Swearnet: The Movie Page #2

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serious sometime.

And just so you know,

there's no guarantee

They're gonna green light

this sh*t, you drunk f***!

Are you f***in' kidding me?

We're f***in' icons, boys.

We did all their notes.

We kissed their f***in' asses!

You're f***ed.

Well, you better try

to sober up

And get your f***in' head

in the game for this meeting!

Okay, just so we're f***in'

clear here,

I know what's on the line,

boys.

I'm f***in' taking this

very seriously.

All right, man.

Hi, there, my name's David.

I don't wear pants

And I was thinkin' since

my cock's already out

Maybe you'd like to take

and little suck off?

Jesus Christ, Smith!

Your f***in' breath smells

like drunk Shamu

Just dumped a big whale load

in your mouth, man, f***!

Come on,

it's just a little tiny penis.

Why don't you finger

my little tight hole.

Get your f***in' hands off me,

Smith!

Finger my little hole!

Tongue my hole!

Smith, would you smarten

the f*** up

And get serious here, man?

- Expensive statue!

- Guys, marble.

Great to see you guys!

How you doin'?

- It's great to see you too.

- How was the flight?

- It was wonderful!

- Good.

Yeah, first class, easy peesy,

lemon squeezy...

good, Stephan.

That's great, thank you.

So, guys,

This is quite a selection

you've got here for us today.

"Trans-Am handyman"

And "cooking 'n working out

with mama kunt". Wow.

We've got full seasons

mapped out for both of 'em.

We can start shooting

whenever you guys want.

Straight up, guys,

We can't do a show

on our network

With the word "c*nt"

in the title.

Sorry.

No it's c*nt-

It's c*nt with a "k".

It's still the word c*nt

though, Mike, isn't it?

It could be a funny concept.

What if we called her uh...

"mama krazy"?

Or how about

"mama kooky"?

'Cause her name

is mama kunt.

Not on our network

it's not.

Okay, well your network

is one letter away

From being c*nt anyway,

So what the f***'s

the difference?

That one letter makes

a big difference, Mike.

It's just the kind of word

That makes a lot of people

uncomfortable.

It does.

Have you ever been

to Australia or Ireland?

They call sandwiches

c*nts over there.

They do.

Like we said before, guys,

If you're willing to do

Another toned down version

of "trailer park boys",

Then our network

will certainly listen.

- We can't!

- We told you that.

The producers own the rights.

They don't wanna do it. Jesus!

It's not like it used to be,

guys.

Even if you were willing to do

more "trailer park boys",

The new cnt guidelines

Would restrict you

to two 'fucks', two 'c*cks',

And four 'shits'

per episode.

Well, why don't we cut back

on the shits maybe,

Add a couple more fucks,

you know,

And then everybody'll be happy.

Uh, it doesn't really

work like that.

This isn't the Halifax

swap shop.

- No, I'm sorry, guys.

- Cnt just isn't comfortable

Taking that kind of risk

right now.

Christ, so it's an unequivocal

"no" then?

Yes...

it's a no.

Unless you're willing

to compromise on content.

Well we don't feel like

we should have to.

That's the way we talk.

That's the way everybody

f***in' talks.

People swear!

No, it's not. Not really, no. I don't.

I just wanna know,

seriously,

Are you both f***in'

retarded?

Uh, excuse me?

There's no reason to get

angry here, Mike.

You know what?

F*** you guys!

F*** you both!

We don't f***in' need ya!

Oh gosh, Mike,

but you do.

F*** off, Stephan,

you condescending little f***.

I'll slap that f***in' prison

p*ssy right off your face!

Slap it off?

Hey, why don't you

just shave it off

With your razor sharp wit?

You need to take a f***in'

big hydraulic suck

On my sh*t pipe,

f*** teeth!

- Wow.

- Okay, we're done here.

You obviously drunk

or stoned or both.

Can someone call

security please?

- F***, ooh I'm callin' security!

- F*** off.

I've got three washed up

one hit wonders

Who need to leave

the building immediately.

F***!

No!

F*** no!

Oh f***!

Today we're gonna be making

some good old

Classic Shephards pie.

All right,

so lots of ground beef?

Lots of ground beef,

some garlic...

do you mind crushing

the garlic for me?

I'll do the garlic,

that's fine.

Then we're gonna put it into

the pan with some oil...

you one hit wonder,

you Mackeral!

- Will you shut up!

- Shut the up, Smith!

Shut your mouth!

Are you f***ing kidding me?!

- Ow!

- Ah!

Aw!

F***in' Smith! Sh*t!

Oh, yeah, take the whole thing,

Jeremy.

Open wide, boy!

Well, that just pretty much

guaranteed

I'll be working at 50's

for the rest of my life.

Thanks, you f***in' lunatic!

You can't be burnin' bridges

like that, man.

Aw, f*** off.

I can't f***in' deal with

networks doin' that, boys.

We don't f***in' need them!

We can do sh*t on the internet.

Yeah, that sounds like

a great career, Smith.

40-Year-Old out of work

f***in' actor,

Selling bullshit

f***in' real estate,

Posting videos on shittube.

Nice!

I'm not talkin' about

f***in' lametube.

I mean,

our own f***in' network.

Yeah, people'll are gonna

f***in' pay you

To watch you swear and Jack

your miniature cock off.

Yeah, they would,

All over your mother's

big sloppy horrible tits.

Think about this though, boys.

We've got f***in'

direct access

To over a million people

on our fan sites.

We get 10,000 of them even

to pay five bucks a month,

That's fifty f***in' grand

a month!

Jesus Christ, man,

what if a 100,000 did?

That'd six million bucks

a year.

Imagine the sh*t we could shoot

with that kinda money.

F*** my tits, boys!

I would f*** your tits

for that much money.

So would I.

God, can you imagine?

I'd just be prancin' around

gigglin', ticklin' you guys.

This could be f***in' huge,

boys.

Our own f***in' network doin'

whatever the f*** we want.

Swearnet.

Swearnet. I f***in' like that.

It made my balls tingle.

Shut the f*** up,

I'm tryin' to cum!

F*** off.

Let's take

our f***in' balls

And cradle then

on the tips of our c*cks

And get this f***in' thing

lit right now.

Let's do this.

Smith, Wells, Tremblay,

your ride's here,

And she is some pissed.

Oh, Jesus f***in' Christ!

I noticed you picked up

the paint, thanks a lot.

I didn't really have

much of a choice

With you in jail,

did I, Robb?

Those look like really, really

beautiful colours, Julie.

F***, that is a lot of paint!

Didn't you just paint

the whole house

Like a couple weeks ago,

Julie?

It's gonna look

f***in' good though,

That's the designer sh*t.

That's like sixty bucks a can,

isn't it?

It's the best.

Ah, f***, I wish I had

unlimited amounts of money

To blow every month

on my hobby.

Smith, Julie took courses.

She's a professional

interior decorator.

Oh, no, I know that,

I just mean, you know,

Usually professional,

by definition,

Means that you get paid

to do it, that's all.

So, Mike, I heard you quit

anger management, did you?

No, actually.

Who told you that?

Robb, you should tell Julie

about the internet channel

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