Super Troopers 2 Page #2

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Do me a favor,

spackle his mouth shut.

MAC:
(LAUGHS)

Okay, will do.

So, change of location for

this weekend's fishing trip.

Just over the Canadian border.

Oh, sweet! I love Canada.

(CHUCKLES) Good one!

I'll mail you the address.

- What, like with a stamp? Just text me.

- Text?

Oh, you mean like,

uh, mail text? Yeah.

I do believe I have

that facility on this phone.

Okay, will do.

That's it. I'm teaching you

how to text this weekend.

- No personal calls, Mac.

- What the f***?

- Whoop.

- Oh, God damn it, Farva.

- I told you no personal calls.

- It was a sales call.

Oh, yeah?

What were they selling?

Ooh, was it canned salmon?

I love canned salmon.

It's better than tuna,

you know. It's a salty fish.

I like a salty fish.

Like a grouper

or maybe a branzino.

Something that really

jerks off your blood pressure.

You know what's salty? Turtle.

You ever had turtle before?

Saltiest part? The shell.

What do I have to say to get

you to end this conversation?

You could say,

"The guy on the phone

was trying to sell me

hard d*cks."

The guy on the phone was

trying to sell me hard d*cks.

I bet you bought

a baker's dozen. (LAUGHS)

Let's lay some caulk!

I got fresh caulk, everybody!

Hot caulk here.

Who wants caulk?

MAC:
He really wants to leave

right from work, huh?

RABBIT:
He said,

"Real men travel light."

(GRUNTING)

God, he looks ridiculous.

No, I think

he looks pretty cool.

Like the Brawny

Paper Towel Guy.

See, I was gonna say

the Bombay Paper Towel Guy.

- RABBIT:
Hey, Thorn.

- MAC:
Hey.

Job sucks.

It's all sap and splinters.

(MAC LAUGHS)

Now it smells like Bombay.

- You wanna put that shirt back on?

- Whew!

Breathe it in, little fella.

That's the smell

of a mountain man.

Right. Okay, what time you due

back at the hobo zoo?

- (LAUGHS)

- (SIREN CHIRPS)

Hey, hey!

What's up, guys?

Nice ride!

RABBIT:
Hey, Chief.

Son of a b*tch.

- Ta-da!

- MEN:
Hey!

What's up, Foster?

He is all yours.

I'm tired of him riding

in my sidecar anyway.

That's not what

you said last night.

OFFICER:
(ON RADIO)

Chief, we have a 214

out at

the Shuck n' Rack Motel.

Officer needs guidance.

- I'll be right there.

- OFFICER:
(ON RADIO) Copy.

(SIGHS) I wish you guys

didn't get fired.

We weren't fired.

We were invited to resign.

- Ah.

- Ooh, I like that.

No, you were fired. There was

that ride-along gone wrong.

Then you were fired.

We'll just have to agree

to disagree.

All right.

Well, you fellas have fun.

Just get him back

in one piece, all right?

With the rod. I'm gonna

need it next weekend.

Hello!

That's my girl.

All right, boys,

let's go fishing.

THORNY:
And the beauty is,

the black is so black

that it's really blue.

I mean,

it's really midnight blue.

Ah, just like

the old days, huh?

Driving around

the countryside,

listening to Thorny

talk about his dick.

- I miss the old days.

- RABBIT:
That's bullshit, man.

That Fred Savage thing

was not our fault.

Actors shouldn't

do ride-alongs.

Actors shouldn't even

try to play cops.

I mean, (SCOFFS)

they never get it right.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hey, there.

- How you doin'?

Good. You boys here

for business or pleasure?

- Just going fishing.

- Good timing.

You'll be up to yer tits

in the walleye.

I caught one last week.

Was seven kilograms.

Is that big?

Is that big? That's like nine

decimeters from tip to tail.

- You a jigger man?

- What did you call me?

Well, I like to use

the jigger rod

for when I'm catching

the walleye.

But of course

when you're doing that

you gotta run extra light.

Unless you're someone like

you there in the back.

- What are you, a bodybuilder?

- (CHUCKLES) No.

What do you bench?

Wait, don't tell me.

I don't want you

to embarrass me.

- But I would like two tickets to your gun show. (LAUGHS)

- FOSTER:
Ah, okay.

You guys are good to go.

Sorry to hold ya up.

- Let them go!

- MAC:
Thanks! Take her easy.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

Typical Canadian hardass.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) "Sorry.

I'm really sorry. Sorry."

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

"Oh, so sorry."

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) Hey,

fellas, any chance you can

come over to the house later

and play some Sorry?

MAC:
Sure.

How about nine o'clock?

THORNY:
Ooh,

nine o'clock doesn't work.

- Sorry about that.

- (LAUGHTER)

MAC:
(IN NORMAL TONE)

French ones are the worst. Ha!

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Would you

like some ratatouille

with your pain du chocolat?

Oui, oui! I'm gonna get

some jambon et fromage.

(LAUGHTER)

THORNY:
This can't be it.

MAC:
Well, this is the address

Cap sent me.

Although he did just learn

how to text.

Now what would compel somebody

to throw a tire

up on the roof?

FOSTER:
What, you never played

"Throw the Tire on the Roof"?

MAC:
(LAUGHS)

No, is that the kind of sh*t

you guys played in Rutland?

FOSTER:
Sure. Never got

"tired" of that game.

(FLIES BUZZING)

FOSTER:
Uh, we are

in the wrong place.

O'HAGAN:

No. You're in the right place.

MAC:
What's the deal

with the creepy,

remote shithole, Cap?

You gonna make us put

the lotion in the basket?

No, I've got a surprise

for you.

I didn't tell you up front

'cause you tend to be

a bunch of

wide-mouth bassholes.

Well, then, why don't you let

me reel in these fish, John?

THORNY:

Governor Jessman?

Hey, I didn't see

the motorcade.

- We're keeping my visit quiet.

- Mm.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Cappy, you dirty dog.

Show some respect, Mac!

Sorry.

I'm here

on official business.

We've got

an intriguing situation

going on in these parts.

JESSMAN:
With all the heat

on immigration these days,

the U.S. has been

going through

a border reassessment.

It turns out that some

of the original stone markers

that delineated

America from Canada,

weren't where

we thought they'd be.

Here is where the border was.

But here is where

we found the stone markers.

So this town,

St. Georges du Laurent,

and the area surrounding it,

are actually on American soil.

So we're going to war?

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT) Ah, gee,

that'd be a quick one, eh?

(ALL LAUGHS)

No. After negotiations,

they've agreed

to turn the land over.

Vermont's about to get

- a little more head room.

- RABBIT:
Hm.

So, it was up to me to find

a temporary police force

to help with the transition.

A group of officers

familiar with the border area,

experienced in patrolling

a stretch of highway.

Guys who maybe caught a bad

break the last time around?

So, you fellas want

a crack at your old jobs?

(ALL CHEERING)

Easy, you hooligans!

I'm a senior citizen!

And if this two-week

assignment goes well,

I might be able

to make it permanent.

Trust us. It'll go well.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm one of the cops.

We picked him up

outside of Home Depot.

Fantastic.

You'll be phasing out

a Canadian Mountie unit.

We lined up a meet and greet

with them tomorrow.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Oh, yeah!

I wanted to make sure you had

your full team back,

so I tracked down

your other guy too.

(SIGHS) No f***ing way.

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