Super Troopers 2 Page #12

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Nice to meet you. Fred.

So, what's with the ride-along?

You got a cop movie coming out?

Uh, no, it's actually a new

show for the Syfy Channel.

Kind of a small-town alien

invasion show called Vermonsters.

- ALL:
Oh!

- I'd see that.

So, do you guys spend

a lot of time

getting, um,

cats out of trees?

Is that kinda the job?

No, we get the call and then

we call the Fire Department.

- They get the damn thing out.

- Oh.

Could I actually trouble you

for a quick selfie?

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- I'm a big Princess Bride fan.

SAVAGE:

Yes. My pleasure.

That was my "get laid movie"

in high school.

Oh! You're welcome.

- MAC AND SAVAGE: Buttercup!

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Holy sh*t!

- Did you get it?

- MAC:
Nailed it.

Fred f***in' Savage, huh?

- Uh, yes. That's me.

- He's right here! Look at him!

- Yeah, we know.

- SAVAGE:
How are ya?

You still with Winnie?

Uh, no, no. Just a...

just a show, man.

- I call sloppy seconds!

- Okay, great.

I think I'm gonna get the cat.

I'm gonna get the cat.

Mr. Savage,

we can't let you do that,

because, you know, well,

we're responsible

for your safety.

Don't worry about it.

I'm an expert climber.

Remember the movie

Super Monkey?

ALL:
Yeah.

I did all my own stunts

in that movie.

I'm good with the trees.

- Okay.

- (CAT MEOWS)

(GRUNTS)

Look at him go. Wow.

SAVAGE:
I can see it!

I got the cat.

Take it easy, Mr. Savage.

I thought Super Monkey sucked.

Yeah. And the monkeys

were so f***in' fake.

- A.O. Scott said the plot was bananas.

- SAVAGE:
Hey, buddy.

Hey, you know,

I can hear you guys.

Alright, you should try

acting in a movie

and doing your own stunts.

It's really hard!

- (LAUGHS) Sure.

- All right, don't be d*cks.

- (BRANCHES SNAP)

- (YELPS)

- (SAVAGE GROANING)

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(THUDDING)

(YELLS, GRUNTS)

(EXHALES) Woo!

(ALL CHEERING)

Did you see that sh*t?!

(ALL LAUGHS)

Any of you motherfuckers

want some p*ssy?

- What's up?!

- (ALL CHEERS)

(HORN BLARES)

(ALL GASPS)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Madman drummers bummers

Indians in the summer

With a teenage diplomat

In the dumps

with the mumps

As the adolescent pumps

His way into his hat

With a boulder

on my shoulder

Feelin' kinda older

I tripped the

merry-go-round

With this

very unpleasin'

Sneezin' and wheezin'

The calliope

crashed to the ground

The calliope

crashed to the ground

Yeah, she was

blinded by the light

Revved up like a deuce

Another runner

in the night

Blinded by the light

Revved up like a deuce

Another runner

in the night

Blinded by the light

Revved up like a deuce

Another runner

in the night

Blinded by the light

Some silicone sister

With a manager mister

Told me

I got what it takes

She said "I'll turn you on

sonny to something strong

Play the song

with the funky breaks"

And go-cart Mozart

Was checkin' out

the weather chart

See if it was

safe outside

And little early-pearly

came by in his curly-wurly

And asked me

if I needed a ride

The calliope

crashed to the ground

Yeah, she was

blinded by the light

Revved up like a deuce

Another runner

in the night

Blinded by the light

JAY:
(ON RADIO) You reach

for your ticket book.

I got ya. Okay.

'Scuse me. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

(SPITS)

Don't worry about it.

Hold that for me.

- JAY:
Here we go. Ready?

- Yeah.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (HORSE WHINNIES)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (HORSE NICKERS)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH) Ooh!

- (HORSE WHINNIES)

I can't believe it's a crime

down in the U.S.

to drink beer

and enjoy tits and dick.

I mean, beep beep!

There's no harm there.

I mean... (IMITATES BUZZER)

There's no harm there.

(IMITATING PUNCHING BAG)

It's a good workout, eh.

JAY:
Cut. I could do that

all night.

- I know...

- (ALL LAUGHING)

JAY:

And action!

- Oh!

- (ALL LAUGHING)

That's how easy it is.

Oh! Jesus Christ.

Motherf***er.

What do we got, till lunch?

We got till lunch?

- JAY:
Action.

- (BALLOON POPS)

- Oh!

- (ALL LAUGH)

Which one of you guys

has a, le, a le seniority?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

JAY:
You got to blow

those cheeks out.

Okay.

I think I have some of your

mustache in my mouth.

Where's your a**hole?

STEVE LEMME:
It's right about...

right there.

Just follow the heat.

First you steal our job

and now you sit here

getting a sensual massage

from a chair

in the center of the mall

with our women.

JAY:
(LAUGHS)

Can you shorten that?

No, that's the only way

I can say it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeez Louise.

Now I know who gobbled up

all my Lava Scotia.

JAY:

Uh, Flova Scotia.

Now I know who gobbled up

all my Flava Scotia.

- JAY:
Uh, Flo, uh, Flova.

- Flova. God damn it.

All my Flava Scotia.

- All my Flava Scotia.

- JAY:
(LAUGHING) Flova.

I'm gonna get it. Nova. Flova.

Now I know who gobbled up

all my Flava Scotia.

- Close?

- JAY:
No. Not really.

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

What about this?!

What about this, huh?!

Didn't we

do that to like

a skinny blond guy

with a big forehead?

Smelled like bacon?

Always yakking about

Hot Pockets?

That was me.

You asked if I saw you

jumping around

all mimbly bimbly...

You asked if I saw you

jumping around

all nimby, ni...

All nibbily-bimbly.

Sorry, what...

It's nimbly-bimbly.

- STEVE LEMME:
Come on, Gaffigan!

- (ALL LAUGHING)

- (GRUNTS)

- Idiot. (GRUNTS)

Bon vivant bouillabaisse,

croissant, le chicken cordon bleu?

JAY:

Eh, that's a little much.

- This one says "Tiger Penis".

- FARVA:
Suck it!

- Shut up, Farva.

- Sorry. It's just funny.

Eh... (STAMMERING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)

What the sh*t, Guy?

Why you tell us

they are the smuggler...

- Sorry, I'm sorry.

- (ALL LAUGHING)

(CONTINUING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

Uh... Eh...

All right. All right.

Here we go, here we go.

- Just gotta find it.

- Yeah, I got it.

Uh...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Uh... Eh...

Sorry. I'm totally...

Okay, okay.

Hey, cut it.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

She got down,

but she never got tight

She's gonna make it

Through the night

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

What a drag

Sittin' here at home

on Saturday night

And I'm alone

Just staring at my phone

trying to make it ring

Wish I had a friend

I can tell my jokes to

My truck

Is runnin' pretty rough

It don't matter much

I'm out of gas

If I had a tank,

I'd take a ride

But I don't know

where to

Great Saturday night

(VOCALIZING)

Saturday night

(VOCALIZING)

Saturday night

(SONG PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

(GULPING)

Mm-mm.

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