Strange Brew Page #7

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Inspector

Really?

Claude

Oh yes, I never forget a thing.

Inspector

Well, that might be useful in my investigation of this case...

Claude

Well, feel free to call on me at any time.

[They walk through hallway.]

Inspector

My compliments on the many fine things you have in your home.

Claude

Well, thank you.

Inspector [pointing to statue]

Bonaparte?

Claude

Uh, Napoleon actually.

Inspector

Oh. What does a thing like that cost?

Claude

Oh, four or five thousand dollars. I don't remember.

Inspector [pointing to another statue]

Who chiseled this?

Claude

It was some...sculptor. I can't remember. I'm terrible on names...

Inspector

I thought you said you had a photographic memory?

Claude

Well, normally I would...but I, uh...

[Claude's wife enters.]

Claude's wife

Darling!

Claude

Ah! My wife.

Claude's wife

You didn't tell me we had company!

Claude

I think you know the inspector, dear...

Claude's wife

Hello...

Claude

My wife...

Claude's wife

How is she?

Claude

She's about the same, I'm afraid.

Claude's wife

I don't know what's wrong with her. She hasn't said a word since the

accident. I hope it's not something I've done...

Claude

No, no, or course not. Well, the inspector has to leave...

Claude's wife

Oh, wouldn't you like a drink or something?

Claude

No, he wouldn't. He'd love to, but he has to run.

Claude's wife

Oh.

Inspector

Right. I hope she'll be able to testify tomorrow morning.

Claude

Who? Oh! Yes. We hope so.

Inspector

Good night.

Claude's wife

Bye.

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[SCENE THIRTEEN -- Jail cell]

Doug [to cons]

Chimp here does the killing [points to Bob]. I don't like to kill. I'm

the brains, eh? Like, we've got over five billion dollars in our

hideout, only some of the money is marked, eh, so we're not spending

it. We're just waiting.

Head con

Would you guys like a smoke?

Doug

No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us! We told them we

didn't want a lawyer, eh? Chimp here'd probably just kill him

anyway...lawyers are for sucks!

Policeman 5

McKenzie brothers! You're lawyer's here!

[Bob and Doug run quickly from cell. Cons try to kill them.]

Policeman 5

You can talk in here.

Bob

Ok, eh?

Jack

Hi, I'm Jack Hawkland, your lawyer.

Doug

How's it going, eh?

Bob

I remember you from the office.

Jack

You're very observant. I'll make this as simple as possible. The two

of you have been charged with kidnapping under section 2471 of the

criminal code. The offense of kidnapping is comprised of two elements,

both of which must be satisfied before a conviction may lie. The first

element, Actus Reus, which was satisfied on October the tenth, 1983,

when you, Robert and Douglas McKenzie, did kidnap one Pamela

Elsinore...

Bob

Wait a second, like we didn't do it!

Doug

That's right, we're innocent!

Jack

If you're innocent, you've got nothing to fear... [they all begin

laughing.]

Bob

Beauty, eh?

Doug

We'll get off, eh?

[cut to computer room]

Ted

Exhibit A. It's an open a shut case. [Video tape shows people in Bob

and Doug's clothes shooting Pam and Henry, then loading their bodies

into kegs.] Should I time code it?

Smith

Yes. Now what about that missing disk? [Ted hits a button and video

shows Doug putting disk in his underwears.] How did he get the code?

Ted

Random chance.

Smith

That's impossible! Play it back. Give me magnification on the code

pad. [camera zooms in on pad, shows Doug's fingers hitting buttons.]

That's not our code! Get me the John Elsinore disk! [Ted tries to get

the disk, but it isn't there and all the others spit out.]

Ted

Ahhhh!

Smith

Look! Look at this! [monitor shows Smith murdering John Elsinore.

Fireball bounces around room.]

Ted

What the heck was that!?

Smith

There's no scientific explanation for it...so it's pointless to worry.

[Smith and Ted gather disks and count them.] 11, 12, 13...they knew

exactly what they were doing! They took the one disk that would

incriminate me!

Ted

What are we going to do now?

Smith

We will move toward Oktoberfest as planned, and I will not

underestimate our little friends again. [Smith leans on the world

map.]

Ted

Do you want me to light it up?

Smith

No.

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[SCENE FOURTEEN -- the courtroom]

Jack

It's the press...I'll handle them. [He beats the reporters up with

karate, tossing one off the ledge.]

Reporter

Arrrgghhh!

Jack

THAT'S how you handle the press! [Female reporter attacks Jack, but he

beats her up, too.] We're late! Let's go!

Bob [to Doug]

Remind me to pay his bill on time...

Doug

Chuck Norris for the defense, eh? Beauty...

[They head for the courtroom. Cut to session.]

Jack

Your worship, I wish to plead my clients guilty to statutes 125 and 233

of the criminal code, and not guilty to all other charges due to mental

incompetence.

Prosecutor

Objection! You cannot split pleas like that!

Bob [to Doug]

Two bowls of split-plea soup to go, eh!? [Doug laughs, snorts, and his

nose starts to bleed.] You got a bleeding nose?

Doug

Yeah...

Bob

Your honor? Mr. Judge, sir...my brother has a bleeding nose. He needs

some Kleenex or something. [Doug tried to wipe his nose on Bob's

shirt.] Take off, eh!?

Judge [to clerk]

Clerk, please...

Bob

The clerk's going to get you some Kleenex...

[After time lapse, the video Ted fabricated is shown.]

Prosecutor [to Claude]

And this, sir, is the same tape that your engineer retrieved from the

video camera that monitors the activity in your brewery?

Claude

Yes, and I'd like to point out that this tape have not been tampered

with or edited in any way. It even has a time code on it, and those

are very difficult to fake.

Judge

For the benefit of the court, will you please explain 'time code'?

Claude

Just because I don't know what it is doesn't mean I'm lying!

[cut to Doug with HUGE ball of Kleenex on his nose]

Bob

Geez, it usually stops bleeding by now...are you ok?

Clerk [to bailiff]

This isn't working...we need something else...quick, a couple bullets.

Bob

Maybe we should call the Red Cross or something...

Doug

Good idea! Beauty! [he shoves bullets up nose.]

Bob and Doug

Beauty, clerk!

Judge

May I remind you two idiots that this is a court of law?

Bob

He's the one with the bleeding nose, I didn't do anything...

Judge

Proceed, counsellor.

Jack [to Smith]

Would you state your name and occupation, please?

Smith

Dr. B.M. Smith, resident head of psychiatry at the Royal Canadian

Institute for the Mentally Insane.

Jack

Now, Dr. Smith, we know you are familiar with this case. The victim,

Pamela Elsinore, is currently under your care at the R.C.I.M.I.

Smith

That is correct.

Jack

Dr. Smith, would you say that you are sufficiently familiar with the

defendants to give us a...preliminary diagnosis?

Smith

I am. I would say, without a doubt, that they suffer from paranoid

schizophrenia.

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