Super Troopers 2 Page #4

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- FOSTER:
It's a common mistake.

- MAN #1:
Bullshit!

Hey! Listen up.

This is America now.

Like it or lump it!

Repeat after me:

I pledge of allegiance

to the flag

of the United States

of America.

Learn the words!

Learn the words!

F*** you!

- (GROANS)

- (CROWD CLAMORING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

MAN #2:
You don't even know

how to play hockey!

(CLAMORING CONTINUES)

I didn't think they'd see us

as an occupying force.

Oh, my God!

Your eye.

That might leave a scar.

I was looking

too pretty anyway.

(CHUCKLES)

I can sew you up at my car.

You're a doctor?

No, no. I coach

the girls' hockey team,

so I know my way

around a gash.

Are you making a...

Oui . A double entendre

for la vagine.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Let's go, quickly!

THORNY:
I thought Canadians

are supposed to be harmless.

Oh, come on.

Cut them some slack.

They're upset

about losing their identities.

They called you an old donkey.

Doesn't that piss you off?

Well, I don't love it.

Actually, I didn't sleep

at all last night.

But we got a job to do.

- Rabbit, how's your head?

- It's okay.

That, uh... Genevieve,

she, uh, patched me up.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, please!

Frenchy had her eyes

on my thighs all night long.

- Yeah.

- Did she, now?

FARVA:
Oh, yeah?

Keep laughing.

I bet you a buck I bang

the crpe out of her first.

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- Okay.

Put your money

where your mouth's been.

F*** the buck.

Loser sits on a cactus.

No, loser gets a perm.

No, loser cuts his

pinky-toe off with a shovel.

Take that bet.

- I suggest you take the bet, Rabbit. Really, honestly.

- Jump on it.

Please shut up, Farva.

Okay. We have a deal.

You heard it, right?

We have a deal.

Oh, so, this is where they

keep the illegal aliens, huh?

- (BELLEFUILLE CHUCKLES)

- Ah, welcome, Officers!

Welcome to the guys

who stood around

while people threw

hockey pucks at us?

You gonna

come up here talking

all that

"Make America Great" crap,

you're bound to catch a face

full of Canadian tomato.

O'HAGAN:
Okay, okay.

Listen up.

Two of you are gonna ride

with the Mounties.

They'll show you where

the bodies are buried.

- BOTH:
Not it.

- Actually, it is you two.

(CHUCKLES)

It's not our idea

of a good time either, fellas.

Personally, I'd rather

f*** a moose.

You would need a ladder

to do that.

Obviously, I would need

a ladder to f*** a moose.

But I would find one,

and I would f*** that moose.

O'HAGAN:

Okay!

Thorny, Rabbit,

I got a highway job for you.

Let's do it!

FARVA:

Hey, Cap? Cap?

Whose car do I ride in?

Why don't you

stay here with me?

Sit over here.

That's the radio, though.

Great idea!

That way, if a call comes in,

you can answer it.

Huh?

(O'HAGAN VOCALIZING)

Okay, just today, though,

okay?

Everyone takes a turn.

It's a new station.

(SIGHS)

F***in' radio.

What the f*** is this sh*t?

I mean, it's not gonna

kill him, is it?

I don't know. Do you

want it to kill him?

BELLEFUILLE:

Allons-y!

- (HORN HONKS)

- (SHOUTS IN FRENCH)

Just a minute!

Just a, uh...

What's Canadian

for "minute"?

(MUMBLES MOCKINGLY)

Ah.

There they are. Okay.

Hm.

(GULPING)

Are you swallowing

M&M's whole?

Yeah. The green ones

make me horny.

Why don't you chew them first?

(SCOFFS) They all go

to the same place, right?

(SIGHS)

FOSTER:
(ON RADIO) Hey, Farva,

can I get a radio check?

- (CRACKLING)

- (YELPS)

(GROANS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Why did you shock

your buddy, buddy?

(LAUGHING)

You know, every job has that

one guy that you love to hate.

Yeah, obnoxious. Oafish.

Oh, yeah, you mean like

your typical American?

(BOTH CHUCKLES)

Still waiting

on that radio check.

- (CRACKLING)

- (SCREAMS)

FARVA:

F***in' sh*t!

This is an awesome assignment.

Oh, come on, it's great.

Outside. On duty.

Hey, what's 80 kilometers

per hour in English?

I guess

49.7097 miles per hour.

Uh, I don't think

we have any decimals.

- Do you have a Sharpie?

- Uh, no.

FARVA:
Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Radio, until the turnover,

we have to keep things metric.

So we are now Unit 37.015.

Try again.

Whatever.

I got a call out

on Rue de Autoroute 77

or some

Frre Jacques bullshit.

There's a gaggle of dead

Canadian Geese on the road.

Yeah, up here, they just

call them geese, Radio.

Yeah, well, in two weeks,

I call them American Geese.

Honk, honk. Go clean them off.

That's a big 16.09-6436,

good buddy.

Ah, ya,

there's the Pancake Shed.

And that's the Flapjack's.

Oh, there on the right,

that's Gigi's Bait,

Tackle and Pancakes.

- But they're really known more for their waffles.

- Yeah, they are.

Sounds like the Queen

must really love pancakes.

What's that supposed to mean?

FOSTER:
Aren't you guys still

ruled by the Queen of England?

I mean, she's

all over your money.

BELLEFUILLE:

I'll have you know that

we achieved

our independence in 1982.

- Ooh!

- Oh!

- MAC:
1982.

- (FOSTER CHUCKLES)

- Did Wham! perform at the ceremony?

- (LAUGHS)

Maybe if we had

our independence sooner,

we'd have no gun control,

not believe in evolution

and all be morbidly obese

without healthcare.

BELLEFUILLE:
Why don't you

pull in right up here?

Time for you to meet

the local business owners.

Escorts?

BELLEFUILLE:

Here we are, boys.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GREETS IN FRENCH)

Are we here

to bust up a cat-house?

PODEIN:
You can't arrest

people for having boners.

It's legal up here, Yank.

A hockey-themed,

dual-sex bordello.

Do we have that in the U.S.?

I don't know,

but put me in, Coach.

Oh, oh! Look who it is!

It's the fuzz.

The Mayor hangs out

in a bordello?

No, the Mayor

own the bordello.

Here you go, boys.

How about a beer and a tug?

On the house.

- Hey!

- Oh, uh...

Uh, maybe later.

Oh, I understand.

Scram, girls.

- How's it going, eh?

- Yeah, no, no. Maybe later.

You guys!

You don't like women,

you don't like men.

I mean, what should I get, a

river beaver to pleasure you?

It's a joke. Their teeth are so

sharp, it would be horrible.

How can I help you fellas?

Oh, the Yanks want to talk

about their U.S. laws.

You know,

like serving weaker beer

and shutting down brothels.

Shutting down

brothels?

Who put you up to this?

Was it Jean-Paul

down at Chez Poontang?

Huh?

You guys pulling my chain?

Look, I don't think

this is anything

we need to get

too hung up on right now.

I can't believe

down in the States,

it's illegal to have a beer

and enjoy tits and a dick.

I mean, beep beep!

- There's no harm there.

- Oh. Uh...

(IMITATING PUNCHING BAG)

- Good workout, eh?

- Wow.

Honestly, Guy, we're not

here to lay down any laws.

We're very sorry if there's

been a misunderstanding.

- "We're sahrry?" "Sahrry."

- (LAUGHTER)

(CROWD MIMICS MAC MOCKINGLY)

I'm sorry,

but that sounds stupid.

- So sahrry.

- Sahrry.

It's funny. I know.

And what exactly

is your beef with our beer?

Oh, I don't have

any problem with the beer.

I mean, I think the limit in the U.S.

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