, no, not Rock.

Don't tell me Rock was.

Gay as a bag

of butterflies.

Where have you been hiding

for the past couple of decades?

Yeah, even I heard

about him

and Gomer Pyle.

Not Gomer Pyle.

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