Super Troopers 2 Page #3

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- (DOOR OPENS)

- Oh, no.

Sorry I'm late.

Hit a moose doing 90.

- Vaporized the beyotch!

- (O'HAGAN SIGHS)

FARVA:
You know they have

Eskimo hookers up here?

When they have sex,

they really get "Inuit".

(LAUGHS) Pel!

(GROANS)

MAC:

God damn it.

Farva, you f***.

Back in business!

- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

- (TRIMMER WHIRRING)

Bullshit! Who ordered these?

I can't feel my tits!

(ALL LAUGHS)

Hey!

Desk buddies, guy?

Are you positive

you want to quit your old job?

I mean,

Construction Supervisor.

And give up the chance

to crack some Canuck melons?

I don't think so, bro-haim.

Welcome to the Fart Zone

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- FOSTER:
Body armor, check.

Tactical flashlights. Why not?

Ooh, heat vision goggles.

Check.

Why would we need those?

Uh, we're in Canada now,

Rabbit.

What if we have to find

somebody in the snow?

Uh, there is snow in Vermont.

Okay,

I'm the "order stuff" guy.

You do your thing. All right?

Okay.

One yellow safety vest

for Rabbit.

Woo! A roving

GPS triangulator.

Triangulator? Get a load

of James Bond over here.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Another yellow safety vest

for Thorny.

FARVA:
Thorn, Thorn, Thorn,

Thorn, Thorn, Thorn.

Ram. Rod. Ram. Rod. Ramrod.

You're out, he's in.

Okay.

O'HAGAN:

Hey, place looks great!

MAC:
What have you

been cleaning, Cap?

I'll clean your clock

if you don't watch out.

Okay, let's get started.

Don't push it, Mac.

Get started

doing some pullovers?

No, we're not doing

your pullovers.

Everything will be

by the book.

Everything!

Cap, you know how hard

I worked on this thing?

Big face, big mustache.

I don't care how big

your face is. Shave it!

FARVA:

Cap, Cap, Cap, Cap!

I'm good, right?

I got a tight mouth-muff.

(EXHALES)

- Talk about big faces.

- That's face-ism, Cap.

Not regulation! Shave it!

Right! Let's go

and see some Mounties.

(CHUCKLES) Remember the three

B's:
Best Behavior, Boys.

Hey.

- How's it going?

- Feels like 1983 in here.

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

Oh, there they are.

I am Mayor Guy LeFranc.

Mayor of Saint Georges

du Laurent, Canada!

Or, as it's about to be known:

St. George of Lawrence,

America. (CHUCKLES)

I don't know. I'm not so good

with American. Welcome.

Uh, the Guy LeFranc?

From the Montreal Canadiens

Minor League system?

The leading scorer

of the Halifax Bear Eaters?

Eighth most points

in CHL history.

Yeah, I know. Two points

behind Shotti Fitznugly.

Look at this guy!

I love hockey.

Your nickname, um,

don't tell me,

it was, uh, "The Explosion".

"The Halifax Explosion."

Named after

the single greatest

man-made explosion

before Hiroshima.

It was 1917,

ship laden with dynamite

crashed into another ship

in Halifax Harbor.

Tremendous explosion

and loss of life.

Burned people's eyes out

with the blast.

Many were blinded

by the light.

Like the song says.

And a First Nations tribe

was lost.

Probably would've

happened to them anyway,

- but it kind of moved up the timetable, eh?

- (ALL AGREE)

So, I am the second biggest

explosion from Halifax.

But enough about me.

Meet the Mounties. Guys!

Guys, come on over here.

This here is Sergeant Major

Roger Archambault.

This is Staff Sergeant Major

Henri Podein,

and Sergeant

Christophe Bellefuille.

Total gobbledygook.

I'm John O'Hagan.

This is Rod Farva,

Robbie Roto, Carl Foster,

MacIntyre Womack

and Arcot Ramathorn.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(MOUNTIES LAUGH)

you guys chew the cud.

Why don't we go f*** off

to the other room here?

- Yeah, sure.

- (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I'm gonna get a Schlitz!

That's American for beer.

So, you do guys

ride horses or...

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

Yeah, this isn't 1957.

We drive Crown Victorias.

Hey, us too.

You get a little soup in them,

they can really rip

your knob off. Am I right?

(SPITS)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)

We hear about you guy, heh?

Because first, you get your

highway station shut down.

And then, you get kick out

from your second job

because of this, uh,

Fred Savage thing.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)

"Savage."

(IN NORMAL TONE) Makes it

sound intriguing, at least.

BELLEFUILLE:
(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

So, what are you going to do here?

Go for the hat trick?

(MOUNTIES LAUGHING)

Well, we're actually hoping

to hold on to these jobs.

(TROOPERS CHUCKLE)

What are you guys

doing after the turnover?

Oh, they're transferring us

up to Labrador City.

- Oh!

- Cool.

BELLEFUILLE:

It's cool, all right.

Average winter temperature

is minus 18 degrees Celsius!

Yeah, all you have

to do to convert

is times two, add 32 and join

the rest of the human race.

Hey, Rookie,

they got non-alcoholic Molsons

over here.

Want me to get you

a half carafe? (LAUGHS)

Oh, we got a rookie there?

They shave your nuts yet?

Canadian tradition says

you got to shave

the rook's nuts,

otherwise it's bad luck.

- You don't say?

- Bad luck?

I'm actually not a rookie...

Which one of you guys

has least seniority?

- (TROOPERS MUMBLE)

- I mean, technically I...

(CHUCKLES)

Shave this guy ball!

Come on,

shave both of his ball.

(MOUNTIES COAXING)

- Shave your ball, your dick.

- (ALL LAUGHING)

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Hello,

hello! Welcome to Canada.

I'm Genevieve Aubois,

Cultural Attach

of Saint Georges du Laurent.

I will see that

things go smoothly

in the next few weeks.

And please,

if you have any questions,

don't hesitate to ask.

(SMACKS LIPS)

Keep heading north,

big fella.

You don't look at the mantel when you're

poking the fire, you know what I'm saying?

- Right, guys? You know what I'm saying, right?

- Jesus, Farva.

(FARVA LAUGHS)

GENEVIEVE:
Okay.

Well, they are waiting for us

in the other room.

So, please, suivez-moi.

Who is waiting where?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MARCHING DRUMS PLAYING)

Boy, I didn't know the whole

town was gonna be here.

(MIC FEEDBACK)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (CHUCKLES)

- Oh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's about my

mustache, right?

They're laughing

at my mustache?

Please, let's give a big

Canadian welcome

to the Vermont Highway Patrol.

(CROWD BOOING)

GUY:

Hey, hey, everyone!

Come on, guys.

They've come up here

to tell us how great

it's gonna be

for all of us

to become Americans.

So, let them speak. Captain?

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

- Bonsoir.

- (MIC FEEDBACK)

You know, this reminds me

of the story of the rabbi,

the priest,

and the Hindu in a canoe.

WOMAN:
Go blow yourself!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm Captain John O'Hagan. I...

Yeah, eat it, you old donkey!

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, easy.

Hey, look, look.

Technically,

we're all Americans, right?

North Americans.

Very little is gonna change

around here.

Oh, yeah, right!

You're probably gonna tell us

we can't listen

to Rush anymore!

Or the Barenaked Ladies!

- (ANGRY CHATTER)

- Hey. Hey. Hey!

People, people.

I love Rush

and the Barenaked Ladies.

You should listen to both.

So, you are telling us

who to listen to!

No, no. I'm just...

And then that one's

gonna tell us

we have to start

eating tortillas!

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