Strange Brew Page #5

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Bob

That was no goal, you know! That was in the crease!

[White team skates toward Doug]

Doug

Come back and fight, you hosers! Come on, eh?

[White team clobbers Doug, who lays on ice, moaning]

Doug

Oh, my left nut.

[cut to cafeteria, where Pam restarts the video game]

Henry

Careful!

Pam

It's ok...it did that before. Now, I think he just pressed one of

these buttons.

Henry

What are you doing?

Pam

It will just take a moment...

[Screen blips and names re-appear]

Pam

There, see that? See that number? April 4th, that's the day he died.

[Screen blips and shows video footage]

Henry

That's the tape they showed at the inquest! Look!

[Screen shows new footage of Claude and Smith pushing John Elsinore

against electrical fence. Also shows Smith strangling John in the

computer room.]

Pam

They killed him!

Henry

It looks that way.

[cut to locker room]

Doug

Your sucking white skates skate like a figure skater.

Bob

Well, these are like referee skates--at least figure skaters know how

to skate, eh?

Doug

Hey! Somebody horked our clothes!

Bob

Geez! Who'd want to hork our clothes, eh?

Doug

Maybe a couple of these guys got sick and tired of wearing their

pajamas.

Bob

No, they're all out on the ice.

Doug

Let's go report this to our boss, eh?

Bob

No, let's go see if there's a lost and found.

Doug

No, let's report this to our boss.

Bob

No, lost and found's a better idea.

[Bob and Doug wander around. Doug sneezes into brewery vat.]

[Cut to Pam and Henry entering control room]

Pam

Have you ever been in here before?

Henry

Yeah, but I've not seen any of this stuff before. You certainly

don't need any of this kind of hardware to make beer.

[cut to Bob and Doug in corridor]

Bob

I don't think we're going to find no lost and found, eh?

Doug

I told you that was a mistake.

[Doug hits Bob's armour and hurts his hand]

Doug

Ow!

[cut back to control room]

Pam

Who's that? [looking at monitor]

Henry

That's Smith's assistant. Look! Every camera in the place is tied

into this console! [they see themselves]

Pam

That's us!

Henry

They don't even trust themselves!

[They see what appears to be Bob and Doug behind them]

Pam

It's the guys!

[Smith and Claude shoot them with their guns]

Claude

Are you sure we didn't kill them?

Smith

Just shut up! I have it all worked out.

[Ted enters lab and startles Claude, who shoots him]

Claude

Ted!

Smith

You stupid idiot! Now he'll be asleep for two hours!

[cut to Bob and Doug drinking from beer tank]

Bob

Woooooo!! Beer shot!

Doug

Don't waste it! Here, give me that!

[Doug squirts Bob with beer]

Bob

Take off, you hoser.

[cut to Smith and Claude dragging Pam and Henry down stairs]

Smith

I told you, we take them to the loading dock and put them in beer

kegs. Hurry!

[cut to Bob and Doug blundering into computer room]

Doug

Aw, geez look at this place!

Bob

Geez, what is this place?

Doug

It's a nuclear bomb shelter!

Bob

Geez, let's get bombed!

Doug

There's probably beer here somewhere.

Bob

Yeah!

Doug

Shhh! There's a guy over there [points to Ted].

Bob

Hey, there's the game we were all in! Hey, what's with this guy. Hey,

you! [taps Ted on shoulder and Ted falls over]

Doug

You killed him! He's dead! I'm a witness! Police, police, my

brother's a murderer!

Bob

I didn't do that! Take off!

Doug

He's not dead, look, his stomach's moving.

Bob

Maybe he's just sleeping, eh?

Doug

Maybe he's going to puke--he had too many beers.

Bob

Where are the beers?

Doug

I'll find them.

[Bob inspects console]

Bob

Hey, here's the organ they was using, eh? [he starts to play]

[Doug plays with some equipment and a disk shoots out]

Doug

Hey, bootlegs! No wonder everything's so secret around here, they've

got pirates!

[Bob ignores him and Doug stuffs disk in his shorts]

Bob

Hey, this piano has a computer on it! I don't know how to work it,

eh?

Doug

It figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer.

Bob

Oh yeah, Mr. Wizard.

Doug

Here, let me try, I'm a genius.

Bob

Those hosers are skating around in a circle.

[Doug plays Great White North theme, making the skaters fight]

Bob

Beauty, eh? Hey, that song's making them fight, eh? Do it again.

[Bob and Doug act the part of hockey announcers]

Bob

Delvecio has hurt Gretzky and they're in the dressing room trying to

find out what's to be done...

Doug

Polfer and Holman have been fighting terribly. Of course Frank

Mohammad is one of the strongest guys in the league, he made out ok,

but what a fight!

Bob

And now somebody has thrown an octopus out on the ice and Litzenburger

and Saunders are going...

[Bob and Doug slump to the floor, having been shot by Smith and Claude]

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[SCENE TWELVE - The loading dock]

[Claude loads kegs into Bob and Doug's van]

Claude [to Ted]

How are the brakes?

Ted

They got two stops, then no brakes.

Claude

Good work! Listen, about that shooting business...I'm sorry about that,

I didn't mean it.

[Claude honks the horn and wakes up Bob and Doug, who are asleep in the

front seats]

Claude

You boys have a nice nap?

Doug

How's it going?

Claude

You're doing a great job here, but I have a special assignment for you.

My daughter, you know, Pamela, she's having her birthday, and I want to

deliver a couple of kegs...very special kegs, for the party.

Bob

Geez, these have beer in them, these big kegs?

Claude

Beer? Oh, yes, beer...for the party. Look, here's the map...you must

follow this route precisely, because otherwise you'll get lost and

she'll be disappointed...

[The loony patients shuffle on scene]

LaRose

Hey! Where you guys going, eh?

Claude

What? Shhh! Get out of here!

Bob

Hey, Rosie! We're going to Pam's birthday, you coming?

Claude

It's, uh, a business trip. They're going on a business trip.

Doug

Ok, so we just go down to Lakeside Park here, eh?

Claude

That's right. It's right at the bottom of the hill. You can't miss it,

it's right at the bottom of the BIG hill. Now you'd better get

started, or you'll be late!

LaRose

I'll go with you, eh?

Claude

No, open the door. Open the door...open the door.

Bob

We're going to get loaded on this beer, eh?

[Claude and LaRose open the bay door and the van drives out. The

loonies close in around Claude. Smith enters.]

Claude [to Smith]

Listen, everything's under control. Don't worry, I took care of it.

Smith

So I heard.

Claude [to loonies]

Please! Do you mind? It's getting a little crowded here...

Smith

Send those lunatics back to the institute! We have to follow the van!

Claude [to loonies]

Back to the institute! We have to follow the van!

Smith

Do as I say!

Claude

Back! Back! Go back! Go back! [to Smith] Follow the van? Oh, just to

make sure! That's a great idea, a great idea!

Smith

Get in!

Claude

I'll drive...

[cut to car following van]

Bob

Hey, did you feed Hosehead this morning?

Doug

Uh, no, I forget. Well, he was sleeping, eh?

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