Strange Brew Page #6

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Bob

Well make up your mind, eh?

Doug

He was sleeping.

Bob

Well, maybe we should go back and feed him?

Doug

What, in case the party goes all night?

Bob

We got two kegs!

[Doug slams on the brakes, almost causing Claude to run into the van]

Bob

What are you doing!?

Doug

Uh, I was just testing the brakes, eh? They felt a little soft.

Smith

[as van turns off route] Where are they going?

Claude

I don't understand it! I gave them a map. It was all very clear!

Smith

Follow them...

[Bob and Doug pull up in front of their house]

Doug

Ok, don't be a hog, eh? We just have time for one quick one...

Bob

Ok...last one in the house is, uh, a big idiot.

Doug

Take off, eh?

[Doug yanks Bob's collar and enters house]

Doug

I win, eh?

Bob

[surveying messy house] Aw, geez, look at this. Dad really got into

the beers, eh?

Doug

Where are they? Mom? Dad?

[Bob and Doug blunder into their parents room to find them 'bonding']

Dad

Take off, eh?

Mom

Get out!

Bob

Sorry...

Doug

Geez, I didn't think that they still...

[Hosehead confronts them as they leave, growling]

Doug

Get him his bowl quick, or he'll kill us!

Bob

Yeah, he's got a funny look in his eye!

[Camera shows Hosehead's view -- Bob and Doug appear as T-Bone steaks.]

[cut to car outside]

Smith

What the stink are they doing in there?

Claude

Would you like me to tilt your chair back?

Smith

Shut up.

[cut back to house]

Bob

Twenty cans ought to be enough, eh? [to Hosehead] Listen, we're going

to a party. Don't eat the furniture.

Doug

[fiddling with pants] I've got to get some new underwears! [he produces

the disk from the lab]

Bob

Geez! Bootlegs!

Doug

You remember where we got this?

Bob

Yeah, it was when we were running off them pirates, eh?

Doug

Yeah, was that a dream or what?

Bob

It was no dream, it was in your underwears!

Doug

Ok, let's see...this is one of those new square records that goes in a

record player that's, like, on it's side.

[Doug places the disk on his turntable]

Bob

No way, that's an EP from some British new wave band!

Doug

Take off! You don't know.

Bob

Yeah, they bootleg those, eh?

[Doug plays the disk...it begins to squeal]

Doug

What do you think?

Bob

Sounds like a British new wave band!

Doug

Not my style of music...hey Hosehead! Here's another one for your

collection! [tosses disk to dog, who catches it in his mouth]

Bob

Beauty! Hank Aaron...I wonder if he can hit?

[cut to outside of house]

Smith

There they are!

[Bob and Doug stumble into van]

Bob

Hey, who's driving, eh?

Doug

I am, because you're too loaded to drive!

Bob

I am not! I'm just getting warmed up for the party, eh?

Doug

You can't drink and drive at the same time, you hoser!

[van takes off, leaving a pool of brake fluid behind. Claude follows.

Cut to LaRose on motorcycle, heading for the party, wearing his hockey

mask.]

[cut to Smith's car]

Claude

It's nice to get away from the brewery, you know. Take a little

drive, you know.

[cut to van]

Bob

Did you ever notice that, like, in movies when they're driving they

don't look at the road for a long time?

Doug [turning to Bob]

Geez, no, I never noticed that, eh?

Bob

Yeah, it's because they're being towed by a rig.

[Doug nearly front ends a truck...cops start following them]

[cut to Smith's car]

Smith

We have them now!

Claude

Just like I told you...

[cut to van, which has started to careen down the BIG hill]

Bob

What's going on? Will you stop this thing? Come on!

Doug

The brakes aren't working!

Bob

Try the parking brake!

Doug

Take off! The parking brake NEVER works! [takes hands off wheel] No

point in steering now...

Bob

Take off! You steer this thing!

[van enters pier area, the back doors fling open and the keg containing

Henry tumbles out and is struck by the pursuing cop car. The van goes

up a ramp of crates and jumps out into the bay. As it hits the water,

the other keg falls out, and as the van sinks, Pamela emerges and

struggles to the surface. LaRose gets off his bike and dives into the

bay to save Pam. He saves Pam, but he sinks to the bottom, coming to

rest on the van's roof... The police remove the lid from Henry's keg.]

Henry

HELP!

Policeman

You'd better call an ambulance...

[The police help Pam from the bay. The inspector arrives.]

Policeman

They're down at the end of the wharf, sir.

Inspector

All right, you'd better follow us there.

Policeman

Ok, you guys follow him.

[Smith's car arrives. The inspector meets Pamela.]

Inspector

Ok back off, let's have a look here. [to Pam] You all right?

[Smith shoots Pam with tranquilizer gun. Pam faints.]

Inspector

Ok, she's fainted--call an ambulance.

Policeman 2

It's on it's way, sir!

[Smith's car takes off. The policemen look out into the water.]

Inspector

They've been down there ten minutes?

Policeman 3

Yes, sir.

Inspector

No one can survive that long. Not Houdini, not nobody.

[Camera backs out from the pier...]

******************** INTERMISSION ********************

[Back at the pier...Henry is being loaded into an ambulance. Cut to

police divers approaching van...they find Bob, Doug, and LaRose

drinking beer in the front seat. Diver shows badge to Doug who

produces his driver's license. Cut to newspaper headlines...first a

women's underwear sale, then hand flips newspaper over to reveal real

headline -- BEER HEIRESS SNATCHED! A picture of Bob and Doug

accompanies the article. Cut to police station, where Bob and Doug are

getting finger-printed...]

Bob

Hey hoser!

Doug

What? [Bob smears ink all over Doug's face...they fight.]

Policeman 4

Allright, break it up!

[Cut to mug shots...both have ink all over them. FYI

Bob's number is 789709 and Doug's is 789708]

Doug

Those big cons are going to love you, eh?

Bob

What do you mean?

Doug

You're a cute little guy...they're going to be loving you from dawn to

dusk.

Policeman 4

Turn!

Bob

Where you going to be?

Doug

I'll be in the cafeteria selling smokes!

[cut to lineup]

Policeman 4

All right, single file, down here, snap it up! Come on, move it!

Hands out of your pockets! Back against the wall! Look straight

ahead! Feet together! Straighten up! Ok, that's it.

Doug

Ok, eh?

Bob

Gee, they're going to kill us...

Inspector [to Pam]

Try to pick out the men who kidnapped you.

Doug [pointing to Pam]

That's her!

Bob [to Pam]

Hey, how're you doing...

Policeman 4

Get back there!

Bob

No, that's her! She was...

Policeman 4

Get back, quiet!

Doug

He can't get any further back, or you'd...

Policeman 4

Shut up! [Doug makes a GREAT face...]

[Bob and Doug get thrown into a cell with a bunch of BIG thugs. Cut to

inspector questioning Claude. Pam is watching Tom and Jerry.]

Inspector

What did the doctor say?

Claude

Catatonic schizophrenia.

Inspector

What?

Claude

Schizophrenia, marked by an excessive and sometimes violent motor

activity, or by generalized inhibition.

Inspector

Sounds like you just picked that out of the dictionary!

Claude

No, no, no. That's exactly what the doctor said. I have a

photographic memory, you know.

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