Supercon Page #8

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the Colonel just brings out

this huge bag of mushrooms.

- What?

- I mean, just incredible.

Don't you think people are

too hard on the new DC movies?

You know what I really love

about the new Supes?

What's that?

Red undies on the inside

because, you know...

Hey, Sid, I gotta go.

Have a good one.

Sick bastard.

Douche nozzle.

Okay, you guys, we lost him.

I can't hold him.

The walrus

is back in the water.

KEITH:
(OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)

Allison, do whatever you gotta do,

but do it right now.

Copy.

Did you just call me ma'am?

Do I look like a ma'am

to you, d*ckhead?

No, I wasn't trying...

Does this ass look

like a ma'am to you?

- Ma'am, you have to leave.

- Oh, you just said it again.

I don't have to do anything.

What is this, Nazi Germany,

you goose-stepping, leg-day

skipping Hitler wannabe?

- What?

- You heard me, Ferrigno.

- MATT:
Oh, yeah.

- What?

You get to tell me what to do

just 'cause I'm a woman?

You got a dick?

No, no, no, no,

you jackboot-wearing

Game of Thrones

Mountain wannabe!

First of all,

it's Mr. Ferrigno.

And I ain't no Nazi.

And I have never missed

a leg day in my life.

Put me down!

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Chicken leg!

Are you kidding me?

Put me down!

ANNOUNCER:

Attention, Supercon.

If anyone found

a red nylon wallet

during this afternoon's

furry pile,

please return it

to the Con op's office.

Getting screwed today is me.

Open, you f*ggot!

KEITH:
Imagine that. The door

was open the entire time.

MATT:
Let's go, ladies.

Get him up.

How do you even pick me up

with those chicken legs?

What, do you just skip

leg day every time?

Shut up.

(CLUCKING)

Actually, you know what,

I think we're good.

You can just put me down here.

Sounds like a misunderstanding.

- See, I thought...

- She is outta here!

Escort this to its car.

I'm sorry. I thought those were

white supremacist tattoos.

I haven't been to prison.

I watch too much Lockup.

What do you want from me?

I have a badge.

It's inside.

I have to pee.

Can I go pee?

I'm on my period.

Can I... No?

You guys wanna wrestle

for this?

You wanna tussle?

Who wants to get their ass

kicked by a girl? Come on.

Escort this!

I hope you guys are having

better luck than me.

- Why? What happened?

- I had to improvise.

Just hurry the f*** up.

(PANTING)

(COUGHING)

What superhero

could wear f***ing heels?

That's a big door.

Guys, we got a problem.

There's a heavy-duty,

fire-rated big-ass locked door.

Where the f*** is the money?

- What's wrong?

- I don't think I can...

MATT:
You in?

Come on, we're working here!

Are you in?

Convenient.

I'm in.

Bringo. Found it. Bag!

Bag, bag, bag, bag.

Come on, come on.

Bag, bag, bag.

Take it, take it, take it.

(LAUGHS)

Sh*t, tell me there's more.

What the f***?

Yeah, f***er, yeah!

Yeah, you motherfuckers thought

y'all was gonna come in here

and get my money, didn't you?

- Put it down.

- I will f***ing shoot.

- Take the f***ing mask off.

- What the...

Aw, hell no.

(THUD)

MATT:
Damn!

B*tch better have my money.

Yeah, I told you

I'd be there.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Whoopsies.

(CHUCKLES)

No, you didn't.

That's not gonna stop ringing

anytime soon, right?

No, and I made sure it was

fully charged for today.

F***.

Give me a boost.

If I turn something down,

the next guy they go to

is Bruce Willis,

and Bruce would say,

"Oh, yeah, I'll do it.

"Did King turn it down?

I'll do it, I'll do it."

Right, well,

it worked out for him.

It worked out for him fine,

you know,

because lightning strikes

every now and then.

All right, enough of this.

Let's bring the girls out.

It's photo time, huh?

Yeah, good.

- (CHEERING)

- Yeah!

There we are.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

All right, everyone,

that's my time.

Guys, we got a problem.

The King's wrapping up

his panel.

Guys, this is gonna

take a few minutes.

MATT:
Do not let him leave.

You gotta stall him, man.

(CHEERING)

- The future...

- Is yours.

(CHEERING)

Sid Newberry, everybody.

- What are you doing, old man?

- Don't worry, Junior.

Just approximating

how a real man does it.

This reminds me of a story

in, around, I suppose,

the early 1980s.

I was ghostwriting

a little television film

in the beautiful city

of Detroit, Michigan.

ANNOUNCER:

Attention, Supercon,

now signing

in Autograph Alley,

William Shatner's brother,

George Takei's aunt,

Leonard Nimoy's sister,

and the great Wil Wheaton.

Ooh.

Sh*t.

Ugh.

Fake ass

piece of f***ing gun.

My money.

Ah, my f***ing money!

Son of a b*tch!

Oh! F***!

Where the f*** was you at?

I had to throw somebody out.

Damn! What happened

to your face?

Don't worry about that.

Go radio everybody

and lock the doors.

No purple Guardian,

no yellow, gold Guardian,

no none of that sh*t!

You said this would be open!

Why isn't it open?

I'm not going to f***ing jail.

And I'm not getting arrested

in baby blue Spandex, man.

Hey, hey, hey, let's just

go out the front doors.

Are you f***ing nuts?

Yeah.

F***ing white people.

(STOMACH CHURNING)

(DEFECATING)

(SPLASH)

Jesus, what the hell

is that smell?

I'm too old for this sh*t.

- I'm some f***ing TV star.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'm in a f***ing pipe

over a Comicon convention.

Gotta stop doing

so many drugs.

That's what you get for dropping

acid at a Bananarama concert.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Oh, wrong ear.

Hi, Dad.

No, I don't know what...

No, soda.

Soda. That's why it's called

a scotch and soda.

I gotta call you back.

I'm busy.

I'm in a tube.

I think they

come out at night.

I think they

come out at night.

ALLISON:
Brock, where are you?

BROCK:
Guys, I'm stuck.

I'm lost.

ALLISON:
You can't go back

to Gil's office.

Callahan just got back.

Just stay where you are.

We'll come get you.

BROCK:
Oh, that smell.

Would you please shut up?

Man's trying to

take a sh*t here!

BROCK:
Those tits are huge!

I have no idea where I am.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna head up.

This cannot be

this f***ing hard.

- No.

- (STOMACH GURGLING)

Jesus Chri...

(FARTING)

BROCK:
It's like

beef and broccoli.

It's like...

Oh, my God.

All right,

I'll give you that one.

That one was bad.

(GAGS)

Listen, stop it!

Just get me out.

(BANGING ON SCREEN)

Mister, get me out!

(RETCHING)

Shouldn't have

had that hot dog.

It's like making out

with David Lee Roth.

I will come up there,

so help me to God!

- I'm gonna come up there!

- (RETCHING)

What the f*** is wrong

with people?

BROCK:
Get me out of here.

Somebody get me out of here.

(POOPING)

Ahh!

Oh, my God,

kung pao chicken.

Fine!

You win, a**hole!

You win.

Oh, my God, it's so gross.

Oh, my God, it's so gross.

I'ma leave you a little gift.

I'm not wiping, so f*** you.

He's not even wiping!

Guys, you gotta

get me out of here.

A**hole.

- (BANGING ON METAL)

- What the hell was that?

Allison?

Allison, get me out of here.

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Gotta get me outta here.

Get me outta here!

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