Suing the Devil Page #8

of laughs, huh?

You couldn't really be Satan,

after all, the Bible clearly states that,

if you resist the devil,

he will flee from you.

- But that doesn't apply to you, does it?

- No.

I... I'm used...

Get thee behind me Satan!!!

Hey, I've got a proposition

for you, buddy.

Come on, Lukey Dukey.

How about it?

I give you everything in this life

you could possibly want.

Riches, a beautiful estate,

horses, huh?

What will it cost me?

My soul?

Oh yes, just your soul,

it's nothing. Your soul...

Oh, you can take that offer

and shove it up your...

Order!

Get back into the

witness stand, sir!

Well, that was very irrational.

In fact, you look pretty

stupid to me now.

What do you think

about that?

Can you please get back

into the witness stand?

Will you shut up?

I haven't finished yet, shut up!

Shut your mouth!

And you, what are you

looking at, huh?

Something funny?

I know all about you.

I know all your secrets, yeah.

- You're gamblers, you're sex addicts...

- Will the witness...

- Shut up!

- Mr. defendant...

- Shut up!

- Will you take the witness stand...

- Sit down!

- Where you are asked to.

- Take your...

- SHUT UP!

I know all about you,

all of you.

I'm watching you.

You want to know the truth?

The real, honest,

gut level truth?

I take sheer delight...

in creating havoc

in the world.

Pitting rich against the poor,

race against race,

country against country,

man against man,

but, most especially,

man against God.

God, oh yeah.

God, God. Yeah, God.

Do you know

what God invented?

I mean, come on, most of you

are too stupid to figure it out.

God created the oceans

and the stars,

he created compassion,

mercy and...

stupid things like love.

He created good health,

raindrops,

and the scent of jasmine.

Do you know what I created, huh?

Do you?

I created noise,

and like the dumb idiots you are,

you worshipped it!

Humans loved the noise

I created!

Car alarms, motorcycles,

leaf blowers,

night clubs, gangster rap,

techno music,

everything that creates noise

I invented.

And you know what?

Noise drowns out

any thoughts of God.

What's the matter?

Don't you love the music of hell?

Let me let you in

on a little secret.

I invented customer service.

Automated answering,

you're looking at it.

Unjust notice?

It's from me.

A huge unjust bill,

that's from me.

A parking ticket?

I own all the utility companies, all the

gas companies and all the parking meters.

Who do you think gives you the parking

tickets, anyway? I do it to rile you,

because I hate

your stinking guts!

You humans, you're pathetic.

You know, I can tempt you

with a candy bar

and you'll sell out Jesus Christ

in a millisecond.

I mean...

people are being massacred in Rwanda,

and you yawn.

People starving in Haiti,

and you put a buck

into the collection plate.

Losers!

What a bunch of losers!

War!

Do you know most wars

are started because of land?

Can you believe that?

Land issues, yeah!

And yet, 75% of all land

isn't occupied,

even in the United States!

Oh yeah, I know,

I started wars,

but it takes nitwits like you

to finish what I started!

I need people who care about

really dumb political issues.

Left wing vs. Right wing,

it's all a distraction,

don't you get it?

You know, you people,

you believe in God like

I believe in the tooth fairy.

Oh, by the way,

I love how I'm portrayed

in the media.

That little cartoon guy

with the pitchfork

and the horns

and the tail.

You humans, you're so stupid.

You're like a bunch of little

hamsters running on a wheel.

You know, everyday

there's people that die,

and guess what?

They're in just two places,

and they're not really dead.

They're either alive in heaven

or alive in hell.

You pick.

Do you know what

my ultimate goal is?

It's to take all you nitwits

to hell with me!

Yeah, well, as the world's coming

to an end, huh? Better be quick!

I suppose you're wondering

why I do what I do.

It's very easy, really.

It's because I hate

your stinking guts!

I hate every single

one of you!

Have a nice day.

Your honor,

we ask the court to please disregard

the complete statement of our client.

He made it under complete

duress from opposing counsel

and under civil

procedure code 598.91,

he cannot be tried

in this court.

The state of our client's

mental health, he's crazy.

Because I do not want

this case appealed,

the testimony will be stricken

from the record.

Oh, your honor, I...

And I am to instruct all of you

in the following.

You will not take

into consideration

any of what the defendant

blurted out.

Only what you have

heard and seen

and witnessed from the facts

and testimonies of the witnesses.

Am I clear?

Counsel for the defense, closing?

Distinguished members

of the jury,

let's take a moment

and think about...

what type of man it would take

to sue someone for 8 trillion dollars.

Self centered,

and egotistical,

an attention seeking man who simply

cannot move on from his own past.

Now as charismatic

as my client can seem,

as much as he wants to play this up

in the courtroom, he is mentally ill.

He is demented,

he needs help,

he needs pity,

not a lawsuit.

And he is no where closer

to being connected to all the evil,

to being Satan himself

than this apple to being the

very one that Eve took a bite from

in the Garden of Eden.

So I'm asking you

to make an opinion today,

and just as any sane,

logical individual would do,

they'll find my client...

not guilty.

And now Mr. O'Brien, closing?

Mr. O'Brien?

Satan has brought up

my past.

And he's right.

I've done some

horrendous things.

I've said some

horrible cruel things.

And I ask the forgiveness

of those I have hurt.

Everyday...

there is a war within me.

I know what I should do.

Sometimes I don't do that.

I know what I shouldn't do.

Sometimes I do that instead.

But that's the battle of choosing

between good and evil.

Between God and Satan.

Everyday it's a struggle

to live a life that

honors Jesus Christ.

But when you give your life

over to Jesus,

well, you're a new person.

Satan's mission is to destroy

the work of God.

We, humans,

are the work of God.

We make mistakes,

and He forgives us.

Let's not allow Satan

to take that away from us.

Make him pay...

for his attempts at

destroying our lives.

Punish him for his hate.

And cherish God

for his love

and his forgiveness.

See, the greatest trick

the Devil ever pulled

was convincing the world

he didn't exist.

But that illusion

is no more.

Thank you.

All rise!

Do you have a verdict?

Yes, your honor.

The jury finds in favor

of the plaintiff

for 8 trillion dollars.

Order!

Order!

And Satan, you can go

straight to hell!

Tasheila Jones,

Channel 2 News,

and we're outside here,

the verdict's just been announced!

How do you feel

about the verdict?

It's a fantastic result!

Luke fought for what he wanted

and he won, he got it!

What do you want,

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