Strange Brew Page #9

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Bob

Geez! Two minutes for elbowing!

LaRose

Let's get out of here!

[They run from room. The lights short out and the loonies are set

free. The loonies run off.]

Bob

What's going on, eh? Where are all these hosers going?

LaRose

There's a tunnel to the brewery!

Pam

Let's go!

Bob

I'm not playing hockey again!

Doug

Geez, a tunnel to the brewery! Take off, how convenient!

[Henry Green rams down the brewery gates.]

[cut to Smith in computer room. Claude comes in.]

Claude

What is it you want? What's going on here? Didn't we pay our electric

bill?

Smith

The circuits are fusing! The computers, the surveillance

system...everything seems to be overloading! And I think Ted is dead!

Claude

Ted? [Monitors flare in red...John's face appears] Oh my gosh! Look!

It's him, it's my brother! Oh no! John, he want's revenge! I know it!

He's going to kill us! I didn't do it! [pointing to Smith] It wasn't

me! It wasn't me! It wasn't me! [to Smith] Turn this thing off! I

should never have listened to you! [Smith grabs Claude from behind.]

Smith

SHUT UP! I could crush your head like a nut, but I won't, because I

need you. Now, go to the loading dock. Make sure the trucks leave for

Oktoberfest as planned. Do as I say! [he squeezes Claude's head.

Claude leaves.]

Claude

Ow!

[cut to tunnel to brewery]

LaRose

They put some stuff in the beer, and they make us drink it every day!

Pam

My father must have found out about that. That's why they killed him!

LaRose

Come on!

Bob

How long is this tunnel, eh?

Doug

I'm having a heart attack!

[they enter the brewery]

Pam

Wait! I want to go the cafeteria!

LaRose [points to Bob]

Ok, you go with her! You [Doug] come with me! Be careful!

Pam

Don't worry, I will!

[Bob and Doug stare at each other as violin music plays in the

background.]

Bob

See you, eh?

Doug

Yeah. Good day, eh?

[They run off.]

Doug [to LaRose]

Geez, I'm sure glad we got rid of them, eh? They were really starting

to bug me.

LaRose

Come on, let's go!

[cut to Bob and Pam--Bob weeping on Pam's shoulder]

Pam

You mean you've never been apart?

Bob

No! Never! We've always stuck together...

[Smith appears]

Smith

Stay where you are or I'll kill you! [Bob faints.] Where's the other

one?

Pam

He's dead, Smith! You killed him!

Smith

Oh, good. That's one less to worry about. Now come this way... [Pam

picks up Bob.]

[cut to loading dock]

Claude

[to worker] Come on! Hurry up, let's go! [worker flips him off] I saw

that!

[cut to loony bin entrance--police searching stolen car. The inspector

arrives.]

Inspector

These the one stolen from the hospital?

Policeman 4

That's it.

Inspector

Japanese, eh?

Policeman 4

Yes, sir.

Inspector

The whole world is made in Japan.

Policeman 4

Could be, sir.

[cut to brewery vat room]

Smith [to Pam and Bob trapped in vat]

How ironic! You came here with a mouse in a bottle, now you are the

mouse! As for you, my dear...

Pam

Don't worry about me, Smith! I wrote everything I know in a letter

and mailed it to the newspapers!

Bob

When did you do that?

Smith

Very good, my dear. Cunning, right to the end. But unfortunately we

find the mail system unreliable here. So we use private couriers.

Nice try! It's really too bad you won't be around to see the whole

word become addicted to Elsinore beer... In a few hours I will

introduce my special formula to the public at Oktoberfest. When they

drink enough, they will do whatever I tell them.

Bob

You know people can tell what's in beer, eh. Like my brother can tell

the difference between beers by what his burps taste like.

Smith

Your brother is dead. [slams vat shut.]

Pam

He's not really dead. I just told him that when you fainted! [vat

starts to flood with beer.]

Bob

Can I buy you a beer?

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[SCENE SIXTEEN -- the hockey rink]

[Loonies dressed in hockey attire run from locker room, LaRose and Doug

among them.]

LaRose

Do you remember what to do?

Doug

I think so.

[cut to vat, Bob and Pam knee deep in beer.]

Bob

My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven,

eh? Now he's not here, and I got two soakers... This isn't heaven,

this sucks!

Pam

Don't talk. Try and use as little oxygen as possible,

then maybe when the level rises we can get up to that porthole!

[Pam and Bob are now up to chest level in beer.]

Pam

[looking around curiously] I think it's getting warmer in here.

Bob

[looking guilty] I didn't notice anything.

[cut to loading dock, trucks leaving, black hockey team enters on

forklift with Doug.]

Claude:
No fellas. No exercises today. [team jumps off of lift and

enters formation.] No fellas, forget about it! [Doug gives Great White

North theme and the team advances on Claude, knocking him onto

conveyor belt.] You can't do this to me! I'm in charge here!

[cut to computer room, Smith waits at bottom of stairs with

tranquilizer guns. White team enters with LaRose. Smith dispatches

many of them with his unexplained super strength. LaRose duels with him

with hockey stick and knocks him into world map, which explodes with

red light and kills Smith.]

Smith

Arrrrg!

[LaRose notices computer screen with John Elsinore's face which flashes

to a shot of vat 19, which has a capacity of 6,000 gallons. He runs

to vat.]

[cut to loading dock where Claude emerges from the conveyor belt,

plastered with beer labels and bottle caps. The black team dances

around him until the cops arrive and cart him away.]

[cut to Doug and LaRose in the vat room.]

LaRose

Come on! They're in the vat room! Let's go. [they reach vat 19] Ok,

stand back. This is really going to blow! [he opens the hatch at

bottom of vat.]

Doug

It didn't blow! [LaRose opens the hatch all the way] Anybody home?

Pam

[emerging from the tank] I can't believe it; he drank it all! You've

got to help him. You've got to get him out of there.

Doug

[looking in vat at Bob] Oh no!

Bob

[swollen to gigantic proportions] Geez, I've got to take a leak so bad

I can taste it!

[cut to brewery hallway, where the inspector and police run into Pam.]

Inspector

What are you doing walking around? I thought you were supposed to be

sick!

Pam

There's a guy back there trapped in a vat; somebody tried to kill

him!

Inspector

You stay here. [to cops] Come on! [Pam ignores him and runs to

cafeteria. Inspector arrives at the vat. To Doug] All right, out of

the way!

Doug

Cops!

Inspector

[looking in vat] How did he get in here!?

Doug

I didn't do it!

Inspector

Well, how are we going to get him out of there?

Policeman 5

We could try to cut him out with a blowtorch.

Policeman 3

You couldn't cut through that with a torch.

Inspector

I don't know. We need an explosives expert!

Doug

No! Don't blow him up! He's my brother! Please don't hurt him!

Bob

[from vat] Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Doug

He's going to take a leak! Get out of the way! [They all flee hastily

from the vat. Bob releases an enormous belch which blows the vat

open.]

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