Surf School Page #5

Keep on scratching, Tyler.

Well, ladies, the final humiliation begins.

Humiliation, man.

Now you better hope

when this is all over

that Larry's new girlfriend has friends.

Oh. It's the old washed-up wino.

I knew a little surfer rebel

like you once.

- Yeah?

- Duke Kowalski.

You know what I did to him?

I superglued his nut sac

to the back of a mahi-mahi.

You know what that

does to a nut sac, son,

bouncing up and down

on the waves?

One day, you're like a little

The next day, you're an

You know what kind

of pain that is, son?

That's like sitting in a dark corner,

seeing how many onion rings

you can stack on your shaft...

except you forgot to

let them cool off first.

Now legend has it,

on a hot summer night

when the moon's just right,

you can here old Duke

screaming in the dark

while the mahi-mahi's laughing.

All right, you old wino, enough!

Larry,

it happens to the best of us.

Did I ever tell you, son, that I used to

be a sheep farmer?

Adolph Schnitzel!

Oh, that's right.

Oh, baby!

I think I have a couple

of buns for that schnitzel.

Oh! I'm so crazy today.

I'm on fire.

I'm on fire.

Put me out.

You better go talk

to your troops, captain.

You know, guys,

I had a little something-something

planned to say to you guys,

but I think if we learned anything

from Tilly and Boris

it's that history is where it's at.

Because I don't know

about you guys,

but I don't want to look back on today

many a years from now...

and be thinking to myself

that I would trade all the days

from this day to that for one chance,

just one chance

to come back here to this beach

and tell these arse clowns

that they may try to take our pride,

but they will never take our spirit!

Yes!

Pretty decent Braveheart there.

Jordan. Jordan, I know you're on an

inspirational roll,

but I don't think this

is gonna work with me.

I had my first erotic spanking

from a chimp last night,

and everybody

on this beach knows it.

Even their mothers know it.

Oh. We best not disturb him.

Hello, Larry.

Why does he hate me?

He hates me now.

Oh, come on, precious pants.

He just needs a little time.

And now our defending champions

from the United States of America,

the country bringing democracy to the world

one invasion at a time,

ladies and gentlemen, from California's

Laguna Beach High School,

let's give it up for Tyler Masters!

Larry, you're gonna be my understudy.

If anything happens to any one

of these fellas,

you're going in.

If somebody breaks a leg,

twists an ankle, blows a spleen,

I'm talking about someone getting

their buck teeth caught on a Ferris wheel,

you're going in there,

little hedgehog.

- Do you understand me?

- Yes, sir.

- Larry, I don't hear you!

- Yes, sir!

Beautiful boys,

we run our delicious,

sculpted male bodies on the horn.

Ready, set, blow!

Oh, look at them run,

look at them run.

Oh, beautiful.

Watch and learn, Mary.

It looks like the cute Costa Rican

is giving my beloved homeland

an early jump on the competition.

Very beautiful, my brother.

I definitely sense something between those

two beautiful Americans.

It does not look like love.

Laguna "Ace" Masters

takes the first wave.

Oh, he's so beautiful

in that rough American way!

Now we're only waiting

on Laguna B's Sullivan

to shake what his mama gave him.

What is he waiting for?

Don't be shy, baby!

Be beautiful.

It's okay. I believe in you.

Shweet, shweet, shweet.

Come on, Jordan.

Go for it!

And beautiful Jordan

is up and standing.

He's going, going, and gone!

Wipe out!

Not so sh-shweet.

Poor baby, life is not fair.

Oh, come on, little hedgehog.

I told you you're the man if anything

happens out there, right, huh?

If somebody gets sick, you're in, man.

Aw, cheer up,

Larry, man.

Hey. You ever play

snap the sponge cake?

Yes. It seems very difficult

for the new boys from Laguna B.

I hear that they just learned to surf.

They're trying so hard.

Oh, biggity-boy-oh-boy!

What a first day of competition.

Pura vidal

All of you boys were just so...

Oh. What is the word

I'm looking for?

Beautiful!

Now let's clap for the beautiful boys.

Come on. Hey. I don't see

you clapping, papi.

What's the deal?

When I say clap, you clap, okay?

Simon Says.

This is Simon.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay. Let's go, guys.

Now let's check out the scoreboard.

It looks like the very most beautiful

and currently in first place team

is none other than defending champion

Laguna Beach A.

Will Laguna Beach A hang on for

a second straight title?

Will they look sexy doing it?

Will Batman escape

the clutches of the Penguin

and run off with his crazy

boyfriend Robin?

I don't know.

We'll just have to see

the answer tomorrow.

So until tomorrow,

this is Roberto Federico Maria Francesca

Maximo de la Sosa Minara

saying stay beautiful!

Come on, you guys, huh?

The way I see it,

you got two choices here.

You can sit around all mopey-faced

like your grandmother just got her ass cheek

ripped off by a hammerhead shark,

or you can hope that tomorrow

the surf gods grant you

a tasty curl out there, all right?

Everybody in, right now.

Come on!

Oh, no, no, no.

We're gonna win this thing.

I'm talking about a big wave.

Come on. Big wave.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Big... wave.

Yeah.

Well, the Laguna Barneys

managed not to drown.

That's impressive.

So make sure you guys come

to the Dead Fish tonight to celebrate.

Berthita's giving lap dances.

Better than a chimp.

Well, well, well, if it isn't old

Southern Cali again.

Aren't you, uh, running a little late

for your spray-on tan appointment?

The old Ripter's got a little

beach recipe for you.

First, you add a little take a hike,

and you blend in a little a**hole.

You know what I call it?

Take a hike, a**hole.

Let's go, dumb nuts.

The boys will need a special support

tonight, yeah?

Tonight, we have

a special entertainment

to celebrate your victory tomorrow!

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God!

It almost looks like Doris.

It is Doris. What did I tell you?

Po-ten-tial!

Wow! It really is you.

What happened?

You guys happened.

I, uh, I figured you guys needed

a little pick-me-up for tomorrow

unless you want to do nude

yoga with Tilly and Boris.

No, no. No.

Please. No. Stay.

What you gonna do?

I'm gonna rock the house,

and then you guys are gonna rock those

ass clowns tomorrow.

Understand?

Come on, Mo.

We got some rehearsing to do.

I'm gonna introduce you guys to someone

who's inspired us all,

my jump-off girl.

Give it up for Doris.

This song is dedicated

to my favorite surf team:

The Laguna Beach Bs.

Now some of you guys may think

the "B" stands for Barney,

but I think it stands for...

brilliant and brave...

and ballsy.

This one's for my freaks.

Love is but a song we sing

Fear's the way we die

You can make the mountains ring

Or make the angels cry

Though the bird is on the wing

And you may not know why

Come on...

Oh, you really proved your point.

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