Super High Me Page #3

cannabis, when you use that

word, you're just talking about

straight marijuana.

Half of the patients that come

through here can't smoke because

they're in here for some

smoke-related type of deal, so I

have all types of pills, and

this is lip balm, man.

This is chapstick.

It does the job.

It works?

I have an older gentleman who

swears by this topical spray.

You put it in, boom, you spray

it on, and it actually works.

There's a lot of different ways

of getting THC into your system,

and it's not all about smoking.

Driving to Sacramento, Doug

refuses to sit in the passenger seat.

Sits behind me.

This will all be verified.

It's called "Miss Daisy" style.

He goes -I say, "just don't

fire up in my car.

If you want to, we'll weed it.

We'll pull over and we'll bzzz,

you know," and we drive up to

Sacramento, but stoners are all

like 4-year-olds, and I see him

back there, and he starts firing it up.

And I'm like, "I can see you

through the rearview mirror,"

but stoners are, like I said,

4-year-olds, so he's like, "hee hee!

No one can see me!"

F***ing idiot!

And I'm like, "I smell fire and

smoke and marijuana and

everything," and he's like,

"I'll blow it out the window."

So he rolls down the window and

blows it out.

Now, bear in mind, we're on the

5 going 80, so he blows it out,

and -[gasps]

It all comes f***ing pouring

back in.

I'm like, "you goddamned dumb

stoner," and he's like, "sorry,

it was almost 4:
20," or whatever

he's f***ing...

My mom called me today and

left me a message saying she

lost or broke her glasses so she

needs new glasses, so that's the

main reason why I want to go to

the post office today -'cause

I feel bad that she's sitting

around without glasses until she

gets a check from me.

You help her out financially?

Yeah, I pay for pretty much

everything.

See, that's the thing.

I'm very torn.

I said I was gonna do your

documentary, but here I am.

I'm very torn about pot, because

I honestly wish I could smoke

pot twice a year.

I'm serious.

Why can't you do it twice a

year?

I don't know.

I got two kids.

I don't have access to it.

Every time I think about buying

some, I'm like, "how? What?"

The last time you did my show

at UCB, you started talking

about how ridiculous it is for a

grown man to still be smoking

pot and still be --

I don't remember.

Yeah, you were like, "come

on, it's time to grow up."

Well...

See, yeah.

See, you still feel that way.

Well, what do you want?

Look at you.

It's sad.

I don't think you actually smoke

pot.

I think you smoke oregano.

Yeah.

No.

Look at me, I'm on day 10 of

not smoking, and I'm fine.

You feel great?

Well, no, I don't feel great.

I'd still like to do it.

Really?

Would you?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna.

You're gonna do it soon, and

you're gonna do it every day.

I'm gonna do it a lot.

Then I might not like it

anymore after that.

No, I think you won't like it

after a few days.

People say pot smokers are

lazy.

I disagree.

I'm a multitasking pot smoker.

Yeah, just the other day, I was

walking down the street.

That's one.

Stoned -two things at once.

Mother-f'ers.

All right, I'll take that second

one back.

I was walking down the street, I

was putting eyedrops in my eyes,

I was talking on my cellphone,

and I was getting hit by a car.

# Making sh*t happen on

Santa Monica Boulevard #

it's so f***ing weird when

people are just standing right

in front of you while you're

doing comedy.

They're just standing there like

this -"yeah, I heard you.

Good one."

Never had people just standing

there.

"What's next?"

Any pot smokers here tonight in

the house?

Always in the shitty seats

'cause they got here late.

[Laughs]

First of all, dude,

congratulations on getting out

of the house or hotel room.

You did it, man.

Congratulations.

Bravo.

'Cause I know what it's like.

You're like, "let's go to the

comedy show.

F*** it, we got a TV right

here."

I was in a show called "the

marijuana logs."

For those of you who don't know

what that is, it's like

"the vagina monologues," but

with pot instead of vaginas.

Sometimes people are offended.

They come up to me and they're

like, [high-pitched voice]

"Are you making fun of vaginas?

Do you have a problem with

vaginas?"

[Normal voice] I'm like, "no,

I have a problem with your weird

voice, but we love vaginas at

the 'marijuana logs.'

We want vaginas in the seats.

Especially vaginas that smoke

marijuana."

Which I saw once in Indonesia.

Mm-hmm.

Cost me $6 and a chicken.

And a lifetime of regret 'cause

I can't get that image out of my

head.

Plus, she wouldn't pass the

sh*t.

That is rude.

That is rude to Bogart a joint

with your vagina.

Don't do it, fellas.

It's like my two favorite things

keeping me from enjoying my two

favorite things.

'Cause you can't have sex with a

vagina that has fire in it, and

you can't smoke that joint

through her a**hole.

Oh, did you see the sign

outside?

It says, "adult material will be

covered."

Ame is Doug Benson, and I'm

about to get super high.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Wow, I think I found the perfect

place to fart.

I think pot's illegal there --

over there -but it's legal

over there, that way.

I think.

Or maybe the other way around.

Yeah, pot is legal over that

way and illegal that way.

Pretty sure.

I went on the -what do you

call it today?

The parasailing over the lake --

Lake Tahoe.

That was sweet.

If you guys get a chance to do

it, go for it.

I don't have any jokes about it

yet.

Soon as I brought it up, I was

like, "why the f*** are you

talking about this?

You have nothing funny to say

about it other than promoting

the activity," 'cause it was

really good.

[Laughs]

Well, I was up --

I was up there, like, 1,200

feet, going, "man, I should've

f***ing smoked a bowl before

doing this," 'cause smoking pot

makes everything more fun.

[Airplane engines whine]

[Bell dings]

So are you ready?

Mm-hmm.

You got 25 minutes.

Begin.

[Bell dings]

[Rock music plays]

Think you're funnier when

you're sober?

I swear, nothing's changed.

Really?

Other than I'm having a

little less fun.

Doug Benson smokes so much

pot he buys his rolling paper

at Costco.

He looks brighter and

shinier, I think.

Glowing.

Yeah, you're glowing.

Well, that's 'cause of the

baby.

He's either sober or

pregnant.

That's because I'm pregnant.

[Laughs]

Every day is a joy, now that

my baby's coming.

I recently saw a dog in a cage,

and -hang on, there's more --

and the cage had a sign on it

that said, "I bite."

And I was like, "that is good to

know, doggy.

But that's not the most

important thing about you.

You should make a sign that says

'I make signs.'

So, I'm gonna test your

memory, and I want you to say

these words back to me after I

say all three.

It's three words.

Boat, cucumber, wire.

Boat, cucumber, wire?

You just have to say them

back to me.

I like to put a question mark

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