Suburban Gothic Page #3

can you pass the syrup?

Oh, sure, honey.

Yes, your mother and I sent you

off to the big city,

and you came back an alcoholic.

I'm not an alcoholic.

Of course,

if I dressed like you,

I might have to have

a few drinks

before I walked

out of the house, too.

Oh, good, so you understand.

You know,

if I had the hair like you,

I'd part it on the other side.

Boys, stop it.

So, I was thinking

that I may organize

a search party for Hector.

Hector's not missing, evey.

He's just a lazy Mexican

piece of sh*t.

Hey, mom,

can I get a ride to my car?

I left it at the bar last night.

Oh, honey, you really shouldn't

be driving that car on the road.

The tags expired years ago.

Yeah, not to mention the fact

that that car

belonged to your mother's cousin

Freddy, the f*ggot.

Don't use that word, Donald.

I also need to refill

my prescription.

Mm.

I'll let Dr. carpenter know.

- Thanks.

- Hey, You're not going anywhere

till you clean up that mess

in the backyard.

Are you serious?

Don't I look serious?

Yeah.

It Would be a nice thing

to do, Raymond.

Your father doesn't ask much.

It's so good

to have you home, honey.

It's great to be home.

Cool.

I'll go clean up the yard,

I guess.

I click my heels

and away we go

No day like this

Now at least I'm a warrior

Can't we survive?

You're still in my brain

I wasted all that time

'Cause I stayed up all day

- Hey.

- Aah!

Oh. What's up?

Have you seen Hector?

Uh, yeah. He's inside taking

a catnap and watching cable TV.

No, I haven't seen Hector!

He f***ing vanished.

That's why I'm out here

doing this work, man.

Oh. Hey, nice ascot.

Thanks. Aah! F***!

Don't f***ing talk to me

like that gay man.

- Sorry, man. I just... ow.

- Listen, I don't work for you.

I work for Hector.

Okay, I understand. I'm sorry.

Good. Look, you need to get

out of this place, man.

- I-I know, I hate it here.

- No, seriously, all right?

You got to get

out of this place.

There's some crazy sh*t

happening here, all right?

Like what?

Like yesterday

while we were digging,

we found a creepy wooden box

over there.

Hector... Hector, he opened it.

It wasn't me.

What was in the box?

It was, like,

a creepy dead girl's,

like, carcass with a nightie.

- Are you f***ing kidding me now?

- No! Look...

you found a dead girl

buried in my dad's backyard?

I hate to break it to you,

all right?

There is an evil spirit

lurking on your property,

and I don't want to f***ing

be here when it shows up,

so I'm out all right?

Sh*t that makes sense.

Honestly, all day something's

been feeling a little bit off.

I thought I just had a hangover.

No, dude. Wake the f*** up!

I only came here

to f***ing raid your fridge,

get my Fanny pack,

and warn you, that's it.

Thank you, man.

I really appreciate it.

Good luck.

Sit down.

Right here.

Now...

Here we go.

All right. -

Let's do this thing.

Good.

Since when do you make

house calls?

Since they gave me

the opportunity

to charge you more money.

Fair enough.

So, is your dad here?

Um, he actually died today.

Good news.

I'm just kidding. He's at work.

Bad news, 'cause he's a dick.

Your father is a scoundrel.

He is a cheater.

And he owes me a lot of money.

My brother, you are preaching

to the choir on that one.

Um... My thing is, I kind of stay

out of other people's business,

so maybe, if you could just give

me my prescription, we could...

you know what?

You don't need

your prescription anymore.

You're perfectly healthy.

Your condition

has corrected itself.

All right let me, uh...

let me just get this straight

for the record.

So, You're... You're saying that

the blood-pressure condition

I've had for the last 15 years,

and been on medication for, has

just magically corrected itself?

Basically, yes.

If You're trying

to get back at my dad

by killing me, I-I don't think

it's gonna work.

The guy... the guy

really hates me.

Raymond,

I have been your physician

since you were born.

I circumcised you.

There's no sort of game

being played here.

You've simply outgrown

your condition.

Simple as that.

Happens all the time.

I got to get the f***

out of this town.

Well, at least aerobics class

will help take my mind

off Hector's disappearance.

Oh, come to think of it honey,

your old friend David's mom

will be there tonight.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Well, once a week,

several of us get together

for a group workout.

No, I mean, are -

are you talking

about Dave Richards?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm not friends with that guy.

He's a total scumbag.

Oh, honey, shush.

His mother says he's working

for the school district now.

I think teaching

is such a noble profession.

Teaching is

a noble profession, mom.

But did his mom

tell you also about how...

and I don't like using

this language in front of you,

but he fingered a girl

who was a sleep

on the back of the bus, and

she didn't even know about it.

Allegedly fingered her.

Ah, what are you doing?!

- Oh, stop.

- Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

- It's that cute little cowlick.

- I know, it's per...

it took like an hour

to get it like this.

Don't touch it. What is this?

We're stopping

at the school first.

Can't have your father

starving now, can we?

God forbid.

I don't care

what your policy is.

He signed a contract.

You have to f***ing tip him?

How's the lawn look?

I'm having trouble

taking the exam

with all these distractions.

Pumpkin, if you want to start

taking your exams

in the quiet room with

all the special-ed students,

I'm gonna need to see

a note from your doctor.

Nice pants.

My sister has the same ones.

Hello? Yes.

Will you slow down, please?

I Can't understand

what you're saying.

Well, you tell him to call me

the second he returns,

comprende?

Gracias.

What was that about?

Take a knee.

Hector has been missing

since last night.

Dad, I think something

weird's going on.

One of his workers came by

this morning looking for him.

- Yeah?

- He said they found

some kind of, like, box

buried in the yard.

Do you know anything about this?

What?

Those f***ing put as.

Did you tell your mother

about this?

- No.

- Don't.

You know how she gets.

All right get out of here.

Time's up.

Exams on the desk.

- Start where we left off?

- Sure.

Hey, how late

are you working tonight?

- Why?

- My mom and her friends

are getting together at

the house for a group workout

and I was thinking maybe

we could hang out.

Sounds terrible.

Us hanging out or my mom

working out with her friends?

Us hanging out.

Yeah.

I agree.

Guess what... Dave Richards' mom

is gonna be there tonight.

Didn't he finger some girl

on the bus while she was asleep?

Allegedly.

Yeah.

Um... Anyway, I guess he's doing

really good for himself.

So I guess it pays

to finger girls on buses.

Dave Richards used to go

to parties in high school

with a condom on his dick

just in case.

I bet that was

a big hit with the girls.

Only me.

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