Superhero Movie Page #3

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with our money!

I don't see

how that's my problem.

- Oh, man!

- Wow.

Come over here!

You've got to see this.

Let me through.

Let me through.

Oh, thank God. I thought something

terrible had happened.

Well, an old guy did

get shot over there.

Uncle Albert! Just try to breathe.

I can't.

You're kneeling on my balls.

Oh, sorry.

Rick, listen.

With great power comes...

Great responsibility?

I was gonna stick

with b*tches,

but if you want to be a virgin

for the rest of your life...

Uncle Albert!

My balls!

Very good.

Oh, God.

Mr. Landers!

Oh no.

Okay.

Hide the body.

Hide the body. Yeah.

Get in!

Yah! Yah!

Okay, I come back.

Jill?

I came as soon

as I heard.

- Where's Aunt Lucille?

- She's at home under heavy sedation.

They made her watch three hours

of women's basketball.

- This is all my fault.

- Rick, it was an armed robbery.

There was nothing

you could've done.

I could've stopped that guy

before he shot my uncle.

Then there is blood

on your hands.

But that's not important. All that matters

is that you're here for him now.

- Rick Riker?

- Yes?

Dr. Whitby.

I've run some tests.

I'm afraid I have bad news.

What is it?

I have an impacted colon.

Whew.

What a night.

Now what brought you

here today?

- My uncle.

- Your uncle brought you?

- No, he's gravely injured.

- Well, then he shouldn't be driving.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to perform a breast exam.

Doctor, please.

Is my uncle gonna survive?

Well, I don't know.

We should probably have a look.

Hard to say.

Yup, pretty deep coma.

Is he gonna be okay?

Well, I'm not a betting man,

but if you want to put some money on it,

- I'll take "dead in a week."

- Oh my God!

No, it's all right.

It's a normal emotional reaction,

but this should take

the edge off of it.

Here we go.

Nice and easy.

- That's your vein.

- Yes, I know.

First my parents and now this?

I'm nothing

but a screw-up.

Yes, your life has been

a testament to that.

But your uncle believed

in you and so do I.

It's never too late to become the person

you're meant to be.

Rick.

Rick.

Rick.

Hello, Rick.

Who are you and how

do you know my name?

- I'm a psychic.

- Prove it.

Think of any number

between one and a million

and I'll tell you

what it is.

- Nine.

- Not out loud, dumbass!

Follow me...

you dumb son of a b*tch.

My name is

Professor Xavier,

and this is my school.

I started it

to help people

with special talents

like yours.

Our students here learn to harness

their incredible talents.

and use them to advance

the common good.

Ah! Ow.

Here we have children

who can walk through walls.

We have children who think they can

walk through walls.

Some faces may be familiar,

like Wolverine.

Other mutants you probably

didn't know existed,

like Sneezo.

Most of our students

are born with their powers.

Some, like you,

gain them later in life.

- Oh, is that...

- Yes, it is.

When he came to this school,

he weighed 130 lbs.

Take enough roids,

you could do anything.

Back up off those pills, Barry!

- Why have you brought me here?

- Because you have the potential

- to be the best.

- But I can't even fly.

Once you understand

the true nature of heroism,

you will fly.

But first I must teach you

the secret

to becoming a superhero.

Hey, Storm! You look

like you putting on a little weight.

Ah! Oh!

So, Professor,

about this secret...

- Well, you see...

- Xavier!

- Aw, sh*t.

- Well?

You wanna explain

why I found her hiding in your closet?

But, pumpkin,

I don't see nobody.

- Oh, you don't?

- Ow!

Invisible Girl?

Apparently not

invisible enough.

If you knew how to take care of your man,

maybe this wouldn't have happened.

- No, she didn't.

- Oh, this b*tch is crazy.

I'm gonna have to

whip your ass.

- You don't say no disrespectful...

- What are you gonna do, baldy?

I'm everywhere,

sweet cheeks.

- Whoa!

- Ow!

- That all you got?

- Yeah!

Now what?

Now how about that, Invisi-b*tch?

Yeah, whatever.

I'm out of here.

I'm sure gonna miss her.

She was crazy in the sack.

Biting, scratching, panting,

tongue all over the place.

Wasn't me, a**hole.

Come on, Spanky.

I didn't even know

she had a dog.

Still some of the best

sex I ever had.

How could you do this

to me? To your kids?

To your newborn baby?

How do I know

that baby's even mine?

Because he can do this.

Sh*t!

Ah!

Aw, man.

Now I'm never gonna know the secret

to becoming a superhero.

You wanna know the secret?

Come close.

Make a costume,

shithead!

I swear to God. They get dumber

and dumber every year.

A costume.

Rick, you, uh...

Oh my God.

Damn!

Dude, you're like

a real superhero, man!

I love the mask.

How you breathe

in it though?

What's that sound?

You put some kind

of air intake in the mask.

Boy, you better...

now I'm assuming

that the material is

see-through, right?

Yeah, dude, I'ma tell you something.

Rick, this is good.

I'm impressed.

Like really impressed.

Hey, that's my spot.

You're sitting on my gargoyle.

Move it.

- Excuse me?

- What are you even doing here?

I'm looking seriously

out over the city

in a squatting position.

Well, that's what I do here.

So if you're not moving,

I guess we're gonna

have to share.

Uh, okay, fine.

I actually usually

perch in the front.

Oh, all right.

Well, here, you've got to go around.

- Okay, wait.

- Just turn this way. Here we go.

- Dude!

- You're right, I'm sorry. Relax.

- Okay okay.

- Okay okay.

- Uh, I can't perch like this.

- God, me neither.

- What's your name?

- John Storm.

Dragonfly.

So what's your power?

What's my power?

Stand back.

- Flame on!

- Whoa!

Huh?

I'm on fire!

Get a blanket or something!

Holy sh*t!

It's not working!

Get the fire extinguisher!

Ah! No! Ah!

God! You idiot, stop!

What's wrong with you?

Sorry, my bad.

Rick, once you understand

the true nature of heroism,

you will fly.

Sh*t.

This Dragonfly,

he's not even a hero.

He's not... I have... I have...

I have just a... I have...

He can't...

he can't even fly.

The Dragonfly

can't even fly!

I can fly, okay?

I can fly.

This just in:

Tom Cruise is dead.

World's most powerful man.

I have a feeling you might

disagree with that.

Strom, do you have

my test results?

Yes, sir.

Whatever you're doing

to your... victims,

rejuvenates you.

But only for 24 hours.

Hmmm.

What if I killed 28 people

in one session?

Would that give me

a month to live?

If it were February, yes.

But only if your cells

could absorb

that much energy at once,

and they can't.

I'm afraid

you have to kill each day

to live each day.

Still a slave

to the tyranny of time.

There must be some answer.

There isn't.

Unless...

unless you had

some cerillium.

Then you could create

a device powerful enough

to draw the life-force out

of thousands of people

and enhance your own

cellular capacity.

Strom, you're a genius.

Wikipedia.

But that's not important.

What is important is that you

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