Super Troopers 2 Page #5

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is what, nine percent?

Nine percent? How are you

supposed to get drunk?

I mean, you know,

I think the idea is you drink

more of the weaker stuff.

I bet it is.

You Americans drinking

and eating everything.

- Oh, no, you shouldn't.

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) So fat.

How about a little help

over here, huh?

Yeah, I don't think we have

jurisdiction here anymore, buddy.

Okay, all right.

It's not like we're here to

"screw you" out of your rights.

Darn tootin' you're not.

Okay, look, relax.

Go away, you American pigs!

(CROWD SHOUTING ANGRILY)

- WOMAN:
Go home!

- Oh!

Take it easy.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Sorry about that.

It was an accident.

(GRUNTING)

Round and round

MAN:

Get out of here!

- (GRUNTING)

- (CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Get the f*** off me.

F*** you, motherfuckers.

F*** you!

(CROWD CHEERING)

- DRIVER:
Vermont sucks, eh!

- RABBIT:
Thank you.

See you later, sunshine!

- BOTH:
Stupid Americans!

- RABBIT:
Cheerio!

Okay, this job isn't as fun

as I thought it was.

Arrogant American!

The whole world's metric.

What's your problem, eh?

Just doing our job, sir.

You're 185 centimeters tall,

you weigh 92 kilogram.

Get used to it!

Okay.

Your authority don't mean

cheese up here.

I can't tell if he's

calling me skinny or fat.

FOSTER:
(ON RADIO)

Officers requesting assistance

at the L'Explosion Bordello

on Route Four.

We are under assault

by hookers.

Lots of them. Male and female.

Copy, 91.

We'll be right there.

Just as soon as we

finish taking selfies

with the Victoria's Secret

Blow Job Team.

I'm not kidding, Thorny!

There's too many of them.

Will you get your dick

out of my face!

I just... I got glitter!

Glittering and...

Glittering and...

I love it.

It's like we never left.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

What the hell?

Remote driver?

Ghost car?

We drilled that sign!

They're kids.

Give me those keys.

Ow! No biting,

you little shitsky!

What's your name, kid?

Stranger danger!

Stranger danger!

Where did you get the car?

- Suck it, cop!

- (GROANING)

Holy Christmas.

Oh, my God.

They're all hopped up

on goofballs.

You can't catch me!

(YELLING)

I'm gonna get my

bean bag gun!

Show me where you got these

and I'll let you

play with my Taser.

Ooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

THORNY:

We gotta be careful.

This is the kind of image

that could go viral.

There!

(KIDS GRUNTING)

All right. Whoa,

whoa, whoa, boys.

(KIDS YELLING)

Stay! Stay.

- What's up, Soapy?

- (WHISTLES)

More pills?

Did Apple change their logo?

THORNY:

What have we here?

(SNIFFS)

Cubans.

Must make you feel

right at home.

Good one.

KID:

Pills, pills, pills!

THORNY:

Oh, boy.

(KIDS SCREAMING)

Viva la revolucin, baby!

- Ay, ay, ay!

- FARVA:
Ugh.

You ever hear

of the Cuban Embargo?

That embargo

is yesterday's news.

Not for me it isn't.

That's like sucking

Castro's cold wrinkled dick.

Cuban cigars,

counterfeit iPhones

and unmarked pills.

We got something here.

You boys stumbled

on quite a booty closet.

A what now?

Booty. Contraband.

What? They don't say

"booty" anymore?

- Not really, no.

- Nah.

Canadian counterfeit iPhones?

We should call them

"A"-Phones, eh? Right?

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING)

(CELL PHONES RINGING)

They all have the same number?

That's a rip-off.

So, what pills do we have?

Not sure.

Five different kinds.

None of them have markings.

Send them to the lab.

I tried! The U.S. lab said

send them to the Canadian lab.

The Canadian lab said,

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

"Oh, ya, hey there.

"Send 'em over

to the U.S. lab there."

Maybe the Mounties

have some pull?

- Boo!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

F*** the Mounties!

- F***in' Canada.

- F*** that.

For all we know,

this was the Mounties.

Easy on the local cop

conspiracies.

We'll solve

this case ourselves.

I'll put a call

out to Montpelier,

see if they can

line up a lab for us.

Wah, wah!

I don't need some nerd

in a lab coat

to tell me what this sh*t is.

(EXCLAIMS, CRUNCHING)

Sometimes even

I've gotta hand it to you,

you weird son of a b*tch.

But why is it that

you chew a pill

yet you swallow M&M's whole?

I'm a complicated guy, Mac.

(CHEWS GUM)

Okay. All right.

See you boys

in the Renaissance Period.

Huzzah!

(ALL GULPING)

(MOANING)

(DRAWLING)

Can't move.

My mouth's dry.

What do you think,

like a heavy barbiturate?

Maybe a muscle relaxant?

You really can't move?

I'm numb. I'm totally numb.

- (SMACKS LIPS)

- MAC:
Okay.

What are you doing?

- (GROANS)

- Oh!

F*** you, Mac.

I need medical attention.

Side effects may include

fatness and irritability.

I think it's a mood enhancer.

(GROANS)

God damn it.

- I know I'm in a better mood.

- (ALL LAUGHS)

Do we have

any more fly strips?

I want to make him a headband.

FOSTER:
Three little

maids from school are we

Pert as a school-girl

well should be

Filled to the brim

with girlish glee

Three little maids

from school

- That's gotta be speed, right?

- Absolutely.

Wow. You seem kinda wired.

I'm just psyched

to be back on the job!

URSULA:
Yeah, okay, well,

I knew you would be.

Ooh, did I tell ya the oth...

Oh, yeah, I got,

I got a triangulator.

Why would you

need a triangulator?

Why does everyone

keep saying that?

- To triangulate, baby!

- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, how come we never

go dancing anymore?

When I get home, we're

gonna go f***in' dancing.

Okay. I can't wait.

(HUFFING)

FARVA:
Rabbit, get

me some lemonade.

Rabbit. Get me

some lemonade, please.

(GRUNTING)

Get me some

goddamn lemonade, rookie!

Don't you call me rookie,

you f***er!

I will f***ing put my fist

right through your head!

- I'm thinkin' 'roids.

- Absolutely.

How about you?

You feel anything?

Wet mouth. Sweaty palms.

Moist ear canals. And I'm

just feeling emotional.

- Hm. Okay.

- (TYPING)

I think you took

a Canadian female

sexual enhancement drug

called Flova Scotia.

"Made in Canada,

but banned in the U.S."

(MUSIC PLAYING ON LAPTOP)

FEMALE NARRATOR:

When the time is right,

but you're not.

Flova Scotia, eh?

Side effects may include

wet mouth, sweaty palms,

damp ears, moist groin,

varicose breasts, hair loss,

queefing, and bitchiness.

Flova Scotia, eh?

You can say "queefing"

on Canadian TV?

Ha! What a country!

What about you?

You're awful smiley.

I'm on acid.

Pharmaceutical acid?

Is there such a thing?

Don't know. But I do know

you have exactly

1,509 hairs in your mustache.

Close! 1,521. I had them

counted for my birthday.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah!

(LAUGHS) I don't know

what to believe, Thorn!

- Okay.

- FARVA:
Don't you do that.

I'm really looking

forward to this.

Well?

You guys come up

with anything?

Indeed we have some

very interesting leads.

Some of them

from that computer!

I think that we are

on top of this case.

RABBIT:
We're gonna

find out who did this

and we're gonna stomp in

their stupid f***ing faces!

Okay.

Well, the shack's a dead end.

It's on abandoned land owned

by a defunct mining company.

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