Svengali Page #6

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The Prems!

Boys, come on! Come on!

Here we go! Here we go!

(CROWD ROARING)

Get on the stage. Get on the stage.

(FEEDBACK)

Sorry, guys. Just give us a few secs, yeah?

Seems our guitarist thinks

he's f***ing Keith Richards.

Do excuse me. My friend Freddie Mercury's

got his trousers too tight.

I'm gonna blow them up.

Play! Play! Play!

Dixie!

(BOTTLES BREAKING)

F*** off!

Dixie!

Oh, hello. Yeah, we're the van

you clamped near the Blue Posts.

Listen, we've been waiting for two hours.

And I got to say, 150 quid,

that's bloody outrageous, right?

You should...

They put the phone down on me. Again!

We're gonna be here all night.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, McGee is ringing now.

- Dixie, you're gonna have to answer it.

- I can't.

- Dixie, you have to!

- No, I can't.

- It can go to answering machine.

- Stop running away and just answer it.

- Quick.

- Hello.

How could you not put me

on the list tonight?

I can't believe you could f*** up like that.

I'll tell you what, there must have been,

like, a mix-up,

'cause you were definitely down on the list.

Massive cock-up. You've got to get it right.

Don't be a suit, be a dude.

Yeah, brilliant. Thanks, Alan. Appreciate that.

I am actually lost for words.

- He missed the gig.

- Yeah, why?

I don't know.

There was a mix-up apparently at the door.

You know what, it's about time you lot...

You're Max Rushden.

- Hiya, mate.

-Soccer AM.

How are you? You all right?

Listen, loved that gig.

Little bit violent, but enjoyed it.

Look, I don't know

what you're doing Saturday,

but Mike & The Mechanics have dropped out.

So we would just love it

if you could come on.

Me and the band?

Well, all of you. You know,

I'll get our people to call your people.

- You got people?

- I've got Shell.

- Hiya.

- Yeah, all right.

Well, yeah, I'll tell you what,

I'll give you a tape. My number's on there.

Okay, I'll get someone to give you a call.

- Brilliant. Thanks. Cheers, Max.

- Okay.

Thanks, man. Cheers.

- Oh, my God! We're on Soccer AM!

- What's that?

The football programme

I watch every Saturday morning.

- Oh, football.

-It's TV!

I can't believe that. No band gets on there

that's unsigned. That's massive!

Well, can I come?

No, you can't come. You don't like football.

You support Notts County.

Hiya. Are you The Prems' manager?

I thought the band were great tonight.

Just what music needs at the moment.

Cheers, thanks.

Are they free to do a session

for me sometime?

Maybe Friday at the Beeb?

Yeah, that'd be great. Let me give you a tape.

No, that's all right. I've got one of your tapes.

Ah, someone will be in touch, all right,

from the office. See you Friday.

- Cheers, Huw.

- SHELL:
Thanks. Cheers.

I'll see you later in the week.

-(SCREAMING)

- Oh, my God!

- I can't believe it! That's a BBC Session!

- That's amazing!

SCOTT:
Oh, shut up!

SHELL:
Oh, sorry, sorry.

- DIXIE:
Sorry.

- I'm trying to get some sleep.

Dixie. Dixie.

(DIXIE GRUNTS)

It's me.

They can't stay here tonight, you know.

It's only for a few nights, love, that's all.

Okay, well, call me when you get there.

Give my love to your mum and dad.

I will.

I love you.

Love you.

What time is it?

Time for me to go to work.

(EXHALES)

Got any beers, Dixie?

SCOTT:
Yeah, I'll have one, and all.

Have you drunk them all?

No, I'm sorry, Ange,

he's taking the f***ing piss.

It's his second day.

ANGE:
Look, look,

he can't help it if his dad's ill.

He really is ill, as well, Don.

I mean, in the past, you know, to go to gigs,

I've said my nan was in hospital,

but she's been dead since I was three.

No, four. No, actually, it was...

I was little anyway.

I don't believe I'm hearing this.

Look, Don, okay, it'll just be a few days,

and as long as he's back

for when we go away.

No. No, bollocks. He can't even put

the records out properly.

Look. I just got a bit confused, that's all.

I mean, I didn't know

there were so many bands

with the name "Monkey"

or "Gorilla" in the title.

I mean, you got, like, the "Blow" ones,

and you got the "Antarctic" lot,

you got the mob from the telly.

And it's the same with the turtles, Don.

I mean, there's so many of them as well.

Well, f***ing... Listen to me, I'm sacking you.

Is it 'cause I'm Welsh?

What?

I could do accents.

"'Ello, ladies and gent...

"'Ello, Sue, can I help you with that?

-"I can give you 50 pence off..."

- What was that?

Never do that again.

All right, sorry.

Look, my band is gonna get signed.

I just need a few more weeks, I swear.

DON:
What band?

- The ones on the tape.

- Yeah, they're really good.

I don't give a f*** if they're any good!

Listen, mate, you're a shop boy.

Not even a very good one at that.

That's why I'm letting you go.

But please... Please, Don.

Just give him one more chance.

Nah, nah, nah. You've blown it.

I'm skint, Don. I'm behind on my rent.

We're all mods here.

Don't f***ing say that.

Don't f***ing say that you're a mod.

I'm a f***ing mod, mate.

You're a ticket at best.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Can I get paid for yesterday?

MAN:
Oi!

Oi! You pay first!

So what happened?

And I warn you, be truthful and be concise.

Because I'd like to take her

to the Zumba class,

which is something that

I'd much rather be doing

than talking to you three.

There was a riot.

A f***ing amazing riot.

It was pretty amazing.

- Amazing, you say.

- Mmm-hmm.

So you signed them?

Just... Alan McGee didn't turn up,

so I thought...

But... So you thought, did you?

Did you think...

(BLEATING) Sheep-man?

The A&R man thought.

Did you phone your mother for that thought?

Or maybe you took your lead from this.

Oh, wait, look! They got there first.

If you don't sign this band, my friend,

you know what's gonna happen, don't you?

Scots Man will sign them.

And if he doesn't, Scots Lady.

And if Scots Lady doesn't sign them,

the Monkey man...

Northern Monkey will sign them,

whose name I can never...

Burnsy...

I don't give a f*** what his name is!

So what you're gonna do is,

you're gonna sign them by this weekend.

And if you don't do that,

I will make you kill each other.

And whomever is left standing,

and I won't put any money on this prick,

I will kill personally myself.

Yep.

F*** me, man.

Look, I've got myself

in such a state, my darling,

that I can't tell them to leave.

Could you do it for me?

You're gonna need to leave now, okay?

- Have they gone?

- They've gone.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

Great. Zumba, Zumba.

DIXIE:
All right, Shrek?

It's not a donkey. It's a horse.

How's London?

It's all right. I've been managing a band.

They been on X Factor?

No, it's not that kind of band.

What kind is it then? I like Queen, see.

No, they're not like Queen. Any cabs here?

(CHUCKLES) It's not London, Dix.

No taxis around here, boy.

I'll take you.

How much?

I'll do it for a pound.

50 pence. You haven't got a saddle.

All right then, 75.

Hold him steady by there, then.

- One, two...

- Two, three...

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