Submission Page #4

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- [woman] Absolutely.

- Good for us.

- Yes! - Yes.

- Cheers!

[all]

Cheers!

[host] So how do Euston's best and

brightest strike you this year?

[man] Well, I don't suppose

it'll come as a shock to say

that each year's entering class seem to have

read less than last year's worst students.

The high schools are definitely

slacking off on their Dryden and Pope.

[man 2] You know, I sort of had an

interesting thing happen the other day.

It was in my

Intro to American Lit.

We're doing Poe.

So I thought I'd give them a little

bio, a little gossip really,

to make things more immediate,

give it a personal touch.

Well, that's what we've been reduced to...

fodder for the talk shows.

Poe and his

13-year-old child bride cousin

discussing their marital

arrangements with Ellen.

- [man groans]

- [laughing]

I'm sure

everyone would tune in.

[woman] They would.

They would though.

S-So anyway, as I'm talking

about Poe's marriage,

the entire class

gets quiet.

And when I asked them

what the matter was,

none of them

would answer.

Until one young woman

says,

"We've been studying

the work of a child molester?"

Oh, you've gotta

be kidding.

Poor Edgar Allan.

That's fascinating.

Have the rest of you

found this, um,

heightened consciousness

about those issues?

I never talk to a female student alone

in my office without the door wide open.

Oh?

And I keep a tape recorder in my

desk in case things get dicey.

Last week we were

doing Great Expectations,

and one of my students,

a big beefy jock,

asked me if Dickens meant there

to be a homosexual thing

between Pip

and Magwitch.

He was definitely

trying to bait me.

Maybe he was just looking for a

classically sanctioned way to come out.

I told him I didn't think Dickens meant

us to read a gay subtext into the book

and we should consider

what the writer had intended.

Mmm.

The next day,

a female student told me

that the discussion had

made her feel very "unsafe."

The way she said

that word, "unsafe,"

gave me the chills.

It's a perfectly ordinary word

with a perfectly valid meaning.

So, Lauren, do these things

come up with you?

Of course they come up.

I bring them up.

I want the students to feel safe...

this word that Dave finds so chilling.

I want the students to be able to come to

me if they are experiencing harassment

or anything, really.

I really take them

very seriously.

- I have an idea.

- What's that, Ted?

I think that we have been

giving in without a fight,

that we have been knuckling under

to the most neurotic forces

of repression and censorship.

I think we need to help these

people get over their problems.

We should desensitize them

the way the Scientologists do.

Lock them in a room and shout dirty

words at them until they grow up.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

F***, f***, f***!

Cocksucker!

Motherf***er! A**hole!

- F***, f***, f***.

- Okay...

- Throw in a couple of "c*nts" while you're at it.

- Oh!

Just good, old,

time-tested Anglo-Saxonisms.

And we will be doing

these people a favor.

Emotionally, spiritually,

educationally.

We'll be helping them grow up a lot

faster than if we just coddle them

and indulge

every whim and neurosis.

It just... Aaah!

- Ted's got Tourette's.

- [guests chuckling]

Late onset adult Tourette's.

It's a very rare

condition.

Oh, good, dessert.

I hope everyone has room

for a little jam trifle.

Yum.

- [laughing]

- "Late onset Tourette's"?

- That's what...? What was that?

- I had to say something.

My God, Ted,

what the hell got into you?

"Throw in

a couple of c*nts'"?

I kept expecting your head to swivel

around and for you to projectile vomit.

I don't know. I think it was the whole Poe

on Ellen thing that pushed me over the edge.

- Oh, you're driving.

- Yes, I'm driving.

[exhales] God, what a bunch

of spineless idiots.

[Sherrie laughing]

Imagine my father

seeing me wind up here.

He would've staged a hunger

strike to shut this place down.

- [sighs]

- Ugh.

- Magda's got a huge crush on you, you know.

- [laughs]

Nobody gets a crush on me

anymore.

I'm too old.

[Angela's voice]

"He says, Is this 859-6732?

Is this Angela 911?'

I say, What would you

like to do tonight?'

He says, I'm coming

up to you from behind.

My hand is over your mouth.

I'm bending you over a trash

can, making you open your legs.

You push your ass

against me...'"

- Ted?

- Yeah.

- I'm going to bed.

- Okay. I'll be up in a bit.

[Carlos] "Just then, Eddie

really started to hate mirrors.

Eddie was glad there were no mirrors

on the bottom of the toilet bowls.

He would've had to see his

fat, pale, jellyfish face..."

[Angela's voice]

"He says, Is this Angela 911?'

I say, What would you

like to do tonight?'

He says,

Listen to what I'm doing.

I'm pulling up your skirt,

slapping your thighs just lightly.

You feel my hardness

straining to find release.

You unbutton my...'"

- Coach.

- Yeah?

That's it.

It's great.

Really.

- Very brave work, Carlos.

- Thank you.

Good.

What did everyone

think?

[bell tolling]

[Angela clears throat]

- [Carlos] Hey.

- [Angela] Hey.

Thanks

for what you said.

Oh, yeah, sure.

No sweat.

At least somebody

understands me.

That part where the guy goes on and

on about the dog, that was amazing.

- Doofy.

- Yes. Right.

Doofy.

You walkin'

across the quad?

I got, like, a half an hour before

Western Lit. We could grab a coffee.

I, uh... I can't.

I've, um...

I gotta see what he thought about my

chapter. I'm really nervous about it.

I think

he probably hated it.

- Well, good luck.

- Thanks.

- I'll see you around.

- All right.

Looks like

you made his day.

Well, I was

just telling the truth.

- His story wasn't bad.

- Yeah.

And thank you for not letting another

class devolve into civil war.

Well, don't thank me too fast.

Nothing's for free, you know.

Oh? What's it gonna cost me?

Time. Hard time.

This one...

really sucks.

- Great. I can't wait to read it.

- [both laugh]

Uh, it's from

the mother's perspective,

and it's about

when the parents first meet.

I know I've been giving you so much stuff,

so if it's too much, just let me know.

No, no, it's my pleasure.

Really. I, um...

Uh, just don't be upset with me if it takes

me, you know, a few days to read it.

- Yeah, yeah. No rush.

- Okay.

I'll just be

waiting by the phone.

[chuckles]

- All right.

- All right, thanks. I'll see ya.

All right.

See ya.

[Angela's voice] "It was a

morning like any other.

The alarm went off.

But when I tried to stand, the room

spun until it threw me onto the floor.

I was terrified. I called a

cab and went to the hospital.

The doctor looked in my eyes, my throat,

and said I had an ear infection.

Nothing to worry about.

But as soon as I stood up to leave, I

collapsed again on the examining room floor.

Nurses ran in.

I woke up as the young doctor

was taking my pulse."

[Sherrie]

Are you all right?

"Later. We're married now."

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