Super Troopers 2 Page #6

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So, anyone could have

put the booty out there.

(LAUGHS)

Why you laughing, Guy Smiley?

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAC LAUGHS)

Okay, if we

stake out the shack

maybe we can catch

someone coming or going.

Let's get back out there.

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC

CONTINUES PLAYING)

Farva, hit the radio.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(GONG RINGS)

O'HAGAN:
(DISTORTED)

You hearing this?

Come on! Hit the radio!

Farva! Come on!

(GIGGLING)

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Uh-oh.

Woo-hoo!

I love grass!

I love life!

I love music!

RABBIT:
Think puppies,

not steroids.

Think puppies, not steroids.

Smiling. Puppies.

(EXHALES)

Whew!

Bunnies! Bunnies!

Hi, bunny. Hi.

Rabbit. My name's Rabbit.

Oh, so cute little thing.

Bub, bub, bub, bub.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(LOUDLY)

Just stay there!

(PETS WHIMPERING)

- (CHAIRS WHIRRING)

- Feel the steroids melting away.

(MOANS)

Don't let the job

stress you out.

I love the job.

Doesn't stress me out.

Farva stresses me out.

Such a shame.

Why are the good-looking ones

always so obnoxious?

You think he's good-looking?

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

"The bigger the cushion,

the better the pushing."

- No.

- (CHUCKLES) No.

(LAUGHS)

I would rather have sex

with a baboon.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's funny though, huh?

We all have that one

horrible person we work with.

For me, it's my office manager

Lonnie Laloush.

Oh, he can be

such a "deeckwad".

- (CHUCKLES)

- What?

It's just with your accent,

the way you say "dickwad"

is adorable.

No, but it's true.

He is a deeckwad.

(LAUGHS)

(BELLEFUILLE SPEAKS FRENCH)

First you steal our job

and now you sit here

gazing lovingly

into the eyes of our women.

Your women?

Well, maybe we should

take him in the back,

give him

Canadian handshake, eh?

What's that?

Let's just say it involve

a bag of hockey puck

and a lot of warm gravy.

Mm. Sounds delicious.

- (HORN BLARES)

- FARVA:
Make way!

Hot soup coming through!

Oh, Canadian standoff, huh?

Oh, it look like

professor Stephen Hawking

has really let himself

go these days.

(LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)

(MIMICS LAUGHTER)

(IN ROBOTIC VOICE)

When God created Canada,

it was like

the universe farted.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Why do all the fat one

always ride around

on these little scooters?

You ever stop and think

that if you walk,

you might actually be thin?

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Wow.

These pigs are harassing

the handicapped!

Everybody look.

Take a phone video!

- MAN:
Hey! Leave him alone!

- Hey! This it is far from over.

- You want to go to TJ's Arcade?

- Oui.

I have some loonie

I need to break.

C'est bon.

(MUMBLES MOCK FRENCH)

F***in' Frenchies.

What are you two doing together?

Mall walking?

We ran into each other

at the pet store.

(CHUCKLES) Rabbit.

You shopping for a new gerbil?

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Hey, Gwenevieve

how about the two of us

go over to

the Saskatchuan Palace

and get a wang dang doodle?

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, non.

Ooh, woof woof. Put a little

bark on that and I'll bite.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, I'm going to go.

It was great seeing you.

Don't leave on my account.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh-huh! Cocky, huh?

How about we up the bet?

There is no bet, Farva.

Okay, new bet then.

Loser not only cuts off

his pinky toe with a shovel,

he puts it in a blender

and drinks it in a smoothie,

toenail and all.

- (SCOFFS)

- Come on.

Shake it, don't mistake it.

You're serious?

Serious as a heart attack.

And I should know.

I've had two.

(SCOOTER BEEPING)

- Wow.

- FARVA:
Pinky toe smoothie!

(LAUGHS)

- Somebody clean this up.

- (HORN HONKS)

Son of a b*tch.

Hey!

Heat goggles have arrived!

Looking hot, Mac.

Hey, nickel plated cuffs!

Oh, sh*t.

These things are defective.

What's wrong with them?

They don't seem to lock.

Here. Let me see.

Here you go, Rabbit,

give me that hand.

- THORNY:
I got mine to work.

- FOSTER:
Maybe it's this one.

- Okay.

- Oh, yeah, that works. Okay, good.

Try the ankle ones.

THORNY:
Oh, you always gotta

check the ankle ones.

FOSTER:

That's the most important.

And here we go.

(CHUCKLES)

You son-a-b*tches.

You're not shaving my balls!

It would be an insult to our

Canadian hosts if we didn't.

I'm not a rookie anymore.

Get these off me.

Do you not want to be

an ambassador of goodwill?

No. I don't. Get these off me.

Rabbit, it's not like

we want to shave your balls.

Thorny, do you want

to shave his balls?

- Me? Hell no.

- Foster?

- No way.

- You don't wanna shave his balls, do you, Farva?

Hell yeah, I do!

I even went out and bought

one of those

old-timey straight razors.

- No. No.

- Check this out.

- (CRACKLING)

- (SHRIEKS)

FARVA:

Jesus!

Goddamn Canadian wiring!

It's wrecking

my freakin' sperm count!

(FARVA GROANS)

Are you still taking

the Flova Scotia?

What part of

"side effects include

"queefing and bitchiness"

did you not understand?

Dude, the orgasms are

like a moonshot. (CHUCKLES)

You can't keep taking

female hormones.

It's gonna mess you up.

Jealous much?

Now who are you

orgasming with?

(IN CANADIAN ACCENT)

Her name is Quebecois Debbie.

Oh, Thorny, your cock,

she is so wide.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- I'd f*** her.

(SCOFFS)

- Okay, let's shave this.

- Don't.

(BEAR GRUNTS)

THORNY:

Ready?

Seriously,

cut the crap, guys.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

- O'HAGAN:
Ahem!

- (FOSTER CLEARS THROAT)

There's a bear in the station.

Is that a euphemism

for something?

It's a euphemism for

there's a goddamn bear

eating slabs of raw meat

in the goddamn station!

(BEAR GROWLING)

- Yeah. Bear.

- Okay.

Where are the guns?

In the room with the bear.

Tear gas grenades?

- I just got a new delivery!

- There you go! Where is it?

In the room

with the guns and the bear.

What if we send Rabbit

out to f*** the bear

as a means

of distracting said bear?

- Yes.

- God damn it,

we've got to get

the meat out of there!

Fine, f*** it. I'll do it.

- I'll go with you.

- Really?

Yeah. What's the worst

that could happen?

You get mauled by the bear.

Or that bear

could get mauled by me.

- You ever think about that?

- No, I didn't.

Okay, here's the plan:

I'll go out there

and distract the bear,

while you get the meat

and get it the hell

out of the station.

Team Ram-Rod!

Please don't start

with that sh*t.

(SNORTS)

FOSTER:

Good luck, fellas.

(WHISPERS) Okay.

You stay here.

Big boy. Hey, big boy!

(WHISTLES, CAWING)

(GRUNTS)

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, no.

Come here, Ditka.

Come here. Come here, boy!

(WHISPERS) Go, go, go.

- Come on!

- (GROWLS)

Come on! Come on!

- Come, come!

- (ROARS)

Okay.

Okay, okay.

F*** you, bear.

- (GROWLING)

- Sh*t.

Sh*t.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

THORNY:

Go, go, go, go!

(WHIMPERING)

(SNARLS)

Big bear

(GRUNTING)

Got a chest like a rug

Oh, sh*t.

He don't take no guff,

he's Big Bear

Hey. Hey.

Get out of there. Stop.

- Should I shoot him?

- Who? Farva?

Ooh, good idea.

No, no! No, no, no.

(WHIMPERS)

(GROWLS)

Go away!

(SHRIEKING)

ALL:
Oh!

- Get away, bear.

- (GROWLS)

Come on, give

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