Supercondriaque Page #2

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Think of all the sick people

turning pages, doing this.

Here.

Waiting rooms are a doctor's way

of increasing clientele.

The doctor is the one waiting

for all our germs

to spread to all his patients.

I said I wouldn't see you again.

What is it? Hurry up.

Could you order a tiny ultra-sound

for over here?

Go work out, stop bothering me!

You're being unkind.

I'm your most loyal patient.

And the healthiest!

Sure! I'm careful,

and I have a good doctor.

Listen, Romain.

I do volunteer work.

I see suffering, real suffering.

If I took you on a mission once,

you'd stop complaining.

I'll stop.

That would be a miracle.

Come on, get out.

I got you a present,

to apologize for the party.

You shouldn't have.

You were so nice to invite me.

For my friend Dimitri Thank you

- You don't like it?

- That's not it.

Such a fine gift wasn't necessary.

It's nice of you.

I'll take your blood pressure.

I'll go, you're busy.

It was nice of him.

After you.

He's not contagious.

Stand here in the middle,

face forward.

Where do you have the most blotches?

Chest and neck.

Could you open your shirt, please?

And head nice and high.

Like this?

How do you catch

pityriasis versicolor?

Hot, humid places.

Africa?

Much closer.

Public swimming pools.

A fungus. That's all I got.

- From the foot bath?

- I don't know.

Profile, please.

The foot bath

is a revolting invention.

- The what?

- Foot bath.

Those disinfectant pools for feet.

They force you to walk in it,

to be sure you'll get

every last germ.

Your other profile, please.

Here.

Why?

Your headache.

You keep doing this.

Here man, thanks.

That's the secret of happiness.

Live for the moment. OK?

Fantastic, Marc!

I can't believe

I didn't go out before!

I'm making up for lost time!

I love it! Thanks, dude!

No problem, man!

Who rules here? We do!

Go. I got the blood test ready.

Don't worry.

- Romain!

- Manon!

- You come here often?

- My first time.

That's funny. Me, too!

Let me recite a poem.

- No, no poem!

- Yeah, a poem.

- A what?

- A poem!

He wants to recite a poem.

Wow, that was so masterful.

So masterful. You're my hero.

Marc?

What is it, the cocktail?

I drank the same one!

Step aside. We have no time!

But I drank the same cocktail!

The same one!

Help me!

Sorry, I gave your number again.

That's all right.

I know that doctor.

Careful, he sucks.

- Romain, it's not good news.

- Marc?

Sorry, it's over for your friend.

No way.

It's over. Marc is dead.

You killed him!

Public hospitals! What did you do?

He was gone

when he got to the ER.

It was an aneurism.

A massive cerebral hemorrhage.

He had lots of aspirin in his blood,

which sped up the process.

Holy sh*t!

What is it?

Hello.

You all right?

Easy, easy.

It'll be all right.

It'll be all right.

Come on, it's all right.

What's that?

Eastern European disinfectant.

Genuine Cherkistan, it picks you up.

When in mourning,

drink and laugh.

To let it go. Come on.

As Grandpa would say, kvanya!

I murdered my best friend.

Stop that, you didn't murder him.

But stop self-medicating!

This proves it's dangerous.

But it's not your fault.

I gave him aspirin.

He hemorrhaged and died.

Easy! Romain!

It was circumstance,

you couldn't know.

Headaches, stiff necks.

I should've thought it through.

Subconsciously,

I wanted him to die!

Besides, I'm relieved he died

and not me!

It's horrible.

It's human.

This was an accident.

He should've known,

he was a nurse.

His aneurism was unavoidable.

My aspirin finished him off.

It sped it up, it didn't kill him.

Maybe he even suffered less.

Think so?

You relieved him,

helped him leave gently.

Painlessly.

I lost my only friend.

He wasn't your only friend.

You have me, too.

Really?

You want to be my friend?

Let's say...

you're my favorite patient.

Thanks, Dimitri!

Thank you!

Can I sleep over tonight?

Just one night.

Please.

Sorry, I'm not very hungry.

It looks delicious, Mrs. Zvenka.

- Can I call you Nora?

- No.

Romain just lost his best friend.

Poor guy.

Now what if you lose your wife?

- That's funny.

- Romain!

You said when in mourning,

you have to laugh.

Not about that!

Inviting a patient

to sleep in my office!

Just like your sister.

I'm not any patient.

One minute.

I'm his favorite patient.

He said so.

You said he was your favorite?

Yes, but...

Maybe I'll sleep on the couch,

and leave you two the bed?

Enough!

But I'm in mourning.

Look out! The dog got in!

- Nina, lock Boogie in your room.

- But he's gentle.

- It's scary, disgusting.

- He's scared.

Our dog isn't dirty.

He doesn't sniff other dogs' asses?

That's irrelevant.

All right. Come on, Nina.

- He's not well.

- I'm fine.

I'm in mourning.

And I don't sniff any asses.

Maybe you should!

Romain, please.

Dimitri.

What?

What's going on?

Headache, stiff neck.

- You'll wake my wife.

- He did.

Sorry, darling.

Sorry, but I'm having an aneurism.

That would require

actually having a brain!

Nora.

Stop with the aneurism! Back to bed!

Same symptoms.

It burst on this side,

behind my eye.

Warm liquid behind one eye, a leak!

- Stay.

- OK.

- Not you!

- I'll bunk with Nina.

No, honey. Stay.

You get out!

Got it? Your profile is done?

It's OK to put my Visa number in?

The situation is dire.

This is how couples meet now.

Medical dictionary photographer?

No. Just "photographer".

Put 6' 4".

I'm 5' 10".

She won't measure you.

Actually, put 6' 6".

Not 39, put 29.

- I'm 39.

- It's better to put 29.

I don't look 29.

Use an old picture

or from afar.

If you put 39,

put divorced or widowed.

Because 39, no kids,

never married...

Sounds suspicious. Or shady.

Check athletic. Very athletic.

Check triathlon. That's good.

Three sports in one. A go-getter.

But I can't swim.

After a block on a bike

I get cramps.

- Can you run?

- Like anyone else.

See? There is no mono-athlon.

So check triathlon!

Why do you want me

to lie to women?

It's dressing up the ordinary.

You need a lot of dressing up.

Hit "send".

Bedtime!

Thanks for everything.

Don't thank me.

I just want to get rid of you

once and for all.

- Romain?

- No, Eric.

- Pleasure. What's your name?

- Sorry, my mistake.

Daphne, I'm over here.

I'm Romain.

Romain!

Oh, forgive me.

I'm so sorry.

Your Internet description was off,

and your picture's so small...

it's an outdated description.

Have a seat.

So you're a triathlon champion?

Mono-athlon.

No time to work out lately,

I've lost some muscle mass.

We top athletes,

that's the first thing we lose.

Muscle turns to fat.

But I'm getting back to it,

this spring.

Sorry, but you're not 29.

No, I'm 34 or 35.

34 or 35?

9 years ago

I signed up for that dating site.

You're my first date, though.

Time just flies.

I'm leaving.

- Sorry.

- I get it.

What?

Nothing.

Leave athletic.

I can't go through that again.

Add hypochondriac.

No, I'm done with that.

That humiliation hit me hard.

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