Sugar and Spice Page #15

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FOOTSTEPS SOUND at the top of the stairwell. Squad quickly

shuts the trunk and sits on it.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Is that you down there?

KANSAS:

Sh*t!

(calling up)

Yeah, Grandma. Me and the squad.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)

Are you girls talking about boys?

Practicing kissing your hands?

KANSAS:

Oh yeah, you caught us...

TWO OLD LEGS with SUP-HOSE and ORTHOPEDIC SHOES STEP DOWN on

the top step. Squad panics. Tries to quietly hide the

trunk.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)

Oh well, then I'll put some cookies at

the top of the stairs for you gals.

KANSAS:

Thanks! That'd be great.

Old legs START BACK UPSTAIRS. Girls relax. Legs STOP, TURN

and head BACK DOWN. Squad springs into action again.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)

You got that big retarded girl down

there?

KANSAS:

Uh...Yeah, Grandma.

(to Hannah)

She doesn't mean that. Kinda lost the

old filter with her last stroke.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)

Then I'll throw a few more treats on the

plate. Where's my smokes?

KANSAS:

I'll get them before "Touched by an

Angel," don't worry.

GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)

You damn well better...

LEGS DISAPPEAR. Squad relaxes.

CLEO:

(loud whisper)

This is great. What do we do? Threaten

people with a trunk full of parts?

FERN:

I'm sorry, you guys. But when you're

dealin' with South American Rebels, you

kinda gotta take what you can get.

Squad AD-LIBS their frustration.

DIANE:

Excuse me, but do you guys know what I

don't see here?

Squad AD-LIBS "No. Uh-uh. What?" etc...

DIANE (CONT'D)

I don't see a problem. I see a great

big craft project sitting right in front

of us. So, Kansas, get me some glue,

tape and a nail file...

The squad looks at each other as Diane rolls up her sleeves

and reaches into the trunk.

DIANE (CONT'D)

Oh, and some Lysol if you have...

MUSIC UP:

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

THE LIST:

3) "Rehearse Robbery" is CROSSED OFF

DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Squad, set up for a girl party, is making a large HALLWAY

POSTER ("Go Mighty Logs!") in the middle of sleeping bags.

They're laughing and having fun as Jack, in Video Barn

uniform, ENTERS from the bedroom, kisses Diane on the head,

waves good-bye to the squad and LEAVES. All freeze for a

beat, then quickly turn over the poster, revealing a detailed

layout of the SAFEWAY/BANK BRANCH.

Cleo opens her OVERNIGHT BAG and pulls out FIVE MODIFIED

DOLLS - she CUT OUT their SCHOOL PICTURES and taped them over

the dolls' faces. ALL PLACE THEIR DOLL IN STARTING

POSITIONS.

Cleo then pulls out a CONAN DOLL (Conan's face over a

shirtless G.I. Joe) who sweeps "her" off her feet and takes

her in frozen foods.

Kansas grabs the Conan Doll, runs into the kitchen and shoves

him head first down the garbage disposal.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

THE LIST:

4) "Teach Farm Cheers" is CROSSED OFF.

DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

ON FAR LEFT:

Squad member does a short cheer sequence.

ON FAR RIGHT:

Fern does her version. Unfortunately she lacks rhythm,

coordination and any amount of sex appeal.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

THE LIST:

Diane RE-WRITES "Teach Fern Cheers" then CROSSES OFF:

5) "Buy baby shower invitations and cigarettes for felons."

DISSOLVE THROUGH LIST TO:

INT. LINCOLN DRUG STORE - DAY

Diane and squad stand at the check-out. Diane places SHOWER

INVITATIONS on the counter. The Older Saleswoman smiles

warmly and touches Diane's belly. Diane smiles, then points

to the cartons of cigarettes behind the counter. The woman

frowns. Diane smiles, points again and holds up ten fingers.

DISSOLVE TO:

CLOSE ON:

Log Mascot Head

BRUCE:

(muffled through head)

Please join our "A" and "B" squad

cheerleaders in a salute to winter

sports!

PULL BACK to REVEAL WE'RE:

INT. LINCOLN HIGH - GYMNASIUM - DAY

It's DECORATED for CHRISTMAS. Fightin' Log Mascot now wears

a Santa Hat and red scarf.

A JAZZ BAND on stage beside him starts up. With a voice like

JIM NEIGHBORS, Bruce TIPS the Mascot Head BACK and launches

into the following to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed

Reindeer."

BRUCE:

(singing slow intro)

"I....see...girls swimming..."

A HUMILIATED B-squad MEMBER - in swimsuit - ENTERS a SIDE

DOOR and pretends to SWIM to CENTER COURT.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

"Boys swimming..."

Another B-squad MEMBER - dressed as a guy in a swimsuit -

"swims" to CENTER COURT.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

"Ooooh, they look chilllyyyyy..."

Squad members pantomime this to the JEERS FROM THE CROWD.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

"Volleyball for her..."

B-squad MEMBER - in volleyball uniform - ENTERS and spikes a

ball. It gets away from her and she has to CHASE IT. Crowd

CHEERS AGAIN.

BRUCE (CONT'D)

EXT. EXTERMINATION VAN - CONTINUOUS

SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN. One by one, the squad, dressed as

PREGNANT BETTYS - MASKS ON, MATCHING JACKETS and each holding

a BOX FOR LONG STEM ROSES - jump out.

NEW ANGLE:

as the MOTION SLOWS and, like a shot out of "Tombstone," the

LINE OF PREGNANT BETTYS disappear around the corner - coats

blowing in the wind.

ANGLE ON:

BACK DOOR ENTRANCE. Cleo grabs the door handle - and it

COMES OFF.

KANSAS:

(panting)

Who are you - the goddamn Bionic Woman?!

CLEO:

I just pulled and it - it came off.

KANSAS:

This is great - GREAT! Now we have to

enter the front door!

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