Strange Brew Page #8

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Jack

Would you kindly explain to the court what that means?

Smith

Well, that is, schizophrenia, marked by excessive and sometimes

violent motor activity, or by generalized inhibition. [Claude avoids

the Inspector's glance.]

[cut to Bob and Doug on the witness stand]

Bob and Doug

I do!

Bob [to Doug]

I guess we're married now, clerk. Where's the honeymoon? [He takes the

microphone..] Hoda, hoda. Get me a toasted back-bacon and hold the

toast...

Doug

Don't make me laugh, eh?

Judge

I must instruct you not to speak unless you are spoken to!

Bob

Geez, he's starting to sound like the old man...pretty soon he'll be

sending me out for beers.

[Doug laughs too hard and the bullets fire, ruining the courtroom.

Everybody ducks and screams.]

Judge

All right! Order! Until the victim is mentally fit for trial, I want

these...two...LUNATICS...confined under the psychiatric care of Dr.

Smith at the Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane. This

hearing is adjourned! [bangs gavel.]

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[SCENE FIFTEEN -- The loony bin, Bob and Doug in padded cell in strait-

jackets. Bob rolls toward Doug.]

Doug

Take off! Don't go over that line! This is MY side of the room. You

stay on your side!

Bob

What line? I don't see any line! If you put your mouth over...

Doug

Take off or I'm going to do the steamroller on you!

Bob

Take off! No way! [Doug rolls over Bob.]

Bob

Arrggghh!

Doug

Steamroller!

Bob

I'm steamrolling YOU! [He rolls after Doug, but Doug rolls on him

again.]

Doug

Steamroller!

[Ted enters the room.]

Ted

Hello, fellows. My name is Ted and I'm happy to be working with you.

[cut to two orderlies wheeling Pam to another room]

Orderly 1

Should I reconnect this? [pointing to IV]

Orderly 2

Forget it. Doctor Smith is doing the lobotomy in the morning.

[cut to hospital -- LaRose's room. Claude, in Doctors coat, fills a

syringe with poison and prepares to inject LaRose. Man in bed next to

him enters cardiac arrest and calls for nurse. A nurse enters the

room.]

Nurse

Oh, doctor! Thank heaven you're here! [she prepares man having heart

attack for injection, seeing Claude has a syringe in hand. Claude

injects the man, who promptly dies.] We lost him! What did you give

him?

Claude

Uh, this is just the thing...a hypodermic needle. Excuse me. [he leaves

room.]

Nurse

Stop that man! Stop him!

[LaRose gets up and leaves hospital un-noticed. Cut to entrance gate.]

Attendant

$6.50 please. [Claude hands him a stethoscope and head light.]

Claude

Here, this ought to be worth $6.50.

Attendant

No I don't want this! I want $6.50! I've got your license plate

number! You rich bum! [He sees LaRose stealing car.] Hey, you!

$6.50! Let me see your ticket! [LaRose grabs attendant and holds up

both fists.]

LaRose

All I've got are two fives!

[cut to hospital room]

Inspector

Who was in this bed?

Nurse

John LaRose.

Inspector

John LaRose the hockey player?

Nurse

I don't know...yes...I guess so.

Nurse 2

Is this the available bed? [wheels in Henry Green.]

Nurse

No, he's, I don't know where he is. This is the one... he's dead.

Nurse 2

Well, get him out of that bed...

Nurse

That's NOT my job, I'm sorry!

Nurse 2

What do you mean that's not your job? You want him to mummify?

[Nurses argue while Henry Green leaves hospital.]

[cut to loony bin, Ted questioning Bob and Doug.]

Ted

What have you done with the disk?

Doug

What are looking at me for? I haven't got it. [lie detector sits

still--Ted taps it.]

Bob

Maybe it's out of gas? [Doug farts loudly.] Oh, you farted!

Doug

No, I didn't. It was the chair, eh?

Bob

He's lying! Check the machine!

Doug

I'm not lying!

Ted [checking machine]

He's lying all right!

Bob [fanning air]

I don't need a machine to tell me that!

Doug

I didn't do it, I swear!

Bob

Aw, geez...don't slice the cheese in here, will you?

Doug

Take off!

[Ted makes faces and takes Bob and Doug to electro-shock therapy.]

Doug

Don't be a bully, eh? [points to loonies at end of hall] There's the

guys that horked our clothes! [waves to them.]

Bob

Hey! How come you're not playing hockey, eh?

Doug

[as Ted shoves him into room] Hey, I know my rights!

Bob

[looking into other room] Hey, who's in this room? [sees Pam] It's

Pam! Pam is in there! [Ted grabs him] Ow!

Ted

Now don't touch anything, I'll be right back. [he locks the door.]

[cut to outside -- LaRose arrives and tries to gain entrance.]

[cut to Bob and Doug's house. Police try to enter. The missing disk

drops from the roof at the policemen's feet.]

Inspector

What was that?

[Hosehead rolls up the roof.]

Policeman 5

Let's get out of here. [The inspector retrieves the disk.]

[cut back to electro-shock room. Bob is giving Doug shocks.]

Bob

How was that, eh?

Doug

Beauty! Take it up to thirty this time!

Bob

No way, eh? It's my turn! I want...[phone rings--Bob answers it]

Doug

Ok, I'll just disconnect these...

Bob

Hello? No, he's not here. He, uh, went to get a pizza. Who's this?

[guy hangs up] Geez. He hung up, eh? [Bob jumps on bed.]

Doug

Put this in your mouth so you don't bite your tongue, ok? Let's try the

head this time!

Bob

Ok!

Doug

Beauty! If you'd stick to your twelve-point maintenance plan we

wouldn't have to jump start you like this, but oh no, you had to do it

your way! You think you know everything. Here we go, I think we're

going to take it up to 90 this time! [Ted arrives.]

Ted

Hey! Get away from there! Don't touch those things! No, no, no, no,

no! You're always touching things!

Doug

Take off, eh?

Bob

He's party-pooping, eh? Hey! Some guy called while you were out, eh?

Ted

The phone? For me?

Bob

Yeah. [to Doug] Do it now, eh?

Doug

No! No way...he'll get me!

Bob

Aw, come on! What about my turn!?

Doug

Let's do this instead!

Bob

Hey! [LaRose enters room.]

Bob

How's it going, eh?

LaRose

Shhh!

Bob

It's going pretty good, eh?

LaRose

Shhhhhh! [LaRose knocks Ted out.]

Doug

He doesn't like him very much!

LaRose

Pam! Where's Pam? I've got to find Pam!

Bob

Geez, I saw her down the hall but she was dozing off, eh?

LaRose

Come on!

Doug

Come on!

Bob

Aw, geez! We've got to come back for my turn, eh?

[cut to hospital parking lot]

Attendant

[to cop] One guy drove away with the car from here, and he gave me

this, maybe he's a doctor! And one guy stole the car from over

there...my coat, too!

Policeman 6

Ok, let's take a look, sir.

Attendant

He was not wearing any clothes, he was wearing pajamas...he stole my

coat, and hit me! [Henry Green steals the cop car.] Hey! $6.50!

[cut back to Pam's room]

Pam [to LaRose]

But I saw you drown!

LaRose

They saved my life!

Pam [to LaRose]

You saved my life. [Orderly 2 enters.]

Orderly 2

Hey! What are you doing in here?

Doug

Oh, uh, we're from the Department of Justice and we're, uh, adjusting

the beds. This is Mr. Roy, our consultant. [LaRose elbows orderly.]

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